The Consolidated Entries 1998


Early Thursday Morning, 26 March

Just a prelude to what is to come...

The temperature is supposed to be in the high 70s today and fine weather will continue through the weekend. As soon as we wake up (perhaps noon,) we will be dragging out the table and rinsing off the winter slug snot. The grill will roll out and be cleaned. And the umbrella will be set up. Then we take a nap.

Just to catch you up on some of the people from the 1997 season...

Jim and Leigh have decided to legalize their excessive practice of the horizontal bop and will tie the knot later this summer. He has told me the date about six thousand times, but I will not remember till I actually get an invitation. Until that fateful day, we will endeavor to get Jim in as much trouble as possible. hehehe

Will went into basic training at the end of December. We have not heard from him since. Either he was killed by his own cadet platoon (or whatever you call them) or he really screwed up and is now stationed somewhere in Rwanda guarding a fly sanctuary. Shannon, the babe not the bimbo, keeper of Will, has similarly disappeared and is presumed to still be attending college in Greensboro where she is majoring in bladder control.

Dave and Kim have successfully settled into their mobile home and are now officially among the ranks of true, southern trailer trash. Kim gets better looking every time we see her and Dave still has no ass. And now that they have settled in, there is a good chance that they will be opening IHOS West this summer. Of course, no one will actually go there since we have all seen Deliverance and still have bad dreams.

Billy Bob, aka Thumper, keeper of Katie-Kins, has had a rough winter, having suffered the humility of being personally responsible for the demise of every men's sports team at North Carolina State University. He also crunched the front quarter panel of the BillMobile, though it is fixed and he is back to stealing my parking spot on a regular basis.

Richard, brother of Billy Bob, has successfully conned, uh...gotten Kim (the Amazon babe who set new records for inducing cutie field failure) to accept his proposal in marriage. It is not known if a date has been set yet, but until that moment comes, we all still consider her fair game. Attempts will continue.

Katie-Kins, primary nemesis of Billy Bob, has become a recluse, locking herself in her room only to come out when psychosis starts setting in. She has until the middle of April to start socializing again before we physically drag her out kicking and screaming into the night.

Chad still lives upstairs and is still not making any sense.

Catherine and Data are still engaged in marital bliss, though Data has regained his ability to walk.

Heather, Not Heather, and Beth, neighbors of Andy, Cameron, and Pete have all slipped away into the night never to be seen again.

Kara, Al, and Ike have cocooned themselves into their enclave for the winter. Kara has been seen only rarely. Al we believe has crawled into bed, not to emerge until the temperature hits 85. Ike is still very confused from his adventure with the drunk Mexican last summer.

Jaq is still....well, Jaq.

Jay and Kay are another couple who are involved in wedded bliss, having been united last year and have just recently been pried apart with three crow bars and a jaws of life.

The babes across the street, Sarah, Nikki, Jan, and Shallon, are still living across the street. Sarah is apparently sucking face big time with someone unknown to us since she has not been seen for months (except in fleeting glances while driving away toward her primary squeeze.) Nikki is looking as cute as ever, with a serious looking new do; she is still talking incessantly. Jan continues to exude an aura of pure, animalistic sex where ever she walks. Shallon is now into lizards, a fact that when combined with the fact that she moves like a snake when she walks, will probably result in a wave of complete cutie field failure among the poled attendees at IHOS this year.

John is still living next door, though Greg has finally quit wasting his folk's money, uh graduated, and has moved on. He just stopped by the other day, though, to show off his new truck with the twenty-seven way auto alarm that will even flush the toilet for you if need be. Ruby is still living next door as well, presumably still eating cats. Ty is seen from time to time, though we think the poor thing is just plum exhausted from humping Ruby all winter.

Amy, potential occupant of Mikey (hey, he's trying realllll hard) has popped in a couple of times over the winter, though she most often lures Mikey to her place; I think she is still afraid of us.

Mikey has moved in upstairs and is happily coding away at the computer, relying on us to remind him to eat from time to time. Do not try to contact Mikey on weekday evenings between 7 and 8 PM since some TV station is showing every episode of Babylon 5 in succession.

Val continues to put up with me and has condensended to remain my wife through another IHOS season which is a very good thing since she feeds us.

Thursday, 26 March 1998

OK, so maybe it was really stupid on our part, but we got IHOS open. It's amazing how cold 62 degrees feels when there is a 15 mile per hour wind blowing across your face.

The evening started out with Val, Jim, Billy Bob (aka Thumper,) and myself attending the opening ceremonies. We kicked on the festivities at 8 PM sharp with the playing of the IHOS anthem, "Flashlight" then moved directly into Rhino night (Rhino Records, where they collect records so you don't have to...) We started off with rib-eyes, New York Strips, and some pathetic piece of meat that Jim brought over, followed by about 10 pounds of crab legs (and of course, peanuts salted in the shell.) Sunkist Orange soda (the official drink of IHOS) flowed freely. Immediately following the consumption of the first meal of 1998, Jim led us in a celebration by lighting off a firecracker in the front lawn and farting (though fortunately for everyone living in wood-frame structures in the neighborhood, he did not do both at the same time.)

Throughout the course of the evening, Thumper begged for us to bring out the light so he could try to attract woman; we finally relented at about 10 PM when the bimbo parade picked up a bit. He was again unsuccessful.

Jay and Kay dropped in for a bit, though they wouldn't take us up on our offer of food. Seems like they hit an all-you-can-eat Chinese food buffet bar just before they arrived, finally being thrown out by a handful of irate immigrants who were watching their life's savings be consumed plate by plate.

Mikey finally woke up and wandered down. He began complaining that it was cold within seconds of arriving and kept up his carping until IHOS finally closed at midnight. Before closing, though, we all ate our first ceremonial hamburgers of the season, grilled to perfection by Val, the keeper of the food. For a moment, Mikey shut up about the cold while he was eating.

We had one IHOS virgin, a one Eddie of whom we know only that he is from Shelby and has a thing for women who run track. He also has a bunch of dirt on Thumper, but we were unable to extract any information at this time; he is welcome back anytime, though we would appreciate it if he brought his own cassette tapes to record on when he finally opens up about the Thumper Story. We will keep you posted.

Speaking of Thumper, he brought us a bit of bad news tonight. It appears that Richard, brother of Thumper, and Kim are no longer engaged; they have actually gotten married. We all became depressed for a short time until we realized that Kim was still fair game as long as Richard wasn't looking.

Derrick and Katie-Kins dropped in for a moment before they went out jogging. We are concerned that Katie has taken up jogging for we fear that she will end up with a broken jaw if her sports bra should snap under the tension. We warned her.

We also formally agreed and declared that 1998 shall be the Year of the HedgeHog.

Slug Report: no slugs
Rhino Night Discography: "The Very Best of the Spinners" (Rhino R2 71213), The Disco Years - Volume 5 (Rhino R2 70276), and The Best of the Trammps (Rhino R2 71724). If you want to order any of the CDs we feature here at IHOS, just click on the link.
Jim Report: one Jim
Bimbo Report: several herds of free-range bimbos moving randomly through the parking lots.
Tiki Torch Report: through the course of the winter, various scumbags have stolen our tiki torches one by one until we only had one left, and that one was empty. We will rectify that situation in the near future, though there really is no rush since the bugs won't really start coming out till May or so.

Friday, 27 March 1998

Another beautiful spring night at IHOS. This time it was a bit warmer and the wind had died down a bit from last night.

We had some very special visitors tonight -- Wayno, sister of Wayno, Amy, and wife of Wayno, Tanya. Wayno is from Rochester, New York and his sister just recently moved down to the Raleigh area. Tonya, wife of Wayno, is from Canada originally though we didn't bother to check her green card prior to allowing her at IHOS since marriage to a US citizen apparently makes one automatically an American citizen. Personally, I think they ought to be required to do 10,000 push-ups of something, but that is only my view.

Anyway, Wayno works for Kodak (a registered trademark. All rights reserved), though so does everyone else in Rochester, New York so he really wasn't telling us anything new. Amy works with slimy stuff as a biological tech-type person. Tanya just hangs out and looks hot - she need not do anything else; her only task is to make Wayno look presentable in public, which is a difficult thing to do, but she pulls it off admirably. Unfortunately, we do not believe that Wayno properly prepared his lovely wife for what IHOS was all about and we are almost certian that we scared her. Amy did well, though, holding her own among the degrangement of the night.

Dave and Kim, the king and queen of trailer trash, dropped in for a bit. Kim was all dolled up with sparkly stuff on her face and cleavage. We tried to find out just how far the sparkly stuff extended, but were unsuccessful. In their honor, we replayed the IHOS anthem, "Flashlight" since they weren't able to make it for the formal opening last night. Seems that they were squirrel hunting in their front yard of something like that. Dave wondered why the official IHOS bug zapper was not in place yet and we had to tell him that there were no bugs yet. He didn't seem to make the connection as to its purpose.

Mikey consumed large quantities of hamburgers again, uh....cheeseburgers.

You will perhaps notice that I have started putting the day of the week at the top of each entry. A handful of cretins who have no concept of how a calandar works requested that I do so in order that they may keep up with what is happening.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bimbo Report: only a small number of bimbos and most of them were sober
Thumper Report: It is reported that Thumper connected with a real woman and is in the process of being driven into exhaustion.

Saturday, 28 March 1998

Warming up nicely. We are very happy.

It was a somewhat quiet evening; we actually started off doing some normal socializing. Wayno, Amy (sister of Wayno) and Tanya (wife of Wayno) attended dinner along with Val, Mikey and myself at Ryan's Steakhouse, the official steakhouse of IHOS. They need to return to Rochester in the morning so they weren't able to actually attend IHOS. They will be missed and are welcome back anytime.

When we returned to the table, Jay and Kay arrived shortly thereafter. For the most part, it was a quiet evening until the fire trucks rolled by. We whipped out the scanner and determined that one, they were heading right around the corner from us and two, there was an actual fire (though of unknown type at that moment.) It became time for an IHOS field trip, the first of the year.

As it turned out, a moped had burst into flames, taking with it the wooden pole it was tied to. The firefighters had already put out the fire by the time we got there, but they were still standing around looking very cool in their suits and hardhats. Even cooler was the big fire engine parked on the street, lights still hammering the night. We want one.

As soon as we determined that there was no real chance that a burned body would be found under the moped, we decided to come back to IHOS where we caught Chad desperately trying to get his babe into his car and drive away before we reached him. Though he is completely insane, Chad knows us well enough that we would have mortally embarrassed him unless he got away. Unfortunately, he got away; there will be other times, though. The summer is young.

Slug Report: one slug
Jim Report: no Jims
Babes Across the Street Report: many gigolos hanging out at the babes apartment presumably in hopes of catching one of the babes in a particularly vulnerable state. It did not appear that any were successful.
Bimbo Report: several single bimbos flashing through the lot. Nothing special.

Sunday, March 29, 1998

It keeps getting warmer everyday. We are very, very happy.

It was a quiet one tonight with just Val, Mikey, Thumper, and myself sitting around the table making fun of the occasional bimbo that walked by. Thumper was offered some nice New York Strip steaks, but opted rather for a bowl of spaghetti covered with what looked like snot. There is no accounting for taste.

Jim and Leigh dropped in late in the evening just to say hello. Leigh still has tiny feet. Jim is still ugly.

We got an email from P.J. today who is still in Charlotte doing Charlotte-type things. He moved down there last year in an effort to find more women than exist in Raleigh. There is not updated word on his success, but we will find out and keep you posted.

Slug Report: no slugs
HedgeHog Report: two hedgehogs now take up residence in the garden, one little and one big, both made of some concrete like substance. The season is early and there will be more.
Jim Report: one Jim
Katie-Kins Report: Katie spent the day at King's Dominion and wandered back in about 11 PM walking like she had been spending the past week with the Green Bay Packards front line. Come to think of it...
Babes Across the Street Report: Nikki, for some reason, spent most of the evening talking on her hand-held phone, wandering around outside. We tried to pick up her frequency, but was unsuccessful. We will try again.

Monday, 30 March 1998

We did an early IHOS today since the NCAA final game is tonight. For all practical purposes, all we did was sit in the sunshine all day long and eat crab legs. Pounds and pounds of crab legs. Mikey exploded about 5 PM, Val got sunburned then exploded. And that just left more for me.

Jim Report: no Jims
Slug Report: no slugs, though we have considered that it may be a bit early in the year for a major infestation
Bimbo Report: no bimbos, but considering that we went indoors to watch the game well before bimbos normally come out into the night that was not surprising
Ladybug Report: millions and millions of ladybugs have emerged from their winter homes, or perhaps they just breed at prodigious rates; we're not sure, but what we do know is that everywhere we turn, there are ladybugs all over. I'm wondering what they may taste like in a stew.

Tuesday, 31 March 1998

A very quiet and peacful evening tonight. Val and I held IHOS by ourselves with very little traffic passing by. Essentially we just sat there. Nothing more of any significance to report, except...

It is necessary to say hello to Sarah, brother of Ben, and to encourage her to drop us a line at:

Failure to do so will result in immediate termination with extreme prejudice.

Jim Report: no Jims and we're starting to get a bit concerned

Wednesday, 1 April 1998

Well, it looks like I was right. The warm weather we have been having has been a fluke. It is turning cold again at night. Actually not really cold, but we are complete weenies when it gets below 62 or so and we flee indoors.

Anyway, that means that IHOS will still be open, but for the next bit (it looks like about a week or so at this point) we will be having our activities during the day. What that means is that the bimbos will not really be wandering, all those who actually work for a living will not be dropping in, and it will be essentially Val and I consuming large quantities of food. Speaking of which...

Tonight was our weekly run to the grocery store to stock up on the mandatory items necessary for survival, like chocolate, cookies, ice cream, and huge volumes of meat. We also went on an Al-Mart run (the "W" is still burned out.)

Thursday, 2 April 1998

There's a party in my pants...actually, it was across the parking lot. We almost had the first official Yahoo night of 1998. The only problem was that, though the morons attending the party were fully qualified to be extras in the remake of Deliverance, none of them drove pick-up trucks as far as we could tell. They gave us the first completely drunk bimbo, the first on-the-road pissing, and the first "let's smash the beer bottle in the parking lot because it makes a cool noise" of the 1998 IHOS season. We know where to find several of them and fully intend to destroy their cars before too long.

Tonight was hamburger night at IHOS in honor of the 1950s drive-in. It seemed appropriate to do this on Rhino Night since we opted to do a 50s theme tonight. Unfortunately, we only got through about three-fourths of the Five Royals 2-disk compilation before we froze our nards off. So we took it inside and watched the NCAA cheerleading finals for a while.

We also found a very neat web site that is dedicated to buses plunging off roadways and bridges into ravines and rivers. It is at

Jim Report: no Jims
Rhino Night Discography: The Five Royals Anthology (Rhino R2 71546) (By the way, Rhino Records, who collect records so you don't have to, have given us a way of ordering any of the CDs listed here just by clicking on the title.)
Bimbo Report: many bimbos, most of them drunk out of their skulls
Impending Doom Report: Severe thunderstorms with the possibility of tornadoes are predicted for tomorrow afternoon and evening. We may have to bring out the serious pieces of meat in celebration

Friday, 3 April 1998


Saturday, 4 April 1998

Damn cold

Sunday, 5 April 1998

Real cold

Monday, 6 April and Tuesday, 7 April, 1998

I am pleased to announce my first allergy-induced sinus infection of the season. Since this particular occurrence was merely an inconvenience compared to a major flare-up, I will spare you the pus report this time.

Wednesday, 8 April 1998

I still wasn't feeling well (primarily due to the antibiotics and not the sinus infection,) and slept through most of what would be considered the IHOS Hours. It is my understanding, though, that Mikey decided that IHOS had been closed to too long (even though early in the season) and decided to open it himself.

The "Mikey Session" (as it has come to be known) involved him firing up the grill and cooking a couple of hamburgers. He apparently sat at the table for about an hour, finally realizing the futility of his actions, and slinked back off to HOMI (House Of Mikey, Internationalle.)

By the time I did wake up, it was fairly late and very warm out. Unfortunately, it was also raining heavily, so the continued events of the evening were a bit stifled.

Thursday, 9 April 1998

Well, that was stupid.

It was warm and muggy all day long. We had a cold front come through that brought some storms, but then something weird happened. The cold front passed, the winds shifted to the west from the south...and it warmed up even more. So we're thinking - what a great night for IHOS.

Mikey came down. Jay and Kay slid over. And we had a very special visitor tonight. Kelly. She is new to IHOS and has a great set of hooters. Anyway, we assemble at the table and IHOS begins for the Third Weekly Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to.)

About 30 minutes after IHOS started, I heard a faint, squeaking noise. To make a long story short, it was the sound of Mikey's nards getting sucked back up into his body as they tried to escape the cold. Shortly after, Kelly and Kay demanded blankets in which to wrap up. Val started growing hair to keep her legs warm. I, on the other hand, was relatively comfortable since I am still taking Biaxin for the sinus infection and it has managed to deaden every sensory nerve in my body. Jay is hairy to begin with and was completely unaffected. IHOS closed shortly thereafter.

Speaking of hair, we got into a conversation about that stuff that is advertised on TV that you smear on and it removes hair, preventing it from growing for weeks afterward. Speculation turned to the possible misapplication of said product. Kay wondered if someone had just smeared the stuff on whatever portion of their body they desired to render hairless, then picked their nose, would they pull out a finger-full of hair? And what of elderly men who weaseled the wax out of their ears if their hands were covered with goop? Could they potentially do damage to the cilia of the inner ear? Only experimentation will tell for sure and no one was willing to volunteer. We will just have to wait until later in the summer when the frequency and blood-alcohol-content of the passing drunks increases.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bimbo Report: one rather magnificent bimbo on her way to a ceremonial boning
Babes Across the Street Report: several of the babes were hanging out on their back porch making "cute noises". Mikey almost suffered Cutie Field Failure, but was too cold.
Candle Report: Billy Bob, aka Thumper, brought us an IHOS candle that is shaped like a very large apple. It's about the size of a large honeydew melon and ought to provide Jim with hours of pyromaniac delight.
Rhino Night Discography: The Best of KC and the Sunshine Band (Rhino R2 71028) Kelly had fond memories of many of the tunes on that CD and we never realized she was that old.

Friday, April 10 through Tuesday, April 14, 1998

Crappy weather. Cold. Wet. Nasty. Teasingly warm during the day, but turning into a frozen wasteland with wind as soon as the sun goes down. Tomorrow is looking better, though. We will try again. Oh yes...we will try again.

Wednesday, 15 April 1998

Nice, quiet, peaceful, balmy evening with a lesbian bimbo sighting. What more could you ask for?

We fired up the grill and popped on some rib-eyes for a late dinner. The Babes Across the Street were enjoying the evening as well with a bevy of the Sausage Factory in tow. We had a couple of yahoos drive by in their beat up, pick-ups, screeching wheels in an attempt to impress the more ignorant blondes in the neighborhood. Other than that, it was just Val and I hanging out listening to tunes. Except for the fire.

Shortly after we opened IHOS, we started to smell smoke. Then it started to get hazy. So I called the fire department. I told them where I was and that there was a fire somewhere, though I could not see any direct flames or smoke; all I could tell is that it was somewhere southwest of us and starting to kick up. So what do they do? They send the fire engines in full siren to IHOS. Some people are not bright. Nevertheless, by the time they got here, it was obvious that there was a fire somewhere (though not here) and they continued up the street. Apparently they found something because the smoke stopped a couple of minutes later, the smell subsided, and the fire truck came back down the road.

Later this summer we are planning an IHOS field trip to Raleigh Fire Station Number Five to check out the engines up close and personal. We hope they will let us in.

Addendum: After IHOS closed for the evening. After it had gottern so cold that frost was forming on my eyelashes. After everyone else in the entire world in every time zone had already gone to sleep -- Thumper and Eddie show up.

So we opened IHOS again.

We did find out that Eddie has a primary squeeze named Shelley, keeper of Eddie, who resides in Charlotte. She will be coming to visit us soon. We are excited and are preparing a special event to welcome her. More to come...

Jim Report: no Jims
Slug Report: no slugs
Gwen Report: Gwen, the movie-babe at Phar-Mor has gotten engaged. No date has been set.
IRS Report: the IRS sucks
Sinus Infection Report: I am pleased to announce that the snot is back to normal.

Thursday, 16 April 1998

I told Val yesterday when we went to the grocery store that we really needed to get some hamburger stuff, but nooooo....she wouldn't listen to reason. Of course, to hear her tell it, you would think it was I who stated that we should not bother picking up anything since it was supposed to rain all day today and, if it didn't, I could always run over to the store and get burger stuff. She will also try to convince you that she warned me I would not actually move my carcass to the extent that burger stuff was actually procured should the day turn out to be nice. But who are you gonna believe?

The day turned out to be nice. We didn't bother with the grill, though, since I had the forethought to pick up sandwich stuff like turkey and roast beef and sub rolls. The sandwiches were good -- don't get me wrong -- but they were nothing like the hamburgers we could have eaten if only someone would have listened to reason.

We started the fourth Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) on an up note. Today was mowing day so the grass was nicely trimmed. In addition, we have fully weeded the garden and are within days of re-populating the plots with flowers. Of course, that has nothing to do with Rhino Records (where they collect records so you don't have to) but we thought we'd mention it anyway.

We did get a brief sprinkle and dried things off quickly. Mikey was dead to the world having done something with Kelly last night, the details of which we do not really want to know. Thumper dropped in for a bit and reminded us just why he is a putz. Apparently, with Katie moving back to the place of her cash source, uh...where her parents live... as soon as school ends in May, and with Thumper not being able to attract any women who do not look like they have been former goalies for dart teams to move in with him, he has decided to move out. We're already calling dibs on his apartment.

Jaq finally showed up again after a long absence. He has a new van which we had not yet seen. As he drove up, and before we realized who it was, Val noted that the van looked like something a child molester would drive. The van parked. Jaq got out. Val wasn't too far off the mark (though at least Jaq has been known at times to actually check a driver's license.) Jaq informed us that he will be going in for surgery shortly for a hernia. After we determined that said hernia involved one of the typical varieties and not the brain stem, we all settled into telling tales of how scalpels have been known to slip.

Katie and Derrick dropped in for a moment to tell us that they were going out to enter some sort of trivia contest. They came back shortly thereafter making lame excuses. It was embarrassing; everyone knows that the name of the spacecraft that first placed men on the Moon was called the Eagle. Katie did inform us that her sister was dropping in Friday on her way back home. She would not tell us when she was going to get here nor how long she would stay. Perhaps we should not have first gotten so excited when we found out that Katie's sister has world-class hooters; we must refine our informational gathering technique somewhat.

Jim Report: no Jims
Slug Report: no slugs
Lesbian Bimbo Report: two pair of lesbian bimbos
Standard Bimbo Report: many bimbos wandering around looking sultry
Jan Report: looking a bit green around the gills upon returning. We will find out why
Rhino Night Discography: Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons Greatest Hits - Volume 2 (Rhino R2 70595) Hmmmm...I wonder why I don't have volume one of the set?

Friday, 17 April 1998

Jim has returned. About two weeks ago, Jim got hold of some bad food and ended up barfing his intestines around his house. After about two days of that, he developed a sinus infection that turned into bronchitis. So he's been on antibiotics for two weeks now and Leigh has been taking care of him, not allowing him to leave the house. He finally escaped and came over to IHOS for a bit, hacking a lung or two during his brief stay here. I finally threw him out when he coughed up his pancreas.

Surprisingly, it stayed not only warm, but dry into the evening, so we formally opened IHOS. Jay and Kay came over and tried to wake up Mikey as we did some two hours earlier. They were also unsuccessful. So we spent most of the balance of the evening making fun of him in his absence.

We had our first, full-fledged Yahoo sighting of the year. Many drunks, apparently from the eastern part of the state (you can tell that when they forget to pick off all the sheep fur from their belt buckles,) driving around in their pick-up trucks, tossing beer bottles into the storm drain as they drive by. They were accompanied by a bevy of True Sluts, clambering and chattering like chickens, probably arguing whose man had the best aim. Unfortunately, though they were driving somewhat recklessly, they were not in danger of actually turning the truck over, spilling the human contents of the truck bed onto the road, causing great bleeding, dismemberment, and (potentially) a decapitation or two. We could only get so lucky; perhaps next time.

Jim Report: one Jim
Ant Report: the ants are back. Full scale war begins Monday
Bimbo Report: many bimbos, some of which didn't even look like they needed antibiotics
Bird Report: those nasty birds with the white wing tips are back, building nests in the most inappropriate places -- like in the bush outside my door. So far they apparently have not actually laid any eggs, but if they start to peck at my eyes, I will retaliate.

Saturday, 18 April 1998

A cold front came through sometime this morning and the high temperature was only 56 degrees; for those of you accustomed to centigrade, that means it was really cold. So cold that there was no way we were gonna get IHOS opened this evening.

Then Jay, Kay, Kelly, and Mikey showed up around midnight after coming home from a road trip to Greensboro so we opened IHOS. It was Jay's birthday and we had a chocolate cake. Everyone scarfed down a single piece before toes started turning blue. Even the cake turned blue. So we went in.

It was a rather uneventful evening other than that and the moment when Kay went to ground. You see, as Kay was moving toward her chair at the table, she somehow missed a step. Kay slammed into the ground with the force of a B-52 dropping its entire load over Iraq. Cal-Tech called since we were listed as the epicenter of a 6.2 quake and some anti-terrorist squad showed up just to make sure that WW3 had not started on our front lawn. Kay was fine except for a scraped foot, banged knee, and bruised ego. The most unfortunate aspect of the whole incident was that no one had a vidiocam running.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bimbo Report: no bimbos
Misc. Lifeform Report: no discernible lifeforms since it is so cold

Sunday, 19 April 1998

Too cold. Way too cold.

Monday, 20 April 1998

We did a daytime IHOS today because of the cold nights we are having. Mikey, Val, and I did hamburgers, hot dogs, and rib eyes till we exploded. Then Chad and Thumper dropped in.

We took a quick IHOS field trip to see the Babes Across the Street, one of whom, Shallon, was on her knees playing in the dirt out back of her patio. She was actually planting some pansies, but it was nice to see her on her knees.

Tuesday, 21 April and Wednesday, 22 April 1998

We are not amused. It is cold. It is raining. It is windy. And this stupid weather is supposed to continue through at least Friday. I guess it is just as well since Val is sick and has started to hock green snot. We go to the doctor's office tomorrow to get her some serious antibiotics, though I guess it will then be my turn to have her fart on me while she sleeps.

And as a follow-up...if you recall, last Thursday for Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) I mentioned in passing that I was somehow missing volume one of the Greatest Hits of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Guess what showed up on my doorstep today? You got it. A volume one CD. Perhaps next time I should mention in passing that I am missing a full home theater system with THX surround sound and a 16:9 aspect, liquid crystal display measuring 56 inches wide with stack speakers, rocking theater seats, and my own concession stand located next to the indoor pool just off the interior-court, botanical garden. Of course, then I would have to get a bigger doorstep to take delivery of all that stuff, so perhaps it would be impractical.

Thursday, 23 April 1998

It was far too cold to be out tonight, but who's Rhino Record Night (where they collect records so you don't have to.)

We fired up the grill and cooked some rib eyes and cheeseburgers. Mikey and I were sated while Val was still horking green snot. We finally brought her to the doctor and she is now taking antibiotics for greensnotitis. When we got back, Jaq and Jim had come over -- independently, but arriving within seconds of each other. Jaq wanted us to scan some images of his band, NineLbs, and Jim wanted us to put together a map of where his wedding is going to be held so that guests from out of town could actually find the place. We accomplished both tasks with Jaq being greatly appreciative and Jim doing nothing but complain for hours about the placement of the street names. We killed Jim, but he is getting better.

Thumper dropped in and began demanding that we fix him spaghetti. He claims that we told him last week that we would fix homemade spaghetti for Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to,) but we don't remember making any such promises. Actually, we do remember it, but we are invoking plausible deniability in the matter. We promised him that next week we will make homemade spaghetti, but we may forget then as well. To remind us, send an email to Thumper. In fact, feel free to flood his mailbox.

Jim Report: one Jim
Bimbo Report: one amazing bimbo jogging past IHOS wearing one of those tight jog bras that was way too small. We were happy. Mikey's neck is well on the way to a complete recovery.
Rat Report: one IHOS rat, medium in size and brown in color was spotted in the bushes. Momentary contemplations of ratburger were held, but abandoned in light of the fact that said rat was in the bushes and we have no idea of what else may be in there.
Rhino Night Discography: Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons Greatest Hits - Volume One which suddenly showed up on our doorstep earlier this week.

Friday, 24 April 1998

Completely uneventful. So slow that we slept through most of the normal IHOS hours and ended up going on an Al-Mart run at about 2 AM.

Saturday, 25 April 1998

In what started out to be a slow night, some of the more bizarre things eventually occurred. Almost everyone was gone. Mikey went home for the night. Jim was abducted. Jaq was playing a gig with his band, NineLbs. Chad was golfing. Thumper was a complete wimp and fell asleep while Katie-Kins was working. Jay and Kay were in Asheville. No one was around. So Val and I were just taking in the night air by ourselves.

Then all hell broke loose...

The party started. By 10 PM, there were some 400 or 500 drunken yahoos and bimbos wandering around aimlessly between three parties -- one up the cul-de-sac, one up the street, and one across the street. Waves of bimbos washed back and forth, passing near IHOS on each crest. Then Marty and Kayt showed up with meat.

We have not seen nor heard from Marty and Kayt since the end of last year when they mysteriously crawled off into the sunset. Things have not changed...wait, I take that back. As unbelievable as it may seem, Kayt's hooters have gotten larger, though Marty is still telling rambling stories that have no plot or definitive conclusion. Some serious rib eyes were grilled and the four of us spent the balance of their stay making fun of those who were now floating by as a result of over consumption of beer.

By 3 AM, things were pretty much winding down. The amazing babe in the blue shirt had stopped bounding by, apparently going home when she realized that her melon-like protuberances were cold. The police had cruised in to break up the remaining 100 or so revelers and the neighborhood got quiet. Except for Brad.

Brad (you may remember) lives next door. He wandered in looking for John who also lives next door. While Brad was here looking for John, John wanders up with another Brad in tow (who does not live next door) and Ty, the wonder dog. Since we had not seen Ty in a very long time, Ty was glad to see us again and promptly began pissing all over every bush in a 50 yard radius trying to re-mark his (now) extended territory. Then Scruffles, one of our cats -- the big, mean one who never has liked Ty very much -- noticed Ty outside the screen door. Imagine the sound of a thousand long fingernails being scrapped across the world's smoothest blackboard. That's the noise Scruff made. Then imagine a large, drooling dog, not knowing that said cat noise (along with the raising of hair, fluffing of tail, hissing, and bearing of teeth) was not a sign of the cat simply wanting to be friends. We are very lucky that our screen is made of aluminum rather than that vinyl stuff. Ty should also be glad since he managed to live to see another day, though he still really doesn't understand the full significance of the Scruff display.

By the way, next weekend is the first Welfare Weekend of the 1998 IHOS season. For those who do not remember, that is the first weekend after the first day of the month when welfare checks hit. Given a warm evening and all that money flowing in the welfare community, things get very interesting. We often forgo tunes on Welfare Weekend and rather just pump the police radio through the speakers to listen to the fun.

Jim Report: one Jim very early in the day, not to re-appear at the appropriate IHOS hour
Bimbo Report: too many to count. Many of them desperately in need of major plastic surgery
Rat Report: Merv, the IHOS rat, was spotted in the bushes earlier today foraging for food.
Bush Report: all bushes in the immediate neighborhood are now properly marked and watered by Ty and a handful of drunken Yahoos who could not make it to proper facilities
Kat Report: we are pleased to announce that Kat will be returning from Johns Hopkins University in a matter of a week or two and will be permanently living in Raleigh. She will now be able to come to IHOS on demand and demonstrate her uncanny ability to suck the filling out of a jelly donut.

Sunday, 26 April 1998

Slow and peaceful night with not much activity. Those who were drunk last night are still trying to recover and those who were not drunk are still stunned by the view of the traveling bimbos.

Thumper was able to come out an play after having slept for some 34 hours straight, though he claimed that he was not sleeping, but rather occupied. We, of course, don't believe him. Mikey dropped in for a bit when he arrived home and Thumper was in the middle of telling some weird tale of how it feels good to walk around barefoot in goose shit. Mikey concurred and Val and I thought that both of them were completely out of their gourds. Then Thumper started talking about how geese have teeth. Now don't get me wrong, but I know enough to realize that geese, as nasty as they may be, do not have teeth. Indeed, I had to go up against a goose one day who apparently felt that I had invaded his territory; I was forced to kick it up side the head to get it to leave, but I can assure you they have no teeth. A short time into the discussion of geese teeth there was a momentary pause as we pondered the thought of Thumper being attacked by a flock of geese when suddenly Mikey blurted out...

"I once had to drop kick a chicken."

We all looked at each other and decided at that moment to call it a night rather than listen to the full details of THAT story.

Jim Report: no Jims
Freak Report: one freak whose pants probably set a new record for "Greatest Linear Separation Between the Waistband and the Actual Waist"
Mosquito Report: one mosquito seen at low altitude looking for food. It is perhaps time to once again set up the bug zapper.

Monday, 27 April 1998

Too tired...

Tuesday, 28 April 1998

Too cold...

Wednesday, April 29 1998 and Thursday, April 30, 1998

Not feeling well...but keep reading into May for more information and our Name the Disease contest.

Friday, 1 May 1998 and Saturday, 2 May 1998

It's time for "Name That Disease" where contestants can win prizes and vials of anthrax bacillicus to use on their friends and neighbors.

For years now, I haven't been feeling well. In the occasional trip to the doctor, I was always told that I had severe allergies, occasionally trying a new round of allergy shots or the latest antihistamine for relief. Nothing really worked so I just lived with the symptoms. This has been going on for 20 or more years now. Then about three weeks ago, things got worse. Much worse.

It started with a continuation of tiredness that was sometimes overwhelming. Then my ankles started to swell, the edema getting very noticeable and not subsiding during the time I was asleep. Lymph glands all over me started swelling. My skin got very dry and scaly, more dry and scaly than normal. And I was constantly freezing; when it was in the 70s inside the house, I would sequester myself in the bathroom with a space heater to keep warm.

Well, Saturday morning I woke up and my glands were so swollen that I had humps on my shoulders and looked like a chipmunk. My armpits hurt. I had just been to the doctor last Thursday for yet another bout of sinus infection and ear congestion where she drew some blood, suspecting something else as the underlying problem. When I woke up looking like I did on Saturday, it was time to run back to the doctor. And the test results were in and conclusive. They put me on a certain medication which, now exactly 24 hours later, has resulted in a disappearance of the lymph gland swelling, a marked reduction in the edema, and has placed me in a much better mood where I actually have the energy level I used to have 20 years ago. It's truly remarkable. So let's review the symptoms...

Edema of the lower legs, ankles and feet
Long-standing, but intermittent, low grade fever
Repeated sinus and bronchial infections
Swollen glands
Increasing lack of motivation
Dry skin
Puffiness around the eyes
30 pound weight gain in the past year

I will give you a bit of a clue. About three years ago, I came down with the same group of symptoms - especially the edema - and the doctor I was seeing at the time referred me to a pulmonary specialist. I was put through a whole bunch of tests and it turned out that my heart, lungs, and circulatory system was completely fine. That marked episode of increased symptoms, like the current bout, was also preceded by a bad sinus infection that required antibiotics. The same sequence of events, though not as pronounced, happened also last summer, though my doctor, given the clean bill of pulmonary health, attribituted it to the infection compounded by severe allergies (which I do indeed have.)

So there you have it. Now you figure out what I have. It may help to know that I am 41.

The first person to properly guess what is wrong with me will receive a copy of the Rhino Records CD "The Best of War...and More", a package of Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish, two cherry Rolaids, and a rock from the IHOS garden. To enter, send an email with your guess to Include your name, mailing address, and phone number so that if you win I can get hold of you to send you the stuff.

By the way, the medicine I am now taking apparently kicks in rather quickly and I should be completely back to my old self in a matter of weeks (or sooner given the dramatic improvement in just the past 24 hours.) Until complete recovery, I will still hold IHOS when I can starting Sunday night when we will be grilling out rib-eyes.

Sunday, 3 May 1998 through Wednesday, 6 May 1998

I must apologize for the lack of IHOS entries over the past week. Actually, I probably should apologize for the lack of IHOS over that same week, but I have been big-time sick. One things to report, though...

I seriously hope that no one who emailed about "Name That Disease" actually intends to practice medicine at any time in their lives. What a bunch of diagnostic morons. Then again, a whole bunch of doctors missed the symptoms for over a decade so I guess I can't slight anyone.

For those who are interested, I have hypothyroidism. Apparently my thyroid gland has shut down after years of being on the decline. Although it is a rather common illness, it happens now to affect me which sucks. The docs have put me on replacement hormone therapy and the stuff is ripping me to pieces. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for more info and to check my serum thyroid levels; then they can make a better assessment of how to approach the problem.

Fortunately, hypothyroidism is a very treatable disease whose side effects disappear as soon as the hormone level comes back to normal. In the meantime, though, I really don't feel like doing anything of any significance. I hope to feel a bit better by this weekend and will see about opening IHOS again. At least it will be a bit warmer.

Thursday, 7 May 1998

Rain. Big rain. Thunderstorms of Biblical proportions. Lightning. Hail. Wind. Not a good night for IHOS and definitely not a good night for Rhino Records night (where they collect records so you don't have to.)

Friday, 8 May 1998 through Tuesday 12 May 1998

Very cold, generally wet, and mostly nasty outside. The weather is supposed to break by mid-week so we'll get back to the inanity shortly. this ought to be a pretty good weekend for bimbo reports as well since all three major universities have graduation in a couple of days. The thought of tens of thousands of coeds celebrating their passage to adulthood is making Mikey excited.

I'm feeling much better as well, so I have been a bit disappointed that the weather has been shot for five days now.

Wednesday 13 May 1998 and Thursday 14 May 1998

We did a daytime IHOS today (Thursday) since it was over 80 degrees, but the temperature is supposed to hit the low 50s tonight -- supposedly the last time for a while that it will get cold at night. Andy, roommate of Jaq, stopped by for a bit and we consumed large quantities of crab legs. It was good.

Given that We have essentially missed two Rhino Record nights in a row, we are temporarily moving Rhino Records night to Friday this week and this week only. We will resume our normal Thursday night schedule next week.

And the big news...Katie-Kins parents are coming down this weekend, due to arrive Friday morning. That should result in a rousing IHOS event for Friday night, what with them here as well as graduation celebrations galore with their attending drunken bimbos. Speaking of which (celebrations, not drunken bimbos,) Katie's sister will also be coming down from Maryland so we will give you a full report tomorrow.

Garden Report: most of the everyday flowering plants are in the ground, but I am going to wait about three more weeks to plant some of the more exotic stuff.
Slug report: several dead and dried slugs
Ant report: many ants of which one bit Val. She is not amused

Friday 15 May 1998

Lamar is back. For those who don't remember, Lamar is the father of Katie-Kins, keeper of Mahvash, mother of Katie-Kins. both were down this weekend to witness one of the more improbable events in the history of the world -- the graduation of Katie-Kins. She has finally matriculated and is now a full-fledged member of the real world.

Lamar spent the evening at IHOS relating stories of IBM, Microsoft, and other varied tales of computer life. At one point, he launched into a rousing diatribe of IBM complete with the word "Think" emblazoned across the sky and the IBM anthem playing faintly in the background. We let him roll on for about five minutes to get it out of his system then we turned out attention to more important things at the moment.

There were no bimbos as expected. In fact, there was no one in the neighborhood at all. We had anticipated a large turnout for the pre-graduation parties which spring up all over the neighborhood, but nothing ever materialized. We were somewhat disappointed.

Tonight was also a Night of the Blood Moon. Recall the Blood Moon is not only a semi-rare occasion when the moon appears red as it rises above the horizon, but is also the only time when Jenny actually eats meat; if you don't understand the reference, you really need to go back and read 1997. We miss Jenny and we hope she returns soon.

Jim Report: two Jims, one earlier in the day when the sun was still up and the second during IHOS. We actually think they may have been the same Jim, but the first one was wearing a suit and tie -- totally out of character for the Jim we know.
Slug Report: one slug who brazenly made its way to the top of the table where it was promptly crushed
Baby Rabbit Report: on baby rabbit was seen in the bushes today. We hope it survives an inevitable meeting with the IHOS rat who lives in the same bush.
Katie-Kins' Sister Report: I am not even going to try to spell her name, but the sister of Katie-Kins was here as well along with her brand, new fiance. They appeared to be a very happy couple with sis demanding that she be pampered and fiance of sis pampering successfully. And yes, she has very nice hooters.
Rhino Records Discography: Firecrackers: The Best of Mass Production (Rhino R2 72522). We apologize for backing off Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) by one night this week and things will return to normal starting next Thursday.

Saturday 16 May 1998

The first, perfect IHOS night of the year. We started at 10 sharp and the temperature was still in the 80s. By the time we shut it down at 4 AM, it was still in the low 70s. It doesn't get any better than this.

Last night was an omen of things to come, though we didn't know it at the time. At 10 PM, I look out the door, about to go out and formally open IHOS, and who do I see but Marty. And guess who was in tow? None other than Jenny herself in the wake of the Blood Moon. Jenny is even hotter looking now than when we last saw her; we were seriously impressed. She is back for the summer now and will be dropping by often. Marty himself was even awestruck at how hot Jenny was and couldn't even get out a story over about 5 minutes in duration. Or perhaps it was because we threatened to kill him if he told any story that lasted more than 5 minutes or involved more than two digressions. So we won twice.

We went out and got four new chairs earlier tonight to replace the ones shattered last season. They came in handy since people started pouring in about 11. First we had Jay and Kay come by. Jay and Marty spent about 15 minutes hitting each other over the head with an empty two-liter bottle, then things calmed down a bit when Kay threatened to kill Marty if he hit Jay again. We could only be so lucky, but Marty took the subtle hint and stopped bottle wars in its tracks. That gave Jay another five minutes or so to hit Marty on the head without retaliation.

Linda, mother of Mikey, was also here tonight, though Dirk, keeper of Linda wimped out and went to sleep early. We tried to get Linda to tell stories about Mikey when he was growing up, but things turned ugly very quickly as Jay and Mikey started telling stories about Linda. To summarize, if you are ever invited over to Linda's for dinner, do not eat the cold vegetable soup.

Billy-Bob, aka Thumper, also came by. We will probably not see much of Thumper anymore since he is no longer the keeper of Katie-Kins now that she is going home to Gaithersburg. Thumper has moved out to some slum up the street and will be spending most of the summer pressure-washing Charlotte. He intends to drop in from time to time, though, and fill us in on the details of his brother, Richard, and the continued boning of Richard's major-league, new wife, Kim. We are still jealous.

Then something sad happened. Katie-Kins came by with Derrick. She stopped in to say goodbye and started crying. We felt bad, but she will still be present at IHOS; we are setting up a Katie-Kins page next week where Lamar will issue regular reports on what Katie-Kins is doing in her new home. And we will be going to DC often this summer, so we will see her regularly. We will still miss her bunches.

Finally, John and Ty stopped in for a bit. John, half-blind from the overconsumption of liquid bread and Ty, still drooling all over the yard, filled us in on his job this summer. Not Ty's job...John's job as a preemie civil engineer. He is building bridges, so if you are in the Raleigh area and see a crew working on a bridge, honk your horn and say hello.

Owl Report: we had a full-blown owl sighting tonight. I saw it fly into a tree across the street, held out my arm, and went oooooooohhhhhhhhh. At the time, I had no idea of what it was, just that it was big and fast. No one else saw it and, of course, did not believe that I saw anything until the owl came flying out of the tree towards us. It did a swoop and veered off about 20 feet from the table, flying into the trees next door. It was big. It had big claws. It was very cool. It made me hungry so we fixed some crab legs since we didn't have any chicken and we didn't have the proper tools to catch and cook the owl.
Bug Zapper Report: very active zapper tonight. We got some major fry action since the flying cockroaches are back in force. One gave us a 30 second burn with two stages, a bunch of popping noise, and a plume of smoke.
Pseudo-Aretha Franklin Report: It has always amazed me that all women, no matter what age, know every word to the song "Respect". And when it started playing, Val, Kay, and Linda were sitting in a line on one end of the table. They started singing along, trading the lead back and forth with military precision. It made us nervous.

Sunday 17 May 1998

Well, it has finally warmed up to the point where I enjoy things. Highs in the 90s and lows in the upper 60s. High humidity and the neighborhood is very quiet and will be so for the next two weeks until NCSU starts back for the summer.

Now that the weather is perfect, it is time to lay down the rules of IHOS. To start -- how to tell if IHOS is open.

IHOS is open when the temperature is above 60, when it is not raining, and when the bug zapper is on. But to clarify... it may have been raining earlier in the evening, but if it is not raining now, and the other conditions are satisfied, then IHOS is open. The door may be closed and no one may be actually sitting at IHOS, but if the conditions are satisfied, then IHOS is open. When those conditions are satisfied, then you are free to drop in anytime you like. But what if the door is open, it is warm, it is not raining, and the bug zapper is not plugged in? Then you enter at your own peril. I reserve the right to kill you.

No one who has committed a serious felony is allowed at IHOS unless cannibalism was involved, then we will consider making an exception.

If you are a tree-hugging, yellow-spined, left-wing, liberal weenie, you enter IHOS at your own risk. I can assure you that you will be unmercifully ridiculed and made to feel like a squashed pea. On the other hand, do stop by since we may be hungry and could throw you on the grill if you have enough meat on your bones which you most likely don't since you are probably a bleeding heart vegetarian with no sense of proportion.

None of the above applies to women with extremely large breasts. They are welcome at any time under any condition.

IHOS is running on a bring-your-own-meat schedule this year. Last year we got conned into feeding the entire neighborhood on a regular basis and ended up spending over $7,000 for food between May and September. We will provide the peanuts, though, unless of course you have extremely large breasts. Then you can eat any of our food that you like in whatever quantity you want. We will even hand feed you while fanning you with palm fronds.

You can not lie when sitting at IHOS. You can potentially embellish the truth if doing so provides for a more interesting story, but you can not out-and-out lie. Doing so is punishable by being forced to go slug hunting.

Certain animals at IHOS have been elevated to almost sacred status. Among them are the rabid beaver, the black bug (but only during humping season,) the hedgehog, fireflies, earthworms, and vultures. You may not harm those animals under any circumstances. Other animals are under the penalty of death for even daring to intrude on our territory. They are the slug, the mosquito, the spider, the ant, and the gnat. You may kill them with abandon. Then there are all other animals which may or may not be slaughtered depending on what they are doing at any particular moment. For instance, June bugs can be killed at will unless we have tied a string around their little legs and are watching them fly in circles until they collapse into exhaustion. Same goes for Japanese beetles. Use your best judgment for all others. As always, any domesticated animals that wander into IHOS are off limits for extermination. They include cats, dogs, pot-bellied pigs, and cows. We have yet to see a yak in the neighborhood so we will deal with that circumstance if it should arise.

Anyone who sits in the Chair of Instability is liable for their own injuries. Anyone who trips over the small step at the periphery of IHOS and falls, scraping their ankles on the garden timbers is on their own. Anyone who plays too close to the IHOS candle and sets them self on fire is on their own (and we have already determined that Pringles Potato Chips burn explosively so there is not need to repeat that experiment.) Anyone who sticks their tongue in the bug zapper is on their own.

Only a select group of individuals can use the bathroom; you know who you are. Anyone else is on their own. Don't even ask. If you have to ask, you are not one of the select group. Anyone not in the select group is free to use the bushes out back, but you are on your own. (See IHOS rat.)

If you are coming to IHOS, make sure that you park in a visitors spot or on the street. We are not responsible for your own stupidity when you miss the billboard-sized sign stating that you will be towed if you park in a residents spot. We will not lend you the $100 it will take to get your car back and we will spend the rest of the night making fun of you. Unless of course, you have extremely large breasts. In that case, we will give you the money and carry you on our backs to get your car.

No fireworks are allowed unless you think that you will not get caught. Even so, no 400 pound aerial bombs are allowed. Sparklers are allowed, but you are on your own if you accidentally stick the 2000 degree metal rod in your eye.

If Ty comes over, you are responsible for your own dry cleaning when he slobbers all over you.

There will be no lighting of farts unless you are absolutely confident that such an act will result in blue flames shooting out of your ass. No other color flame s acceptable. Farting, though, without involving the act of self-immolation, is perfectly acceptable.

Thursday nights are Rhino Records night (where they collect records so you don't have to.) Every Thursday, we feature at least one complete CD from the Rhino Records catalogue. From time to time, and later in the summer, we will also have some Rhino stuff to give away. We are working on some larger plans as well.

I can't think of anything else at this moment and Val refuses to help; she is too busy trying to find the phone number of a mental institution to help me.

Monday 18 May 1998

Nice, slow, warm night. Val and I sat out and watched the grass grow. Real exciting lives we have, huh?

Tuesday 19 May 1998

Marty and Kayt came over for a bit this evening. Kayt looked spectacular as usual and Marty was an idiot. Then again, Marty is always an idiot. We are looking forward to the return of Kat who will be settling in to her new place this weekend. The Ho-Hos are ready.

By the way, it is getting even warmer each and every day. We are happy.

Slug Report: no slugs
Black Bug Report: one black bug in search of a mate to bone
Jim Report: one Jim who woke me up around noon and was very frightened by what he was come to the door. He got nervous and ran away.

Wednesday 20 May 1998

Heavy rain this evening - a complete washout.

Thursday 21 May 1998

A small crowd for Rhino Record night this evening since no one is back from break yet. Just Val, Mikey, and myself sitting around.

Rhino Records Discography: Bar-B-Que Soul-a-Bration, a special package put together by Rhino Records (where they collect records so you don't have to.) The set contains two CD with 37 of the classic summer hits of the R&B era. And you also get a great book that includes tips on how to make the perfect grill fire, a ton or recipes, and a host of things to do that will guarantee the success of your BBQ party.

Friday 22 May 1998 through Monday 25 May 1998

Late evening thunderstorms essentially shut down IHOS for a stretch. But things are looking up. Starting next week we go into a really warm and dry pattern.

Tuesday 26 May 1998

The night was moist. Real high humidity and temperatures still in the mid-70s at 3 am. My kind of weather. We started out by dedicating our evening to an IHOS road trip to the apartment of the Babes Across the Street. Nikki, Shallon, and Sarah, along with a small contingent of the Sausage Factory were sitting on the patio enjoying the evening so Val and I thought we would wander over and join them for a bit. After about an hour, Nikki went inside to take a phone call from her primary bone and we spent the next half-hour of so making fun of her.

Sarah is concerned that her primary bone's birthday is rapidly approaching and she can not find anything appropriate to give him. She wants to do something in the computer motif, but unfortunately is completely ignorant concerning anything about a computer. That's not much of a help. Shallon suggested a nekkid photograph. Val thought that some sort of composite involving Sarah's head and Anna Nicole Smith's body would be more appropriate. I thought that the real thing would be much better received. Sarah's still thinking along the lines of mousepad.

At one point in the evening, someone mentioned that class was approaching along with sunrise so it might be a good time to call it a night. Val and I then went to the grocery store and procured some food. I picked up a box of Zwieback to munch on...hey, I will grant that it is technically baby food, but don't knock it till you've tried it. Val an I returned to sit at IHOS for a bit till the morning paper arrived. This is gonna be a good summer.

Jim Report: no Jims
Slug Report: no slugs
Jan Report: Jan, one of the Babes in the Apartment Across the Street, is gone for the summer having been suckered into melding with John, keeper of Jan, at their ancestral home in Roxboro. So for the duration of the summer, we will have to concentrate on Shallon.

Wednesday 27 May 1998

We got a late start tonight since Val and I took a quick nap and ended up crawling out of bed at 2 am. And it was just as good that we missed most of the evening. Apparently, this was the Night of the Larva.

Larva come in groups (hey, it's a known, scientific fact.) By the time we got outside, there were dozens of large, translucent larva crawling around the sidewalks and driveway, leaving slime trails as they slithered. Given that the bulk of all larva crawl around well prior to 2 am (hey, it's a known, scientific fact,) I can only imagine how many there were earlier in the evening. Gives me the willies just thinking about it.

But now it's time for Guess That Social Circumstance...

At about 4 am, two guys and two bimbos came crawling down the parking lot and drooled their way to their car parked in the street. The first bimbo got in the car, and one guy said goodbye and continued to walk through the parking lot on the other side of the street to were his car was parked. He got in the car. Meanwhile, the second guy and the second bimbo started sucking major face in the middle of the street, the slurping noises being heard all the way over where we were sitting. After a couple of minutes, the guy gets into his car and drives off while the now-sucked bimbo makes her way back down the street.

As the car is driving off, the second bimbo assumes a slight crouching stance and begins creeping along the bushes towards the parking lot where the car of the first guy was parked. As she is about half-way down the lot, the guy gets out of his car, they meet, they embrace, and the sucking begins again. Two guys...two suckings...three minutes apart. Anyway, he gets back into his car and she stumbles back towards her apartment.

There was no public barfing so I really didn't make a big deal out of it, but it was amusing. I wonder who will claim to be the eventual father?

Rabbit Report: one baby rabbit sitting on an old tree stump taking stock of its world.
Tiki Torch Report: three Tiki torches that will not light because the wicks got wet in the thunderstorm earlier in the day.
Jim Report: no Jims
Garden Report: we've got a plant that you can hear growing it is sprouting so quickly. I will try not to kill it with my advanced gardening skills.

Thursday 28 May 1998

Finally, we are somewhat back to normal with everyone being awake at the same time, a nice warm night, and no pounding thunderstorms bringing the wrath of the heavens down on IHOS. Jaq and Andy stopped in early before we were actually open to inform us that Jaq successfully underwent hernia surgery the day before. They apparently laid open his nard sacks and shoved a goodly portion of his intestines back into his body. After feeling his pain for about three seconds, we decided that the only appropriate thing to do was to make him laugh...laugh hard...and laugh continuously. We succeeded. Unfortunately, we were not able to physically split any stitches. We will continue.

It was also time for a Wendy's run. No particular reason to mention that; just thought I would.

Jim came over and brought a couple of roman candles with, he hypothetically came over and brought some alleged roman candles with him. We would never actually possess something that is illegal in North Carolina. No, we would never do that. But given the hypothetical roman candles, we would have stuck them in the ground and lit them (had such an act been legal in North Carolina.) The subsequent cloud of smoke that blanketed the neighborhood for about 10 minutes, choking people inside their homes, was pretty bad -- presuming that such an act had occurred in the first place. The nitrites were so thick that we hoped no one downwind was pregnant...again presuming that such an event had actually occurred.

Rhino Records Discography: Soul Hits of the 70s - Volume 20. Excellent volume in an excellent series of the greatest soul hits of all time. This is a must have set. We will be playing more of the volumes on future Rhino Records Nights (where they collect records so you don't have to.)
Jim Report: one Jim
IHOS Virgin Report: We had a new neighbor, Steve, drop in this evening. Steve will fit right in at IHOS given his proud report on how he barfed earlier in the evening. He also came down a bit later in the evening to borrow a number 0 Phillips screwdriver. When he brought it back, the first thing he said involved something about his girlfriend. We do not know if there is any connection between the screwdriver and his girlfriend, but we intend to find out.
Hog From Hell Report: Val got hungry about midnight and ordered a large pizza with pineapple, mushrooms, and onions. She ate the entire thing along with an order of buffalo wings. Let the farting begin...
Tiki Torch Report: Well, they lit tonight, but we had a bit of a problem putting one of them out. Seems like the little caps they give you to extinguish the flame is a tad flammable itself. As in the thing burst into flame and caught the torch itself on fire. We had to take the torch and do the stop, drop, and roll thing to put it out. We will watch it for a time to make sure it does not spontaneously combust.

Friday 29 May 1998

No one came over which is probably just as good since there was a bevy of bimbos and yahoos wandering to and from a party up the cul-de-sac all night long. At one point, five -- count 'em -- five Suburban-type things came rolling up into the parking lot only to disgorge dozens of mental midgets whose only means of purchasing those $25,000 monsters was via their daddy's wallets. None appeared to have any means to individually support themselves.

The bimbos were rather stunning, though. If you had an attraction to something that looked like a cross between Quasimodo and a heroin addict. They had humps in all the wrong places and the ones that were approximately correct anatomically looked like they drooled professionally. It's times like these when we're glad that AIDS is not spread by airborne transmission.

Jim Report: one Jims with dinosaurs in tow
Black Bug Report: the black bugs are getting more numerous and we expect that annual humping will begin shortly.
Garden Report: most everything is still alive and thriving. We have had some casualties, though, most notably the three plants that were actually indoor plants, but I decided to try them outside anyway. That being the case, I am not too disappointed. The Pitcher plants are doing well although they have apparently not eaten any bugs yet. We will wail.

Saturday 30 May 1998

I'm not even sure that you want to know about the argument which broke out at IHOS tonight, but it is so bizarre that I will tell you anyway.

Jaq and Billy Bob, aka Thumper, got into a discussion involving who suffered the most pain. And not just any normal pain...wail, let me go back to the beginning.

Jaq has surgery last Thursday for a hernia -- and not just your normal hernia either, but the type that makes one seem very virile when it is only an intestine causing that enlarged nard sack. Anyway, he is in a lot of pain. Well, Billy Bob was not about to abide someone actually experiencing more pain than he so he started in on the story of how he got is pecker caught in a reclining chair. Apparently he was moving a chair, hoisting it over his head and bringing it out to the truck when it started to unfold. Oh, I should tell you that he was wearing some loose-fitting gym shorts -- and only some loose-fitting gym shorts. He lowered the chair in front of him and as he put it down, his...uh...member got inserted in between the footrest and the chair frame itself. Well, when the chair hit the ground, the footrest folded back into the frame and given the normal human reaction to such an event, he stood straight up. Well you can imagine the rest.

Jaq, on the other hand, related stories involving oozing, vomiting, and the sound stitches make when they get some tension on them.

We decided that it was a toss-up given that two separate organs were being discussed (thought they are marginally related in most people.)

Jim Report: no Jims
Hummingbird Report: the feeder is in place, but no hummingbirds yet.
Katie-Kins Report: Katie-Kins called Billy Bob last night with nothing of significance to report. Of course, knowing Katie-Kins, that could mean that nothing was actually happening or that she had accepted a job as an international spy; you never know with her. She's the type who would be crying hysterically, rocking back and forth in the corner, but would deny that anything was wrong if asked.

Sunday 31 May 1998

Rather uneventful evening with nothing more than Val and I sitting out in the warm, summer-like air. I almost fell asleep outside it was so nice.

Monday 1 June 1998 through Wednesday 3 June 1998

There was so little happening for three days that I really have nothing to report. The babes in the Apartment Across the Street were all lounging the evenings away without any excitement. Mikey was doing nothing. And Val an I were vegetating for three days. Though the National Weather Service has reported the temperature to be in the mid-90s over these three days, the actual temperature for anyone not living at the airport was in the low-100s with heat indexes approaching 115 or better.

I feel like a lizard.

Thursday 4 June 1998

Whoa...serious hammering by thunderstorms all night long. Heavy rain, lightning, some small tornadoes this time, though. It looks like Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) is another washout this evening. We'll try again next week. Actually, we are considering moving Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) to Friday based on demand. It seems that a whole bunch of weenies who drop by IHOS have to work on Friday and can not take full advantage of Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) when it is on Thursday. We will consider the request and let you know.

In the meantime, the garden is really liking this rain and it saves me from dragging out the hose to water every five hours of so.

Oh, and we do have an update from last Sunday night. We reported that there was absolutely nothing going on; well, that was not exactly correct. Dave and Kim, our favorite trailer trash buddies, dropped by after spending 11 hours at some country music concert. Though there is no scientific causality to back up my conclusion, I would venture to say that we forgot their appearance because Kim did not take her clothes off and the odor coming off of Dave after being a yahoo in the hot sun for 11 hours fried some memory cells in our brains.

Friday 5 June 1998

More rain, and given the weather forecast, we are considering building an ark.

Saturday 6 June 1998

Still more rain. Will this ever end? What's even more bothersome is that it is getting downright cold for this time of year. The daily high was only 65 and the temperature is supposed to be going down into the mid-40s at night for the next several evenings.

I think it's time to really consider building a very high wall along the US-Canadian border to keep these cold fronts out of our yard.

Sunday 7 June 1998 through Tuesday 9 June 1998

OK, this is insane. Not only is it raining, but it is a cold rain. Fortunately, relief is on the way with the temperatures rising back into the upper 80s during the day and the nighttime lows only supposed to be in the upper 60s. This has got to end, though, We haven't even been able to grill out in almost a week.

Wednesday 10 June 1998

Val's birthday was today so IHOS was closed for some special activities.

Thursday 11 June 1998

Slow evening with not much going on today. Once again, it is too hot for humans to live. Val and I sat out at IHOS, Mikey dropped in for a bit, and Chad came down to rant about something inane.

Rhino Record Discography: Since it was slow, we decided to do a replay of the two CD set of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons that we played earlier in the year. Both Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 are packed full of all their hits.
Bimbo Report: one semi-magnificent bimbo passed by while jogging. Brought about 30 seconds of peaked interest in an otherwise dead evening.
Hospital Report: Late in the night, I ended up with a bizarre heart rhythm that we decided to have checked out at the emergency room. It turned out to be a harmless side effect of the thyroid medicine and they let me go home. Some of the nurses at Rex Hospital have some really nice hooters.

Friday 12 June 1998

Given that last night was a real pain, I essentially slept through tonight. Sorry. If it any consolation, I woke Val up this morning by galloping a plastic Godzilla across her butt.

Saturday 13 June 1998

Interesting night.

Billy Bob, aka thumper, dropped in for a bit. He has been in Charlotte again this summer pressure-washing the entire city (and doing a good job based on the look of things.) He had a friend with him called Bryon who didn't say much, so there's not much to report. There were also two people waiting for him in a car. One was a guy, but the other was a major-league blonde babe who was with the guy. We never really found out anything about them. Too bad.

About an hour later, things started to hop. Jay dropped in without Kay in tow who had gone home for the weekend to attend to something or other that sounded real boring so we didn't press the issue any further. Then Mikey came down along with the parental units, Linda and Dirk. Along with Val and I, we involved ourselves in a series of bizarre tales, most of which constitute felonies so I won't repeat them. Let it suffice to say that if you are driving down the road with a hog in the back seat, you'd better have a reasonable explanation when you get pulled.

Then I had to step inside for a bit. When I returned, Jay, Mikey, Linda, and Dirk had mysteriously transmogrified into Marty, Kayt, and Kat. I'm not gonna say much about Marty except that he ate a boatload of Taco Bell food then started farting. Not much noise, but the stench literally warped the resin table. And unfortunately, it was a warm and calm night so the smell lingered. There is definitely something wrong with that boy's gastrointestinal system.

Kat was a tad quiet given this was her first time at IHOS this season. She is back in town for good now and will be giving public demonstrations of how to suck the cream out of the middle of a HoHo from time to time. Reservations are being taken at the door.

Kayt looked stunning as usual. Tonight she was wearing her Cow and Chicken tee-shirt that is way too tight to actually fit those ever-expanding hooters into. We were very happy. she also spent most of the night playing with something hanging on a cord from her neck that looked like one of those Chinese finger traps, only bigger. We figured it was some sort of nipple protector since it looked to be just about the right size for Kayt.

Moon Report: the moon popped out from behind the clouds for a moment and Jay wondered if it was actually the moon since all you could see was a little sliver. I sat there and thought, "what else could a half-degree slice of light shining at -12 magnitude be?" I didn't want to mention anything, though, since he was pining for Kay and I didn't want to upset him any further.
Babes in the Apartment Across the Street Report: Just when you think Shallon can't get any hotter looking, she goes and outdoes herself. The babe is hot in a dress. Members of the Sausage Factory need to take her out more often.
Owl Report: We heard the owl again today, but it has not made a re-appearance again. We await with baited grill.
Steve Report: Steve, our neighbor from up the cul-de-sac was seen roaming around this evening in a bit of a daze. We weren't sure if he was just trying to walk off his Friday night party that he threw, or if he was considering becoming an axe murderer or something. We decided that for the time being we did not want to find out
Greg Report: Greg, our former neighbor next door, dropped on in his former roommates for a while. Though he didn't stop over to see us (since they were in a rush to go quail hunting at the local bars) we did note that he has gotten bigger -- about four inches taller and 40 pounds heavier. He is now bigger than Hoss Cartwright and just barely fits into the back seat of a Mercedes. I think he is being fed a diet of whole sheep.

Sunday 14 June 1998

Big rain. Heavy thunderstorms. Val, Mikey, and I watched them roll in and pummel us for hours. Finally, I got tired and kicked Mikey out about 4 AM.

Back Stroke Report: Much flooding. I think the gravel driveway next door is now in the storm sewer.
Car Report: The bottom line is that our car is now cleaner than yours. We washed it, vacuumed it, Armor-All'ed it, and waxed it. I had forgotten what color it was. Then it started raining. Who knew?
IHOS Rat Report: There was a positive sighting of the IHOS rat earlier in the evening. The first indication that there was something amiss was when Scruffles (a 20 pound hairy monster in the shape of a cat for those who don't remember) started making noises like a banshee from hell while her hair stood on end. When we went to investigate, we saw the initial flurry of activity in the garden by the birdbath. After some coaxing with a long metal pole, the IHOS rat made a beeline from the garden to the bushes towards where Ty lives. It is still very large.

Monday 15 June 1998

Animal Night at IHOS

Very slow today with almost no human movement in the neighborhood, but we did have a raft of animals for some reason.

The Rat: The IHOS rat made another appearance this evening in the garden. It has gotten even larger. We think that it may have eaten a beaver or something.

The Ducks: Sometime around 2 AM, a very noisy flock of ducks cruised overhead. At least we think they were ducks; we could not actually see them since they were just to our west and the moon was to our east. There were no bombardments so we are happy.

The Jaq: Jaq stopped in for a minute or two to give us a nard report. His nards are healing well. He brought up the subject of him possibly wearing Spandex in his role with the band Nine Lbs at which time we became physically ill at that thought and forced him to leave until he can be civil again.

The Black Bug: Many black bugs this evening and they appear to be gaining in frenziness as we approach their mating season. No boning yet, though.

The Platymoth: One vary large platymoth was spotted circling the street light, but it was a smart one since it didn't go anywhere near that bug zapper.

The Possum: We saw our first possum of the 1998 season tonight crossing the street on the way to the dumpster. It was a skinny one.

The Slug: There was a single slug on the sidewalk tonight. We have been slug-free for weeks now and presumably must lay down some banned poisons again.

The Worms: The worms are back. Actually, I don't think they are really worms; they look a bit more like a small, black catepiller, but I have never been able to see any legs. They don't have segmented bodies either, but they move like worms so for the time being they are worms.

Animals we have seen in the past this year: the owl, a copperhead, a rabbit, crows, ravens, very confused seagulls, roly-poly bugs, spiders -- both the fast and slow varieties, lightening bugs, ladybugs, crickets -- normal and cave, mosquitoes, palmetto bugs, bats, chipmunk, squirrels, insane birds protecting their nests, earthworms, and the usual host of cats and dogs.

Animals not yet sighted: We have not yet seen any hedgehogs which is starting to concern us greatly since 1998 is the Year of the Hedgehog. Nor have we yet seen any yaks, vultures, frogs, turtles, cows, slime molds, humpback whales, or toothed chickens. We are patient though and will continue to keep vigil.

Tuesday 16 June 1998

Jaq and Andy stopped by.
Jaq and Andy left.
Jaq and Andy came back.
Jaq and Andy left again.
Now the details...

Val and I were sitting out at the table enjoying the evening when we spy a creature looming on the eastern horizon. It was Jaq with Andy in tow. They were attending an ad hoc cookout across the street and decided to wander over while the steaks were cooking. Not 30 seconds after they arrived, we heard the noise.

There are many times when we sit at IHOS and hear the screeching of tires, only to be let down when we don't hear the grinding of metal and the screaming of the injured. Well, tonight we got the Full Monty. Of course, upon hearing the breaking of glass, we decided a road trip was in order. And what a trip it was. As we rounded the corner, our hearts beating in anticipation of the potential gore, we were treated to the sight of a motorcycle laying on its side. It doesn't get much better than that, unless of course a propane truck is somehow involved, which in this case wasn't, but we take what we can get.

Anyway, after a quick investigation, we were a bit let down since the injuries were only minor. No decapitation. No severed limbs. No chest cavities crushed like walnuts under a steamroller. Just some scraps and minor bruising. But it did allow for a good start on the evening.

Jaq and Andy then left to eat When they finished eating, Jaq and Andy came back. Mikey and Linda also joined us.

Jaq spent the rest of the evening trying to get people who were driving by to wave at him and was rarely successful. He caught a few, though, and that was enough to keep him happy.

Linda actually did not join us immediately as she was schlogging her two mile daily walk around the parking lot when Jaq and Andy got here for the second time. Now, Jaq had not yet met Linda, nor did he know that Linda was Mikey's mom, so it was somewhat amusing when Jaq spotted Linda rounding the dumpster and commented on her fine ass. We let him run with that for a while before informing him of the precise relationships among the varied IHOS attendees just to see how far he could get his foot into his mouth. Did you know that a human leg can be inserted up to ones knee under the proper circumstances?

Then there was Sarah. At one AM sharp, Sarah came out of here apartment and got into her car on her way to the Great Nightly Boning. We really appreciate that action on her part since it is so regular. We use it to calibrate our clocks every night.

Jim Report: no Jims
Black Bug Report: the sightings of black bugs are increasing and it appears that the Black Bug humping season is quickly approaching.
Gopher Report: When Linda was first sighted doing her parking lot laps, Jaq wondered what she was doing. We told him that she was being chased by a gopher with really short legs which is why she did not have to move very fast. As a result, Linda is now formally declared to be Linda, the Chaste by Gophers.

Wednesday 17 June 1998

We had a new visitor at IHOS tonight -- Michelle. Michelle is a serious babe who is presently being occupied by Bryan, associate of Billy Bob, aka Thumper, both of whom were also in attendance this evening. Michelle is also the cousin of Jennifer, the Jennifer of whom we spoke just a few short nights ago, though we only identified her at the hot blonde who was with Thumper since we didn't really find out anything about her at the time. We have found out more since then and await her return impatiently.

Linda also came down again which proved to be somewhat interesting since she and Thumper exchanged marriage vows, but they got divorced about an hour later. Obviously, there is more to that then meets the eye, but I'll get to it in a moment.

Nikki and Sarah, two of the Babes in the Apartment Across the Street, also dropped in. Or rather I should say, Nikki dropped in while Sarah oozed in. Sarah spent a great amount of time this evening consuming large quantities of adult beverages and was having trouble walking. She was also having a bit of a time keeping her clothes on, but we won't go there since she probably won't remember what happened and there is no need for us to rehash the details.

Nikki also has something called a Mark in tow. Mark was an interesting character. Mark had far more to drink than Sarah and was somewhat preoccupied with The Hunt given that there was little available for him to bone that evening.We offered to drill a couple of holes in one of the trees, and he perked up at that thought. We got nervous. Now, to Linda and Thumper.

Mark couldn't fathom that Val and I are married; he kept insisting that Val and Thumper were in conjugical bliss while Linda and I were the ones who were married to each other. We finally managed to convince him that Val and I were actually the ones who were married, but then he got it into his head that it must be Linda and Thumper who were married. So they planned their honeymoon to Greece, built their dream house, and had about 12 kids before Mark wandered off into the night and the Linda-Thumper union was forced to break up; it was a very nasty divorce. Linda got everything under a pre-nup agreement and Thumper was left penniless, wearing only the hair on his back. The last we saw of him, he was sleeping outside the Quik-Mart on Independence Blvd. down in Charlotte, begging plugs of Red Man and RC Colas from passing Mexicans. Very sad.

We also found out that Bryan is completely insane and will fit in well at IHOS as he adapts the surroundings very quickly. We may have to have him put down and grill him up if he continues on track.

Oh, and Heather was looking especially hot this evening.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bug Zapper Report: the bug zapper is getting more and more active as the season progresses and was particularly active this evening since the Japanese beetles are starting to come out and they are very stupid.
Paper Delivery Guy Report: the guy who delivers the paper finally got his brakes fixed so he can now sneak up on us without warning. It may get rather dangerous to sit outside now what with all the papers flying throughout the neighborhood without the warning that he is near.
Jennifer Report: Jennifer, cousin of Michelle, was reported to be working at a pizza delivery place. That is excellent news because now not only can she bring those fabulous hooters over here, but she can also bring us food.

Thursday 18 June 1998

OK, let it suffice it to say that Kim, keeper of Richard, brother of Billy-Bob, aka Thumper, has now got some serious competition. Jennifer came over tonight.

Jennifer is the cousin of Michelle. Jennifer is sultry. Jennifer is a woman who...well, who is...uh...uh...awesome. The word perfect comes to mind. Let's put it this way...when she walked up, the table itself suffered cutie field failure. When she sat down, immediately every male within three miles started making plans to weasel their way back to her place. I, being happily married of course, managed to merely stare at her hooters for only about four hours.

Everything else that happened last night is insignificant in comparison, but there is one thing to note.

We decided that Bryan's name is now Byron and issued him an official Lordship of his own. He is now the ruler of the Kingdom of Murphy, home to the mountain snail and gateway to the Dale of Dollywood.

Oh, one other thing. Some of the babes in the neighborhood (including Linda, the Chaste by Gophers who has now been elevated to the status of babe after Jaq declared that she had a fine ass,) use the sidewalk ringing the parking lot as a track where they walk in order to maintain their svelteness. Well, there has been a raging argument lately as to how long that circuit actually is with estimates ranging from 300 feet to over 1000 feet, leading me to believe that women have no sense of distance. Anyway...

I decided to settle the issue once and for all. A Raleigh police officer came cruising down the street about 2 am so I flagged him down. I informed him of the situation and requested that I be able to use his accident marking rolling stick thing to measure the babe track. He understood our plight and relented. By official measurement of a Raleigh police accident marking rolling stick thing, the distance around the parking lot is 554 feet, 7 inches, or a hair over one-tenth of a mile. I hope the babes are now happy.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bimbo Report: three bimbos in no particular hurry to get anywhere.
Katie-Kins Report: Katie-Kins reportedly reported in to Billy-Bob just to note that there is nothing to report.
Chad Report: Chad came down about 10 pm to seek out a CPU fan, the likes of which a major warehouse would not carry in stock. But I'm supposed to have one laying around. Well, the one I had was in use so I couldn't spare it.
Chad Report II: Chad came back down at about 3 am to report that he jury-rigged his computer to work with an industrial fan or some such thing. Chad is still insane.
Mikey Report: we managed to pry some information out of Linda, the Chaste by Gophers this evening about Mikey -- things which prove to be exceptionally embarrassing to normal human beings concerning their early childhood. One thing involved Mikey saying "stick it in your ear" and we're still trying to get the fill context of that incident.

Friday 19 June 1998

Strange night. To start with, we had to strip Byron of his Lordship since he was so drunk that there was no blue blood left in his body. He is now merely Sir Byron since we conferred a knighthood on him and we can not rescind that. He will be restored to Lordship status in about 30 days as soon as there is a detectable level of blood in his alcohol.

Michelle, Jennifer, Billy-Bob, and the maternal parental unit of Michelle, Jill, also came by tonight. Jill is a real hoot. She is also an inexpensive date given that it takes only two drinks before she starts tearing her clothes off and doing unspeakable things with carrots. Michelle spent most of the evening trying to keep her mom's clothes on. Billy-Bob was Billy-Bob. And Jennifer was still seriously hot; this evening she was so hot that she melted the wax in all the anti-bug candles from about 40 feet away.

Jennifer also used our bathroom tonight. Tomorrow I intend to remove the existing toilet and enshrine it. It's a good thing that she didn't brush up against all the furniture or I would be sitting on the floor with everything I own enshrined.

Tonight was the first official Rhino Record Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) since moving it to Friday at the request of many who had difficulty making it here on Thursdays. As expected, no one who requested the switch was here tonight.

Jim Report: still no Jims
Rhino Records Discography: The Isley Brothers Story - Volume 2: The T-Neck Years. (Rhine 70909) Excellent compilation of one of the greatest R&B bands to ever perform.
Owl Report: once again, the IHOS owl swooped into his tree across the street to do what owls do when they swoop.
Nikki Report: Nikki, one of the Babes in the Apartment Across the Street, is gone for three days or so as she is rehearsing for the upcoming Miss North Carolina pageant. Though she is not a contestant, she is a dancer in the production. She should be a contestant. Probably Miss IHOS.

Saturday 20 June 1998

Quiet night with Mikey, Val, Jim, and myself sitting at IHOS just enjoying the night. Then Dave and Kim, our favorite trailer trash, showed up. Kim was stunning as usual, though she had a kidney infection. I offered to join her in the bathroom just to make sure she was OK when she went to take a leak, though she insisted that such was not necessary. I insisted. She threatened to take a leak all over me if I did not get my butt out of the bathroom immediately. It's amazing how testy women get when they have kidney infections and they have to take a leak real bad.

Dave, on the other hand, did not look stunning. Indeed, he was wearing a cowboy hat trying to emulate some sort of urban cowboy. The only thing missing was the spurs. But he made an admirable attempt at being a cow rounder-upper and was loud as he usually is, though this time he was a bit tempered since we only had to tell him to shut up about a dozen times.

Once again, some hypothetical Roman candles appeared and were hypothetically fired off toward the street. Then some hypothetical smoke bombs appeared and created clouds of hypothetical smoke that hypothetically obscured the entire neighborhood and smelled like someone had set Marty's farts on fire.

The highlight of the evening was when the Subway sandwich shop in the strip mall across the street was robbed. Now, this is about the ten-thousandth time the place has been robbed. I suspect that someone has told the foreign owners that "OPEN" is actually spelled "PLEASE COME IN AND ROB ME AT GUNPOINT" It's interesting to note that nothing else in the neighborhood ever gets robbed with the exception of the other Subway sandwich shop located about a half-mile in the other direction. He must use the same sign.

Jim Report: one Jim
Garden Report: the garden is just about fleshed out now that we have purchased another round of plants to fill in the bare spots. There are a few holes to go, but we are reserving them for really exotic plants such as things that eat gophers.
Hamster Report: earlier in the day, I went over to say hello to Shallon and Sarah. They were playing with their hamster who they had put into a ball so that he could roll around the apartment. After watching him for about an hour, I have come to the conclusion that hamsters are not the brightest animals on the face of the planet.

Sunday 21 June 1998

The Summer Solstice celebrations disappointed me this year. Normally, there are enough pagans living in the area that we can be assured of at least a handful of people dancing in the yard and licking trees to make being awake during the daytime worth it. It was not to be this year. The best we could do is some freak in a long, cotton dress getting into her car presumably on her way to a celebration elsewhere. Perhaps next year.

The highlight of the evening was actually two-fold. The first was accomplished in a 10 hour marathon committed by Val, Mikey, and myself as we watched the sun set in the west then watched it rise again in the east with very little movement in between except to reset the CD changer. That's the first time in a long time that we have pulled an all-nighter without commercial purposes.

Kayt also stopped by earlier in the evening to visit -- and she was solo this time. Apparently, she was doing the father's day thing along with all the other people she lives with, though the others were not yet home. So in a fit of raging boredom, she decided to grace our presence. Given that it was the Summer Solstice, we could have opted to reflect on philosophy, religion, or some branch of astronomy even, but we opted to comment on her world-class hooters for about an hour; it was a much more stimulating subject.

We also had another visitor, Mary. Mary lives up the street with Beth, keeper of Murdock, Small Dog of Fuzzy Fur (a name bestowed by the great Indian shaman, Long Prong.) Mary is a chicken farmer. Well, technically, she is a doctoral candidate in poultry science, but chicken farmer sounds far more approachable to the layman. Mary explained to us that a chicken egg is really nothing more than a chicken uterus with a shell. So much for ever eating eggs again.

Jay and Kay also came by about the time the sun was going down to say hello. They stayed far longer than they wanted to since both had to get up the next morning, but we heard some very fine stories about Kay's twin sister and her mom. Kay comes from a frightening family.

Jim Report: no Jims
Bimbo Report: this has been a very slow year for bimbos wandering the neighborhood, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway just to let you know that we are not holding back on our readership.
Air Conditioning Report: After two days, Mikey's air conditioning is within about 12 hours of being fixed. There was a short in the wiring and he has been sans cold air since Friday afternoon. Mikey is not happy.

Monday 22 June 1998

Jaq's got da Funk. Or at least we think so. We got into an extended discussion of how one should play the bass guitar this evening with Jaq, Andy, Val, and myself. I contend that the only way to properly play the bass is to fly-thump the thing like Louis Johnson of Brothers Johnson fame. Jaq feels that a more sedate playing style is perhaps in order. I, of course, was right, and Jaq finally admitted that he could fly-thump if necessary. We will have to see about that.

For a short time we had an overlap of two different IHOS cohorts who had not yet met each other for while Jaq and Andy were here, Marty and Kat dropped in. Marty turned out to be a wimp this evening, mumbling something about being tired and having to get up for work early the next morning so they ended up leaving shortly after they arrived, but while they were here, there was some serious chemistry going on between Jaq and Kat. Not that Kat was herself participating in the erotic interaction, or that Jaq would have reacted any differently if anyone of the female persuasion had sat down next to him at the table, but it was interesting to watch Jaq sweat for awhile anyway.

Jim also came by earlier to say hello prior to consuming slabs of dead cow that were being prepared by his lovely bride-to-be, Leigh, at the site of their mobile mansion. Jim brought over some sort of explosive contraption that involved a firecracker with a string hanging out of both ends. The object of the object is to attach the strings to opposing sides of a door and the door frame so that when someone opens the door the firecracker goes off. Shortly after he laid it on the table, Val decided to take a shower, though I didn't have the heart to pull the surprise on her given that I really wanted to live to see the next morning. Call me a wimp, but I have come to value certain body parts and do not want to end up like Jaq.

Jim Report: one Jim
Shallon Report: Lookin' hot as usual, though tired this evening after having studied all night before for a test which she failed big time then working a double shift serving food to lecherous cretins. Several people offered to give her a full-body massage -- one suggested a soothing full-body tongue-ing that is so often used in the far east to calm nerves (or at least that is what was claimed). She declined all offers probably to her benefit.
Air Conditioning Report: Mikey's air conditioning is fixed. He is happy.

Tuesday 23 June 1998

Semi-closed tonight due to pressing business. Jaq stopped by anyway and we killed him for violating the IHOS rules of stopping by when the bug zapper was not on. He is getting better.

Wednesday 24 June 1998

Getting hotter all the time. Today was well over 100 degrees and it is so hot at midnight that the fish on the front lawn are oxygen starved. Contributing to their problems is the fact that there is no water anywhere near the front lawn, but that is just something they need to deal with. We are going delirious.

Thursday 25 June 1998

Hot. Amazingly hot. So hot that I slept through IHOS, but Val was able to capture the ambience of the evening and hence, her report:

While eating dinner I heard rumblings outside the door - the IHOS rat maybe? No, the three musketeers, Jaq, Jim and Andy. Since Steve was absent Jaq sat in the throne. Apparently it overwhelmed him so much that he was reduced to telling long, pointless, rambling stories a.k.a. Marty regarding the plugging of rats - don't ask. At this point Mikey had arrived and left just as soon citing the insanity of the previous conversation. Andy sat most of the night talking with himself from a parallel universe in which no one can hear him and Jim played with his toys and allegedly set off a military style smoke bomb which caused the early evening Gorman Street fog.

Jim Report: One Jim.
Rat Report: No rats, just one Jim, one Jaq and one Andy.

Friday 26 June 1998

A simply smashing parade of bimbos this evening. There was on in particular in whom we are still trying to figure out how she stands up straight; at least she does not have to worry about falling face first -- her bumpers will throw her back up-right.

And we still can't believe how hot it is. The low temperature never got out of the 80s and the humidity was so high that even the mosquitoes gave it up for the night. Jaq joined us on this fine evening for the last IHOS he will be attending for a bit. It seems that he now has a job...uh...two jobs...uh...three jobs. He went for yuppie overkill and managed to commit himself to working about 100 hours per week. In the meantime, he went out in style.

Even Jaq was amazed at the quality and number of bimbos in the neighborhood this evening. Then again, I suppose that's not saying much since Jaq would get aroused at a national meeting of encepheletic, hunchbacks who are post-menopausal. One particular bimbo who was on the brink of alcohol toxosis wandered up to the table in an effort to chat. She was puzzled at Jaq's name and particularly its spelling. She actually got a bit excited at the letter "Q' as if it represented some sort of Hunter Thompsonesque ideological position or something. Jaq's only comment was, "If you think my name's exciting, wait till you see my scrotum." As tasteless as Jaq may be when it comes to being attracted to fetally-deformed women, even Jaq has his limits and this one kinda looked like a goal-tender for a dart team. He threw her back.

Mikey dropped in for a minute complaining about the heat. He is always complaining. Why, just this afternoon some workmen stripped the paint off the kitchen cabinets in the apartment next door to Mikey using some sort of carcinogenic varnish remover that was a strong aromatic with high volatility. Then they left all the windows shut on a 100-plus degree day. About an hour after they finished, the smell got so strong in Mikey's apartment that his paint was peeling. But rather than just put on the moon suit and bear it for a while, all he did was complain. You would think that he would have been more concerned that all his floppy disk media was dissolving before he was worried about a little, bitty smell, but NOOOOOO.

Jim Report: no Jims
Rhino Record Discography: The Dionne Warwick Collection - Her All Time Greatest Hits (Rhino 71100) Includes the original of "I Say A Little Prayer" for those of you who thought that the first time it was performed was in "My Best Friend's Wedding".
Yahoo Report: given the sheer number of serious bimbos in the area tonight, it was expected that there would be a large number of yahoos wandering around. We were not disappointed. I am always amazed at how much beer people can consume and still walk without dragging their livers behind them.
Krispy Kreme Donut Run: couldn't have timed it better. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, the hot donut sign went on. The donuts were so hot that the wax varnish on the box was melting. It's a good thing Mikey wasn't with us or he would have started complaining about the strong smell of donut glaze.
Electrical Supply Report: the next step in the construction of the screened porch was completed today when Bolton Electric installed the outdoor electrical outlet. Now we can plug in the bug zapper and other tools without running an extension cord everywhichway.
Sarah Report: can't say enough about Sarah. If I didn't know any better, I would swear that she was not wearing any underwear under her mini-skirt. But we all know that Sarah is a true Southern Belle and would never do such a thing. The thought kept us going for a while, though.

Saturday 27 June 1998

Very slow and very hot. The temperature was well over 100 again for the seventh day in a row now and there is no relief in sight. People have retreated into their homes only to come out when they run out of food. Even at night, the low temperature has stayed in the low 80s with the humidity so thick that your clothes get wet when you simply sit outside.

The only noteworthy event this evening was when Nikki and Shallon arrived home from the Miss North Carolina Beauty Pageant about 2 am. They were hot in more ways than one. We discussed having a Miss IHOS for next year's pageant and Nikki said she would look into it. That would be very cool.

Mikey was very upset that Sarah did not bring her car over so that he could wash it. He will somehow survive.

Jim Report: no Jims

Sunday 28 June 1998

Have you ever jumped into very cold water and had your nard sack get sucked back into your body? Well, the opposite is happening right now. It is so hot, that I am considering going over to Lowes (the official hardware store of IHOS) and buy a wheelbarrow to haul myself around. It's so hot and humid, you can see the air.

Jim Report: Jim dehydrated and died, but he is getting better.
Garden Report: the garden is under severe stress. We are watering it two and three times a day, but the plants are still not happy.

Monday 29 June 1998

T...o...oooooooo hoooooooooooooootttttttttttttt.

Help me, mommy...

It almost rained for a bit this evening, but on second glance it was just water vapor trying to escape from the atmosphere because of the heat.

Tuesday 30 June 1998

Again, major league hot. The only thing of significance was as whole bunch of babes wandering around the Apartment of the Babes Across the Street. We went over there to check them out on an IHOS field trip, but we were rejected. Apparently, some of them felt they were too good for us. Given that Jim had not taken a shower that day, I can understand.

Jim Report: one Jim
Mikey Report: Mikey has forgotten how to sleep on any kind of diurnal rhythm and we will never again know when he will appear.

Wednesday 1 July 1998

Rain...major rain...finally. Though we could not open IHOS this evening, it does give us a day to rest up for Welfare Weekend just around the corner.

Thursday 2 July 1998

It has finally cooled back down a bit and things are back to normal -- or as normal as they will ever get around here. Jay and Jason and Missy dropped in for a bit. Jay you know of Jay and Kay fame, Kay not being in attendance this evening because she is a wimp. Jason is a friend of Jay and Missy is a seriously hot babe from somewhere in eastern North Carolina where they just barely have running water and indoor plumbing. Jason goes to the University of Florida and is up here doing a coop this summer at Nortel, but we won't hold that against him. Not the Nortel thing, but the second rate SEC school he attends -- Roll, Tide, Roll.

It may be months before we forgive Jay, however. And we are not particularly upset that he brought over someone from a second rate SEC school. Nor are we particularly bothered that he brought over someone in Missy, a hot babe who would not take her clothes off and parade around juggling aardvarks for our pure entertainment. No, we are upset with Jay because he just had to rub it in that he was in New York last weekend and got to attend the Mets-Yankees baseball game at Shea Stadium. We hate him.

They bugged out fairly early because Missy had to get back home on Saturday and was getting very nervous anyway at Mikey drooling over her. While they were still here, though, Andy dropped in for a second on his way to an axe murder. If you remember Andy, he completely disappeared off the face of the planet last year. Well, it turns out that he has been sequestered over at NC State playing the role of Resident Advisor or some such thing that has him controlling the lives of dozens of nubile females. As far as we know, none of them got pregnant.

then Jaq and Andy (the other Andy) dropped in for the late shift. Nothing much to report there except that they were both a bit crestfallen since they had specifically gone to Krispy Kreme and purchased some raspberry filled donuts in the hopes that Kat would be here to suck out the filling. They have not yet seen that, though it was probably a good thing since Jaq is still recovering from nard surgery and we wouldn't want him to hurt himself again.

Jim Report: no Jims
Welfare Weekend Report: the 1998 holiday Welfare Weekend officially begins at 5 pm Friday afternoon. For those who don't know, Welfare Weekend is when all the scum of the Earth get their government checks and blow it on alcohol and drugs in the first 20 minutes. That is always the first weekend of each month, but the one in July is special because is also coincides with the Fourth holiday. So not only do they get ripped and start killing each other, but they also go in for self-immolation while using fireworks. Given the heat and the general irritability of everyone to begin with, this ought to be the best and most violent year yet.
Beeblebird Report: the beeblebird is back.

Friday 3 July 1998

Road trip. Went to Charlotte to engage in sparing with the in-laws. They are no match for our razor-sharp wit.

Saturday 4 July 1998

Amazing sorrow and disappointment. Welfare Weekend was a complete washout. No Rhino Records night either (which we moved to Saturday this week because of our Charlotte Road Trip.) Even the fireworks in the area were washed out except those in Cary which went on as scheduled because their town rulers are complete idiots.

Sunday 5 July 1998

Back to normal again. Jay and Kay and Jason stopped over to celebrate the Fourth in our own IHOS style. Jay was very excited that he had brought some fireworks to shoot off in the front yard. We were a bit less enthused. Not that fireworks in general aren't a hoot, but it had to do with what Jay brought. He had two thingies. One was a shower-type firework that sat on the front lawn and sprayed flaming particles into the air to the height of about three feet. That was cool. It was the other one. Someone apparently sold Jay a road flare wrapped in festive paper. At least that is all it did -- just sat there and looked like a road flare. Actually, it didn't even just sit there; the thing was so benign that Jay held it in his hand the whole time just like one might hold a road flare when directing traffic or perhaps like one would hold a road flare just before pouring gas over ones self and igniting it out of utter humility. It really was pathetic, but we forgive Jay for building us up since the little shower thingie was cool.

Mikey was with us also and almost hurt himself. Not on the fireworks, uh road flare, but from intense cutie field failure. You see, Sarah and Shallon dropped in for a bit to say hello. Mikey has a hard time dealing with Sarah and Shallon; his neurons tend not to fire properly in their presence and he drools a lot when they are near. We got Shallon to show her tattoo to Jason who was very impressed, though admittedly after the pathetic road flare someone might have been impressed by a dog scratching himself behind the ear. Now that is not meant to be disparaging against Shallon -- hardly. She still has one of the finest butts in the universe, but it's only to say that we were so let down by the road flare that we could have watched an asteroid slam into the ocean and not gotten really excited.

Not even when Chad came down for a bit did we get particularly excited even though he actually made sense for the first time in years.

Jim Report: no Jims
Nikki Report: Nikki is gone for a month or so to tend to her family farm. Ever since the passage of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, the kids have had to actually put in some work from time to time.
Greg Report: Greg has grown again. He is now 7 foot, 3 inches and weighs 520 pounds. When we saw him, he was moving a pine tree. Not that he actually intended to move the tree, but he was leaning on it when it gave way. Of course, he would not have been leaning on the tree to begin with had he not been having such a difficult time recovering from the Jimmy Buffet concert the night before.
Missy Report: we are saddened to report that Missy did not put out with Jason the other night. Such is life.
Bug Zapper Report: WOW. The Japanese beetles are out in force and the bug zapper is going berserk. I happen to like the smell of Japanese beetles getting fried, though some others are particularly offended by the odor. Actually, everyone else is offended by the odor. Then again, I really like the smell of fresh skunk.
And Now For Something Very Cool Report: Andy sent us this photo taken from outer space of IHOS. We are impressed. It was a good thing that we had recovered from the unbelievable letdown of the road flare earlier or perhaps we would not have been able to get as excited as we did.

Monday 6 July 1998

Jason dropped in for a moment to meet with Mikey who was sound asleep. Jason, being a busy man, left to attend to more important things like trimming his toenails. Jim also came by covered with grease. We presume that Jim being covered with grease and Jason needing to trim his toenails are completely unassociated.

Jim Report: one Jim
Police Scanner Report: much activity on the scanner tonight. There were high-speed chases, shootings, and an assortment of armed robberies. 143 also stopped by to say hello earlier in the evening before the welfare crowd decided to start killing each other.

Tuesday 7 July 1998

Nice relaxing evening with just Val and I sitting out at the the table enjoying the night air. All bugs are completely dead. Do not come over if you anticipate having children in the near future.

Wednesday 8 July 1998

IHOS will be closed this evening in memory of Mystery, my best friend and cat of 17 years. She was the nicest and kindest cat ever and I will miss her a lot. She passed away during the night after having been ill for some time. Now she is happy chasing butterflies and mice.

Thursday 9 July 1998

Jay, Kay, Chad, Mikey, and myself just hanging out taking in the heat. Nothing really to report. The bug zapper is working well. The slugs are dead. The plants are happy.

Just hot...

Jim Report: no Jims
Shallon Report: Whoops. It seems that for two years now we have been misspelling Shallon's name. It is actually Shalon -- with one "L". Unfortunately, it is too late to do anything about it and we will continue to spell it with two "l"s. In the meantime, Shallon is still looking magnificent especially when she is washing her car while wearing shorts. Mikey was happy.

Friday 10 July 1998

Hot night on the police scanner. There were a number of armed robberies, shootings, muggings, and other assorted felonies committed by our more evil denizens around Raleigh this evening. One particular instance stood out, though. It seems that a few people got into a fight and one of them pulled a gun on another. A shot was fired and ended up grazing the leg of the one being shot at. From the police reports, it was barely a scratch and did not even bleed (at least not anymore than a wound caused by a holly bush,) but the guy apparently went absolutely nuts about being shot. Some of the things that the police were stating were a real hoot. Things like, "Put a bandaid on the guy and bring him to the crime scene." Followed by, "I think a bandaid is overkill in the situation."

Jay dropped in for a bit without Kay. And he, like any good husband, immediately started making excuses, uh...apologies for why Kay wasn't here. The following is an accurate reconstruction of the events which took place at Jay's arrival...

Jay: "Hi. Kay's not here because she has a bad case of PMS."
Steve: "Oh, you mean she is ill?"
Jay: "No, she has raging PMS."
Val: "Perhaps you mean to say that she has a cold."
Jay: "I meant what I said -- the wench is retaining water like a large sponge."
Steve: "That is not a very nice thing to say about the woman you married."
Jay: "Nice or not -- it is the absolute truth. Just a few minutes ago her eyes rolled back in her head and she started making some guttural clucking noise. Then she wanted me to set her up with a Midol IV. She's a raging maniac this month."

At least that's how I remember the events.

Shortly thereafter, Jason and Andy and Chad and Mikey stopped in and there ensued a discussion of the merits of various data transmission schemes. My heart was all aflutter; I went inside to do something more fun like slitting my throat on a can opener.

Shallon finally got home from work after working the closing shift at here job as a serving wench. Even after working all night long, she still looked like a major league babe. And once again, Mikey's timing was perfect. He had gone inside just moments before she drove up. It's probably just as well since he was tired and I don't think he would have survived the cutie field failure.

Linda, the Chaste by Gophers, arrived back this evening with Dirk, keeper of Linda, the Chaste by Gophers, in tow. Their car was loaded down with stuff causing most everyone at the table to suddenly develop back problems. We let Mikey deal with it since he really did pull a back muscle and needs to work it out.

Jim Report: no Jims
Rhino Record Report: Rhino Records Night has been postponed until Saturday this week because I forgot it was Friday until it was too late to play any CDs. Anyway, we were listening to the police scanner again for most of the evening.
Gross Pigs in Heat Report: Mikey and I decided to cook up some crab legs for dinner. We were so disgusting that we had to hose down the table and sidewalk after we finished scarfing.

Saturday 11 July 1998

We've got a bit of a lull so I may as well take care of this now...

Part One:

Val and I went out to the flea market, Best Buy, and a few used CD places. We were going to go to a movie, but we decided to come home first and deposit our booty. Little did we know that Chad, Kim, and Dave would have deposited themselves in our absence at the table. Kim and Dave had also been wandering around the flea market, but we did not run into them which is somewhat fortunate for Dave since then I would have had to humiliate him in public. As it was, it turned out to be a private humiliation for which Dave is happy.

Kim and Dave brought me a Baloo bear stuffed animal which pleased me greatly. We sang a rousing chorus of Bear Necessities and wished Chad a happy birthday as well since it was his birthday. He is not getting my Baloo bear, though.

Nothing much else of any significance happened except that Kim is pregnant. Well, actually we are not sure, but I have seen enough pregnant women in my time to suspect that Kim is pregnant.If Kim should not be pregnant then I apologize for this interruption. If she is then we truly hope it is a girl since a baby Dave is beyond the scope of what the human brain can possibly stand; we are only designed to handle so much fear and terror before we lose our minds.

Anyway, they all left and I horked some shrimp. A whole bunch of shrimp. I ate a shrimp boat. I ate so much shrimp that Forrest Gump was seen wandering around our front yard. Or that could have just been some yahoo or home cracker at Steve's party up the street. By the way, in the event I have not yet defined home cracker -- that is one who is extremely white, and I'm talking pasty white...lily white that they blend in with a bag of rice...who really wants to be a homeboy. They are characterized by an overwhelming need to ride around in their cars playing Gangsta Rap at full blast, not knowing just how inane they look. Or should I say sound; they look inane when they get out of their cars wearing pants pulled down to their knees, several pounds of fake gold chains, platform sneakers, and Oakland Raiders jackets in the middle of summer. And they talk like James Brown...on crack.

Then Val and I retired to the living room to watch Sinbad's Summer Funk Jam. We may or may not resume IHOS this evening.

Part Two:

The Sinbad Jam was great this year with Earth, Wind, and Fire stealing the show as usual. Once that ended, we went back out to the table and brought the police scanner with us. There were many personal atrocities happening in the burbs this evening. Stabbings, armed robberies, but unfortunately no high-speed chases where the police officers stop the car with a hail of bullets from automatic weapons. Can't win 'em all. We had our own little piece of moron-roving in our neighborhood as well.

Steve, the guy that lives up the cul-de-sac, threw another one of his famous parties. Now, Steve is a nice guy, but for some reason many of the people who attend his galas are brain-damaged cretins with no sense of morals. Several of them -- drunk as expected when they arrived -- decided to walk OVER the cars to get to the party. Not through the parking lot or around the cars, but over the cars. As in starting at the trunk, strolling over the roof, down the hood, and back on to the ground till they reached the next car. It's times like that I wished I lived in Texas where one can use deadly force to protect ones property. If so, all of them would have needed to get their next of kin to identify the bodies. And even though that method of property protection is illegal here, the temptation was almost overwhelming. For future situations like that, I think I am just gonna get some rubber bullets.

Blood Moon Report: It was a blood moon this evening so we presume that Jenny is eating meat.
Jim Report: no Jims. Apparently he is too busy preparing for D-Day which arrives on July 25th.
Slug Report: no slugs
Bimbo Report: many bimbos wandering the neighborhood most of whom seemed to be suffering from contagious diseases. There were a lot of tall, skinny blondes this evening when led me to believe that somewhere there was a tall, skinny blonde convention going on.
Black Bug Report: the number of black bugs are increasing nightly now and the black bug boning festival is getting closer at hand. We wait with rapt anticipation.

Sunday 12 July 1998

Closed due to sleeping. Hey, we cooked up a four-pound brisket with little potatoes and carrots, ate the whole thing, and proceeded to pass out. So sue us...

Monday 13 July 1998 That's about how much is happening around here. Val and I spent about two hours watching a piece of paper blow around the front yard in a two MPH, variable wind.

Tuesday 14 July 1998

Well, a bit more action tonight. Jaq and Andy dropped in for a bit, though they could not stay too long. Jaq had been awake for about 80 hours over the past four days and he spent a great deal of time mumbling. Actually, he was a raving lunatic, rambling on about something or other concerning mounting TVs all over ones house. We decided he needed some significant amounts of sleep and sent him on his way.

Chad also dropped in several times to make announcements, er...proclamations, concerning his latest adventures in NT land. The sequence of events occurs something like this each time he comes down:

Chad wanders up to the table.
Chad sits down already rambling.
Chad talks for about 10 minutes straight using strings of acronyms that no one understands.
Chad exhausts himself, gets up, and goes home.

The cycle repeats about every hour or so.

Jim Report: no Jims. We can only presume that he is busy with wedding plans.
Bimbo Report: no bimbos and we are growing concerned.
Spider Report: one very large spider was spotted earlier in the day. Well, spotted is not a strong enough word. This 40 pound spider brandishing guns ran across my hand. I sprayed it with spider spray which had no direct effect. The thing finally died when it apparently drowned in the spider spray. Val had to use a rake to remove it from the porch and throw it into the woods; I would have done it myself, but I was frozen in fear. I still have the willies.

Wednesday 15 July 1998

We had two visitors this evening -- Anthony and Lay-Varr. Anthony owns the Camaro that was walked over last weekend and Lay-Varr is his friend who lives up the cul-de-sac from us, though we had not yet met him. We found out two things about them. First, Lay-Varr enjoys listening to the police radio as much as we do and will be a fine addition to the IHOS contingent. And second...don't even get in the car with Anthony if you intend to live any significant length of time. He is a complete maniac when behind the wheel of a car.

Air Report: we determined that there is more water vapor than nitrogen in the air tonight. It is one of those nights when you can sit still and get wet.
Jim Report: still no Jim
Sarah Report: Sarah was seen leaving her apartment at about 2 AM. She returned shortly thereafter with two very intoxicated babes in tow. Sarah was not looking very happy. Apparently she had been chosen after the fact to be the designated driver and presumably was not told of that fact until shortly before 2 AM.

Thursday 16 July 1998

We thought tonight would be a complete washout, but it cleared up shortly after midnight. We dried off the table, cooked up some crab legs and steak, and feasted until we exploded on the front lawn. Val, Linda, and I are very sated while Mikey only nibbled because he is a food wimp.

And Scruffles made an interesting noise this evening. Now, Scruffles is a cat, but she made this noise that sounded exactly like a duck. We still can not figure out how that sound came out of her even though we tried to reproduce it by squeezing her gently. That produced another noise that we have heard and it was accompanied by the baring of claws and teeth as usual. It may not be a good idea to squeeze cats.

Mouse Report: We saw what perhaps was the world's smallest mouse in the garden this evening. It was so tiny that it was able to squeeze itself in a space about 3-8th of an inch wide in between a board and the brick wall. When squeezed, a mouse does not make a noise like a duck either.
Rabbit Report: we also saw the IHOS rabbit again tonight. It is getting larger and apparently has not been carried off by the IHOS owl as dinner since then we would not have seen the IHOS rabbit tonight.
Bimbo Report: two unassociated bimbos were spotted this evening. Unfortunately, we had not yet put the new batteries in the flashlight so we were not prepared to entice them to IHOS by shining the light on them.

Friday 17 July 1998

Nice, hot night in the IHOS-hood. Very slow as well probably because most of humanity has collapsed from heat stroke. I can't remember when the dew point was above 80 degrees.

Very late in the evening after it had cooled down a bit, Anthony and Leslie, aka Legs, dropped in for a bit. Leslie, aka Legs, is just what her name implies. She is about 5 foot 10 inches and her legs take up about 5 foot, 3 inches of that, or so it seems. Very hot blonde as well. Many regular denizens of IHOS will be sorely hurt that they missed the IHOS inauguration of Legs this evening. Then again, there would have been massive cutie field failure so it's best that Legs be introduced slowly.

We also met Rhianna on an IHOS field trip up to Lay-Varr's apartment. She is a feisty little thing who can belch with the best of them. Unfortunately, she claims to have little, if any, ability to fart on command so she is not in the same league with Leslie from across the street, roommate of Heather and Not Heather who are both still looking seriously fine.

Jim Report: no Jims
Tiki Torch Report: filled and ready to go
Rhino Record Discography: after an absence of several weeks due to rain and stupidity, we have resumed Rhino Records Night (where they collect records to you don't have to.) This evenings offering was The Very Best of Jackie Wilson (Rhino 71559) which we may have already run earlier in the year, but is good enough for a repeat. Keeping up with Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) would probably be far, far easier if we had the full collection of the Didn't It Blow Your Mind series (except volume 1 and two which we have) and the Hot R&B Hits series (of which we have none) ...hint...hint...hint. We won't even bring up the issue that we have yet to see our Rhino Records banner that we intend to hang over the IHOS table on Saturday nights ...hint...hint...hint...

Saturday 18 July 1998

PJ made a rare appearance, leaving his home in Charlotte to venture out into the world. As usual, he said very little. We are beginning to think that he is not capable of speech in which event we will be forced to construct him some kind of computer interface with which to communicate. Dave also came by without Kim who is on a pilgrimage to the holy shrine of DollyLand with several of her friends. We hope she brings back some samples.

By the way, Kim is not pregnant as we predicted last week. Actually, I should clarify that somewhat. You see, as a result of our keen sense of observation and ability to discern medical conditions at a glance, we were not convinced that Kim was actually pregnant to begin with. It was she who insisted that she was pregnant all the time regardless of what anyone else may tell you that we allegedly stated. Anyway, her doctor confirmed that she is without child at the present moment which pleased Dave to no end...not because he was not about to become a daddy, but because during the examination the doctor recovered a class ring, two shot glasses, and some perfectly good building materials that had been missing for some time. At one point the doc thought he had found an old '57 T-Bird that Dave thought was stolen, but it turned out to be just an old Gremlin that no one wanted to claim.

And we found out where Jim has been. Jim has been sequestered for some time now in a mutual trade off between Leigh, soon to be keeper of Jim, and Jim's need to go out and do stupid things during the final days of his bachelorhood. Yet, having been penned up for some time now has taken its toll given the stories told of his bachelor party held yesterday at the beach. I never realized that a human body could bend that way.

Legs Report: it must be strange being in that weird world when you are 18 to 20 years old. You are a tad too young to drink excessively and a tad too old to pick-up 15 year old, horny boy scouts. Nonetheless, that does not seem to stop some people from performing both, such as things are.
Another Friend of Rhianna Report: we also met Cherry tonight as she was walking from Lay-Varr's apartment to her car, though she did not stop in. Another hot babe. We are beginning to wonder if the town of Garner has been undertaking some sort of genetic experiments in order to produce hot babes.

Sunday and Monday 19-20 July 1998

I waited too long to make the report for these two nights and now I can't remember what happened. couldn't have been too much, though.

Tuesday 21 July 1998

Fairly busy night what with all the shootings and such, but first...roll call...

Jay and Kay stopped in. No wait, Kay was not here since she was not feeling well. Probably a head cold or something. Anyway, Jay took the opportunity of Kay's absence to talk about his desire to attend to the every needs of exotic dancers and a contingent of hookers. The things he described that he wanted to do are obviously not repeatable here since we try and run a clean ship, but let it suffice to say that we were at least relieved when he claimed to want to remain within his own species.

Jason was also here and he has yet to utter a single noise. I am becoming convinced that his vocal cords are in some way damaged or perhaps he has just never learned to speak. We were thinking about testing out the competing theories via the application of torture, but decided that any results may not be conclusive. Mere grunting and screaming on his part while in pain would not be positively indicative that he could actually speak words and the intensity of said pain might result in such a response even given his ability to utter words. We will continue to come up with other ideas.

Jim and Andy also stopped in. We are down to four days until Jim gets married. and we are pleased to report that he has successfully recovered from his bachelor party. That is a very good sign since a quick recovery such as that indicates that he will be able to withstand decades of PMS, a problem that Kay is apparently not suffering from at this time, she being just mildly ill. Jim was also farting. A lot. And loudly. He always makes us proud whenever he stops by.

Then there was the family affair. Mikey, Dirk, keeper of Linda, and Linda, the chaste by gophers dropped in for a while before having to take leave in order to perform zen meditation and eat boiled roots. We have decided that for their anniversary, we are going to get them a bag of dirt from Sri Lanka that they can use to whip things up and consume them appropriately.

Now, the shooting...

About 2 AM, I was sitting at IHOS when I heard four shots ring out from down the street. Then a car drove by very fast as if they were leaving the scene of a shooting. That was followed by many police cars racing into the neighborhood as if they were responding to a shooting. Shortly thereafter, an ambulance came screaming in as if they were responding to the scene of a shooting. I concluded that someone was perhaps shot. So what was I to do?

The only appropriate thing, of course. I grabbed my police scanner and walked to the site of the shooting. It seems that several individuals riding in a car looking for drugs came upon someone who was in the habit of selling same. Something went wrong and those who were attempting to purchase got aggravated and decided to take matters into their own hands rather than file a civil action in a court of law. Unfortunately for the neighborhood and one particular individual, the intended victim was missed by the flying rounds and a (supposed) innocent bystander was struck in the ankle instead. That had to hurt.

It is unfortunate that events like that happen the way they do. What should have transpired is that the occupants of the car should have slaughtered every individual involved in the drug trade and then, in the process of speeding away from the shooting, crashed into a tree causing injuries involving decapitation and the spilling of intestines. Better yet, the crash should have occurred such that another drug dealer was pinned between the car and a telephone pole, ripping his legs from his torso and splattering his brains all over the adjacent yard. Or even better...since all the drug activity and crime in our entire extended neighborhood occurs in the confines of one, small public housing project that the city leaders deemed was necessary to erect in the middle of that extended neighborhood, what should have happened is that the car should have rammed a natural gas pipeline that feeds the complex. exploded, and sent fire raining down over every building and all its occupants. The resulting death toll of near 300 would have neatly taken care of all the problems completely AND removed the blight of the run-down rat-hole in which our city leaders and the living scum they put there have made. Such that we should get so lucky...?

As to the condition of the person who was shot...who cares?

Jim Report: one Jim
Legs and Rhianna Report: the Regal Babes Team showed up at Lay-Varr's apartment again this evening and promptly trounced the occupants in spades. It was truly humiliating to watch the aftermath of gloating and celebration.
Slug Report: still no slugs, nor any other visible forms of life within 200 feet of where I sit. I am happy.
Drink Machine Report: our drink machine arrives this Friday and we all wait in rapt anticipation.
Bird Gang Report: there have been many sightings of aerial bird gangs on their way to their respective staging areas for several days now. We are not sure if we are witnessing an impending mass bird gang war or there is about to be a frenzy of bird bonings going on.

Wednesday 22 July 1998

I don't remember what happened tonight, but I am going to get up with Val so she can remind me. I'll fill in the details when they become clearer.

Thursday 23 July 1998

Busy night at IHOS, though not all at the same time. Throughout the evening, only Val and I were consistent. Everyone else dropped in one at a time, stayed for a bit, then left. Only when they had gone did the next person drop in. In all we had Mikey, Shallon, Chad, Steve, and Sarah through the course of the evening. Sarah had just better hope that her parents never come nosing around asking personal questions about her.

Shallon rode in about 3 am on her way back from a concert in Virginia. Even at 3 am and after sweating all night long and after a long ride home in which she looked like she had taken on an entire football team single-handedly, she still looked hot. Unfortunately, she was too tired to show us her tattoo again. Either that or she has finally caught on that we are just using that as an excuse to look at her ass.

Rat Report: one IHOS rat
Jim Report: no Jims and only two days till D-Day

Friday 24 July 1998

We are not having much success with Rhino Records night (where they collect records so you don't have to) lately given that it is raining almost every Friday evening, but we shall keep trying. Though IHOS was officially closed due to rain, we did open up a special indoor session of IHOS especially for Jim who dropped in. This is his last night of freedom; he is getting married tomorrow. So we consoled him and offered to obtain him a hooker or two as a going away present. He declined. Well, we tried to make his last night on Earth enjoyable.

Jim Report: one Jim
Fire Report: imagine the temperature is in the low 80s and the relative humidity is 100 percent. Then add to that absolutely no significant wind. Finally, toss into the mix a controlled burn of a whole bunch of land just down the road being cleared for some sort of commercial development. It reminded me a bit of Los Angeles.
Rabbit Report: there is a new baby rabbit hanging in the garden eating one particular plant. Now, that plant happens to be my favorite plant so obviously the rabbit must die. At this point, I'm thinking flamethrower, but I'm open to suggestions.

Saturday 25 July 1998

Today was the day that will stand in infamy. Jim got married.

The wedding went off without a hitch -- or rather with a hitch, but without any problems. Well, there was one little incident. The minister asked Jim (now keeper of Leigh) to "place the finger on the ring" and there was some momentary confusion as Jim tried to figure out the logistics of that request. He caught the gist of it, though, and managed to place the ring on the finger without the use of a bone saw or other such implement.

Jaq was charged with running the music at the reception, but Jaq has a bit of a problem; unless he has a bass guitar in his hands while in front of a crowd, he freezes up. So I took over the music and the mike. I was a good boy despite the look of fear on the faces of those who knew me. Perhaps the only thing that I should not have done was to play Macho Man in honor of Jim. Not that it had anything at all to do with the fact that he is now a married man, but because he went a bit insane on the dance floor and will probably require orthopedic surgery to reset all of his opposable joints.

The food at the reception was also excellent. We had real roast beef, a ton of meatballs (along with mega-finger food) and something that I initially thought was a tumor, but turned out to be an oven roasted turkey. The only problem was that all the meat was intended to be sliced very thin in order to make little sandwiches with the mounds of rolls available. I did not know that. So I asked the chef if he would cut me off a slice of roast beef that was obscenely large which he did. I put it on my plate then went in search of a knife. There were no knives. I was reduced to savagery, hunkering down behind the sound board while grabbing a large slab of meat in both hands and ripping it apart with my teeth. The only thing missing was growling noises.

Much of the regular IHOS crowd was in attendance so, of course, we had to play "Flashlight" at one point in the evening. That made it an official IHOS gathering so now all members of Jim's and Leigh's family are no longer IHOS virgins. We ended up meeting so many people that there is no way I can remember everyone's name. Let it suffice to say that Andy's girlfriend has nice hooters and Rob's wife (Rob being another member of the band 9Lbs who Jaq plays for) reminded me of someone who could tear a mere mortal human male to pieces in the bedroom (or car or kitchen or living room or airplane bathroom....)

Upon adjourning, we took the gathering back to the real IHOS for the rest of the evening. Dave and Kim, keeper of Dave, along with PJ got there first. Kim was still wearing her dress and refused to get changed into something more comfortable. Just because she did not bring anything more comfortable and would have had to sit there naked is no excuse. Dave eventually loosened his tie over his strong objections since he felt somewhat authorative being dressed up and doesn't often get a chance to feel that way; he wanted to take full advantage of the circumstances, not knowing when they would come along again. PJ actually completed several full sentences that were in context with the balance of the conversation. We are proud of him; apparently the medication is working.

Then Jaq and Andy dropped in. Andy did not bring his primary squeeze since she was apparently not feeling well. She decided to stay home and take a nap. All suggestions for a subsequent IHOS field trip to Andy's place in order to correct that situation were quelled.

Jim and Leigh did not come by. You would think that on the biggest day so far of Jim's life that he would want to come over and share it with friends, but noooooo. I guess he had more important things to do. We will have a talk with him concerning priorities when he returns from his honeymoon in New Orleans.

Jim Report: one Jim now with official appendage
Bimbo Report: many bimbos and that was while we were still at the reception.
Platymoth Report: several sightings of platymoths hovering around the streetlights

Sunday 26 July 1998 and Monday 27 July 1998

So boring that we didn't really even open IHOS.

Tuesday 28 July 1998

I presumed that it was going to be another quiet evening, but things were to change rapidly. It seems that Lay-Varr invited five or six people over to his place for an intimate get-together. Unfortunately for him, each of those people took it upon themselves to invite a couple of more people who invited a couple of more people. Then four guys from Vermont who no one even knew crashed the party and the evening was on.

About midnight or so, it seems that some people got disgusted at all the other people packed into Lay-Varr's apartment, so a bunch of them migrated down to IHOS. Then some other folks found out that something was going on down here, so more people came by. Eventually, we ended up with more people here than Lay-Varr had at his place -- including the three people who actually live in the apartment. It took them a bit to realize it, but someone mentioned whether anyone who actually live up there was actually watching the apartment which was now crawling with a bunch of people that no one actually knew. I've rarely seen three people bolt that quickly and at the exact same time. It turns out that the stereo, TV, and furniture was still in place, but the refrigerator had been wiped out.

All in all, the people who attended IHOS at some point that evening were:

Rhianna who is still looking extremely fine
Cherry of whom I now what she looks like from the front
Anthony with whom you should never let him drive
Erin who screams when you sneak up behind her
Lay-Varr the Kingpin of the whole lot
Maria and Shawn who are deeply involved in boning sessions on a regular basis
Michelle who has perky, little hooters
Amanda and Andrew who are also doing the bone
Jeremy who didn't say much because he was slipping into an alcoholic coma
Jake who is just a dork
Brian who no one really liked
Russ the programmer
Will the Thrill
and a dozen or so other yahoos, bimbos, and skags

Noticeably absent was Legs who somehow managed to piss off everyone at Lay-Varr's place including those who no one even knew.

One other thing of minor note...Andrew drank a glass of piss. It seems that a couple of his fraternity brothers decided to fill up a cup with piss and offer it to him as just another beer, though a somewhat warm one. Andrew, being as drunk as he was, gladly accepted yet another round of adult beverage and shot-gunned it down, noting the strange taste, but attributing it to the fact that his "beer" was a bit on the warm side and somewhat flat.

Aren't fraternities wonderful?

Jim Report: Jim is on his honeymoon and unfortunately we do not know how to reach him in the event we decide to disturb him at the most inopportune times. He probably planned it that way
Rabbit Report: We have had many sightings of the IHOS rabbit, but he is way, too quick for us to catch. We may have to bring out the flamethrowers yet.
Officer 143 Report: 143 stopped in to say hello for a minute
Steak Report: we are eternally greatful to Matt for his sacrifice of four rib-eye steaks

Wednesday 29 July and Thursday 30 July 1998

Hammering rains made a bit of a mess of IHOS. We were going to have a mud ball fight, but we couldn't find enough idiots who would come out and play in a severe thunderstorm. What a bunch of wimps.

Friday 31 July 1998

Exceptionally slow night for a weekend. No one was in town so Val and I just sat outside and listened to the police scanner. Even that was slow. Things were still moist, but at least the next brood of mosquitoes have not hatched yet.

Saturday 1 August 1998

The Night of the Stampede

WOW. I have never seen that many people at a single party in ages.

Steve, who lives up the cul-de-sac, is moving out on Monday morning. At least that is when he has to turn is his keys. In the meantime, he has completely cleared all the furniture out of his apartment, leaving nothing but bare walls. Then he moved in four kegs of beer to throw a moving out party. Now, that is nothing really unusual, except Steve put up 500 flyers all over town. By 10 pm, there were about 100 people. Then they really started coming in.

At one point, a critical point at that, there were about 700 drunks packing his apartment and spilling out into a great portion of the parking lot. Many of them were very much underage. Many of those who were underage were nubile women. We were happy.

Then the police showed up.

It started with one car and one officer. He gets out of the cruiser and yells for the crowd to disperse and go home. That was really effective. Then the other four police cars pulled up. Out stepped what looked like a mobile Special Forces detachment. One of the officers had no neck. Two others were shaped like triangles with heads. And another reminded me of a full-sized, upright freezer. People started moving. Quickly.

At that point, we were sitting at IHOS which was just slightly out of view from the main bulk of the party. All of a sudden, hundreds of people came running by us on our left from the parking lot and on our right from behind the building itself. And they kept coming. Waves of drunken adolescents, stumbling over each other in an effort to not get a ticket for underage drinking were running everywhere. And we apparently only saw half the stampede; the other half took off in the opposite direction away from us. So what did they then do? Did they get in their cars and go home? Hardly. They moved in large groups into the street -- in full view of the police officers -- apparently thinking that if they were not directly associated with the party at the top of the cul-de-sac that the officers would not notice them. It is difficult to overlook two hundred drunks whooping it up while blocking an entire street not 50 yards from the site of multiple kegs and not make a connection between the two.

Kids today are not bright.

It took about 15 minutes for the officers to round them all up and move 'em out. But the fun still continued. For the next three hours of so, hundreds of cars came cruising into the neighborhood looking for the party. By this time, the congregation at Lay-Varr's apartment had pretty much moved down to IHOS so folks thought that we were the party. And we were -- for the nubile, young women. All the guys we told that the party had been broken up by the police and they left. In the meantime, we trolled some hot babes, one of whom was so magnificent that even Chad suffered cutie field failure.

In other happenings, Legs came by to relate he tale of drunken debauchery over the past several days. We were amazed that not only could a human being drink that much and still live, but that a female could engage in that much boning and still walk. Legs made us proud to know her. The guys from Vermont are leaving in the morning so they stopped in to day goodbye. They are welcome back anytime they return to Raleigh. Anthony still can not drive worth a hoot. And Rhianna still needs implants.

Things We Wish We Had Thought of Earlier Report: If only we had known that hundreds of people would have been running behind the buildings in the pitch dark while drunk, we could have strung up some wire about ankle level and had some fun. We really need to think ahead next time.
Bimbo Report: countless bimbos, many of whom stopped in to IHOS while transversing their way from the street to the party. 16 to 18 year-olds did not look like that when I was growing up.
Rabbit Report: the IHOS rabbit was spotted again today, getting bigger and apparently setting its sights on larger vegetation. I think it's time to haul out the howitzer.

Sunday 2 August 1998

Jim returned from his honeymoon today and Leigh let him come over for a couple of hours. He related the things that they did and saw while in New Orleans (though there was no need to relate what he saw on his actual wedding night -- yes Leigh, we really liked the neckline on that wedding gown.) Jim was a bit disappointed that he was unable to catch any vermin such as alligators or armadillos to bring back to IHOS, but we forgave him since Jim himself fit the criteria and he did return safely.

Monday 3 August 1998

It got cold. Real cold. Like upper 50s cold. Val and I tried to get IHOS going for a bit, but ended up with goosebumps and decided to abandon the idea until it warms up again tomorrow night.

Lawn Report: given the rain followed by sunny, pleasant weather, the lawn now looks like the Amazon River valley. There are probably things -- large things -- living in it. We are glad that tomorrow is mowing day.

Tuesday 4 August 1998

Somewhat slow night with myself, Val, and Andy in attendance. The bug zapper was even in a lull. I think people are having problems recovering from the weekend. Jim (not THE Jim,) Chad, and Travis dropped in for a bit, but even then it was a bit slow.

Wednesday 5 August 1998

Very confusing. That's all there is to it.

Lay-Varr and Jason threw a going away party for one of their friends who will be leaving Sunday for parts unknown. Now, many of the people in attendance were members of one particular fraternity, which shall remain nameless due to the implications of felony charges pending against many of the brothers. I wandered up there early in the evening to say hey and found two amazing things. One, they had vacuumed their apartment in anticipation of the gathering -- a bit inconsistent with respect to normal lifestyles previously exhibited and somewhat futile considering an impending fraternity party. And two, Lay-Varr had managed to collect a considerable amount of fuzz-like substance on his jawline, extending to his ears. He claims it was a beard; I think that it was a deposition of mold that had been kicked up from the vacuuming. Anyway, I left, allowing them to continue to make plans for later that evening.

Returning to IHOS, I made my way to the bathroom for a brief respite. Nothing happened of any significance, so I went back outside. I found Greck and Jason at the table, settled in for an evening of weirdness. About five minutes later, pressure started building again, so back to the bathroom. Upon returning, Chad had come down, so I found myself sitting there listening to the ravings of three people discussing the relative merits of various Disney movies. I went to the bathroom again, this time more as an escape measure. Upon returning, things got even worse as Marty had showed up. I went to the bathroom again. When I got back, Paul and Sarah had arrived and things were going downhill rapidly. I then discovered an amazing fact. Apparently, every time I went to the bathroom and flushed, other people showed up at IHOS. So now I have a decision to make. Do I only use the bathroom when IHOS is not in session, possibly using a series of corks if things start to get out of hand? Or do I just relax to the inevitable, said relaxation occurring only in a proper facility for such things so as not to soil my chair? I will think on this for a while...

Once the IHOS regulars had departed, I though it would quiet down into a relaxing evening when the fraternity party started migrating down to IHOS. Lay-Varr, Cherry, Erin, Jeff, two guys with drool across the front of their shirts, and other people too numerous to mention stopped in from time to time telling stories of raw debauchery. Several things emerged from those conversations. One, Erin apparently does not realize that what she did will cause extreme itching over the next several days. Two, Kim is now officially classified as nubile. Three, Jeff needs nard reconstruction surgery (we will put him up with Jaq for recommendations.) Four, Cherry should not run in sandals if she wants to maintain long-term ankle stability. And five, someone in the neighborhood is going to have a somewhat difficult time selling their house in the short term.

Given the level of intoxication of those who stopped in at IHOS, Val and I just had to go to Lay-Varr's apartment and check out the ones who were not still mobile enough to actually walk. What a hoot. It reminded me of a Van Halen concert where free beer was being served. And since it was a going-away party, there was a large cake which had since turned into a ready source of projectiles. There was cake, beer, and semi-conscious people laid out all over the yard with the braver and more conscious of the lot still doing keg stands. That last piece of information also went a long way into explaining Jeff's crushed nards. It seems that within fraternity culture, when someone is approaching a new record time for a keg stand, one or more of the brothers assisting in the hoist (usually the one whose current record is in danger of being toppled) will attempt to assist the shortening of the present attempt by grabbing the nards of the attemptee. Someone got carried away, leaving Jeff hanging upside down over a keg, spigot going full-bore down his throat, with his nards ripped from his scrotal sac, hanging by threads. He nonetheless set the new record for the evening. Such are the advantages of growing up in New York State. Having seen enough to realize that there are many people in this world who would benefit from a frontal lobotomy, Val and I came home to watch a movie.

Jim Report: no Jims
Large Bug Report: something came out of the garden this evening, flying off into the woods. It was large. It was heavy. It was the 747 of bug-dom. We got nervous.
Screeching, Flying Thing Report: one screeching, flying thing -- different from the Large Bug thing.

Thursday 6 August 1998

Jaq stopped in for a bit and became an instant celebrity to two other folks who stopped in at IHOS, namely Adam and Lee from Orlando, Florida. Those two were on an extended road trip and decided to drop in at IHOS when they passed through Raleigh. I had actually known in advance that they were coming because they emailed me. Unfortunately, they said that they would be here about 9 pm on Thursday evening and actually dropped in at 10 am on Thursday morning. Not that it bothered me all that much, but Val answered the door and had just crawled out of bed. By the time I got up and came to the door myself, the two of them were practically frozen in fear from the sight of Ms. Medusa herself. They went away for a while and came back at a more appropriate time.

Jaq's celebrity status stemmed from the fact that Adam and Lee were familiar with Jaq's band, 9Lbs. Jaq was in a somewhat bad mood, though, since he had made a grievous error earlier in the evening. It seems that one of this mini-blinds had broken and he went in search of another one. The only problem is that he neglected to measure the width of the space for which the replacement blind was intended. It ended up that the blinds he bought were 40 inches wide while the space in the window was 30 inches wide. Jaq complained that everything about anything he did was always about 10 inches too long. We thought about tossing him into the bug zapper for that comment, but decided against it because of the dramatic increase in our power bill for this month given how long it would have taken him to completely fry.

Chad also came by and absolutely amazed me. I had feared having Chad and two people from Orlando in the same place at the same time, thinking that as soon as Chad found out that Adam and Lee were from Orlando the topic of conversation would have turned to Disney World and associated product lines. Chad did not mention a single word about Disney all night long. Now, that might have been because Chad did not make the connection between Orlando and Disney, but I rather think that Chad could sense that Lee, who is very large, really hates Disney stuff and probably would have crushed Chad.

Erin and Cherry also stopped by for just a moment on their way out for the evening, They were dressed to kill and we were amazed at how well they cleaned up when they wanted to. Erin was not scooting along the sidewalk in an attempt to scratch herself, so we did not being up the itching problem.

Jim Report: no Jims
Hummmmmmmmingbird Report: one hummmmmmmmingbird who flew perilously close to my face.
Screetching, Flying Thing Report: one Screetching, Flying Thing spotted dive bombing the insects around the light poles.

Friday 7 August 1998

It hasn't rained that hard for that long since Hurricane Fran two years ago. We had about seven inches of rain over three hours. The Avent Ferry Road creek overran its banks again and flooded the parking lots. About 20 cars were completely covered with water and destroyed. On the plus side, there were many bimbos who had parked their cars in that lot. Not that we were in anyway glad that they had lost their cars, but they were all standing around in the rain wearing just the shorts and t-shirts they grabbed when they ran out to try and save their cars. It was a fruitful IHOS field trip.

Saturday 8 August 1998

The Return of the Goddess

Jan is home again. For those who don't remember, Jan is one of the Babes in the Apartment Across the Street who is such a babe that she is in a category all by herself, just below Anna Nicole Smith and Kim, keeper of Richard, brother of Billy-Bob, aka Thumper. She has been gone all summer doing summer-type things and she finally came home. In tow was John, keeper of Jan, who appeared to have suffered little wear, though the marks of where he has been joined at the hip to Jan were still visible. John has undergone some remarkable changes since the last time we saw him. Though he still looks the same, he now holds himself like the budding golf pro that he is. It is clear that he will probably make the US Open within about three years if he wants to. Unfortunately, he will probably completely screw up his life and go on for his MBA and law degree, settling into a comfortable existence making about $500K per year while spending time at his four homes scattered throughout the world. Such a waste of a perfectly, good stance.

Today also saw the personal trashing of Legs and Erin who, in a fit of incomprehensible alcoholism, decided to drink themselves silly. Legs has just moved into a new place with Jessie (who is completely satisfied with the size of her hooters) and her primary squeeze Steve (who is also completely satisfied with the size of Jessie's hooters.) As such, the celebration began in earnest. Legs and Erin were last seen stumbling down the street in an attempt to return to their new home, flashing all the way.

Chad dropped in for a bit, all flustered and ranting on about something technical, the details of which completely escaped all within earshot.

New Bug Report: we are pleased to announce the discovery of a new bug -- the Puzz. The Puzz hovers randomly and looks remarkably like a piece of fuzz, except with an edge. it is very cool.
Bimbo Report: many bimbos wandering through the neighborhood this evening, several of them in various stages in undress.
New Neighbor Report: three babes have moved into the apartment across the cul-de-sac, one of whom is a cutie-pie who does not eat meat. Perhaps the coming of the Blood Moon will alter her position. We have not yet seen the other two, but we can presume that they are either hot babes (since the one we saw was a hot babe and hot babes tend to hand with other hot babes) or complete dogs (since occasionally hot babes will hang with complete dogs in an effort to make themselves look even better.) We shall wait a week and see what the view will bring.

Sunday 9 August 1998

Who knows where to even begin? They came in waves this evening, sometimes just staying for a moment; other times settling in and we thought they would never leave. But they did. And then they came back. Again and again. Each time with a more and more bizarre tale of events taking place away from IHOS (but undiscovered by me since Val had been working my butt off all day long cleaning and I could no longer move to any great extent.) Since there is no way I can possibly recreate the exact chronological order of events, I will just hit the highlights and hope that their context is fair to all parties involved.

Beth is one of the most disgusting women we know. Now, don't take that as a negative; hardly, that places her on a pedestal -- one designed solely for the purpose of looking up her dress -- but a pedestal nonetheless. Beth as you may remember is the roommate of Heather, not Heather, and some other babe who remains invisible to mere mortals. Beth has the ability to belch, hock loogies, and fart with the best of them, engaging in such male-fantasies all while never missing a single beat in the flow of conversation. She is extremely impressive. She can also drink most people under the table -- also extremely impressive. It is the consensus that we want her.

And speaking of Heather...Heather is a major babe. 5 foot 10 inches, built solid as a rock, and with a personality that takes center stage not only for its forcefulness, but also for what she says when she speaks. Heather's only shortcoming is that she has oil spots on her hooters, though to her credit, she is aware of them and intends to take care of the situation as soon as events warrant her further attention.

Jan is still looking as hot as a woman can look and still be a real human being, not some ethereal angelic creature sent to remind everyone else on Earth that they look like frogs with a skin problem. After extended discussions among those at IHOS, we have decided that Jan and John need to get married soon and start raising a family. That way, Jan can start on fulfilling her every dream in life while being married to someone who is a lawyer AND a golf pro. What more could a girl from a small, southern town ask for in life? Well, Jan also wants to be an actress. So we have decided that one good way to launch her career would be to select her as Miss IHOS for 1999 which would automatically put her into the Miss North Carolina pageant. She is a sure win for that, then it is on to the Miss America contest where she would blow away the competition. Then John could not only be a lawyer and golf pro, but also be married to Miss America. What more could a guy from a small, southern town ask for in life?

Sarah was down in the dumps for some reason and was forced by circumstances to eat an entire pizza.

Shallon came outside and caused major cutie field failure for miles around. She managed to go camping for the weekend, taking dumps in the most unlikely places, and come back looking hotter than ever. We are wondering what she would look like if she became stranded in the Amazon jungle for six months, living off of roots and things that she captured by hand? She would probably turn into such a hot babe that no one could stand it. We are considering testing our theory. If we only had a local jungle.

Andy came by and we put him to work. He took a monitor off our hands. It was a monstrous 21 inch color monitor that we did not need anymore and it weighed four thousand pounds. He barely managed to get it to his car and place it in the back seat. We refuse to pay for the new shocks and rear end that came exploding out of his little Fiesta-like thing when the full weight of the monitor hit the back seat.

Anthony, Lay-Varr, and Cherry dropped in a couple of times during the course of the evening. It seems that some of the members of a certain fraternity are upset that I may have portrayed them in an unflattering light several days ago on this very forum. To that complaint, all I can do is offer my heartfelt apology...


Can you actually believe that a group of drunken, stoned ruffians whose idea of a good time is to do keg stands until their livers explode, all the while bragging of what their peni could do to most women on the face of the planet...who feed their own fraternity brother a glass of piss...who can throw a party and leave a swath of trash in their wake without any single regard to the fact that they just trashed someone else's house...who rush freshmen during orientation and feed them beer until their brains explode...and who have absolutely no respect for anything or anyone beyond their own insecure, egotistical, and pathological selves, would get torqued at a passing commentary on what was their incredibly public display of drunkenness? They're just lucky I didn't mention what house they are from because I know that at least one person from their National (who is an old friend of mine) reads this page. Now THAT cold have been fun.

We have officially declared that Cherry's ass is no longer an ass, but rather a booty. She concurred grudgingly.

Chad came by. Chad is going to the beach. Chad needs to go to the beach. He has been cooped up for way too long. Chad also took two monitors off our hands. Chad sweats when performing manual labor.

We have an unconfirmed report of projectile vomiting. It appears that the new folks who moved in upstairs threw a house warming party. We understand that at one point, one of them came flying out the front door, leaned over the rail, and spewed all over the front lawn. Again, this is unconfirmed.

Jim Report: no Jims
Puzz Report: more sightings of Puzzes
Home Cracker Report: We have a new home cracker in the neighborhood. Some very white guy in a Volvo who runs around all the time listening to gangsta rap at full volume.

Monday 10 August 1998

We had a special guest this evening. Jaq brought by Heather. Not the Heather from across the street, but another Heather who works with Jaq at Al-Mart. Heather is a very strange person which is good because she will get along with IHOS members just fine.

Jaq spent much of the evening practicing his pick-up lines and destroying the table when Heather kept turning him down. Now granted, he was only roll playing and he was already on a date with Heather, but he took it personally anyway. We had to put a stop to things when he got down on his hands and knees in the grass and started tearing up pieces of turf after one particularly heinous rejection. Jaw needs help.

Jim Report: no Jims
Black Bug Report: though it is late in the season, the black bugs have started boning furiously on the sidewalks, sides of buildings, lawns, and anywhere else they happen to find themselves in pairs, trios, or any other combination.

Tuesday 11 August 1998

Happy Birthday Heather

Today is Heather's birthday. No, not the Heather who Jaq brought over last night, but the Heather across the street. Heather is 21 tonight. We actually waited up for Heather to come home since that would have been a real hoot to watch her pour herself into her apartment, but Heather never came home. We ventured that she decided not to celebrate her 21st birthday as she initially intended, but rather chose to go on a tour of historic churches in eastern North Carolina. Either that, or she was busy servicing a football team somewhere. We will find out eventually so she had better just come clean with us.

Wednesday 12 August 1998

IHOS was closed tonight because some cretin or cretins decided to steal six of our lawn chairs. I am really pissed. And I have a pretty good idea of who did it. In cases like this, it is almost fortunate that the police can do little to rectify the situation since that allows me to take matters into my own hands. I believe I'll use the "he was coming right for us" defense when I determine exactly who stole the chairs.

Not, by the way, that we actually needed those chairs to open IHOS, but I was just so pissed that I was afraid I was going to start shooting people at random who simply happened to walk by. It was not a good time to be near me.

Thursday 13 August 1998

Slow night and I'm still pissed off, thought Val has managed to disarm me for the most part -- at least the weapons of mass destruction. I was going to go get some more chairs, but I decided to confront who I suspected stole them. I gave them till the morning to get the chairs back. I wonder what a human being would look like when immersed in liquid nitrogen for 10 minutes or so?

Omar and Mitch, our new neighbors from upstairs, dropped in for a bit to say hello and get themselves inaugurated into the IHOS legion. They expressed an appropriate amount of sorrow at the loss of our chairs, then we started to make fun of people who were walking by.

Jim Report: still no Jims
Cleaning Report: every closet in the house is now cleaned out and all the junk has been brought to the storage area. In the next week or so we will be going through all the garbage, I mean valuable treasures, and having a yard sale. Whatever is not sold on that fateful day will be thrown in the dumpster where it belongs, I mean donated to a worthy charity to be sold at Christies.

Friday through Monday 14-17 August 1998

We spent very little time out at IHOS this weekend, not because the weather was not fabulous or that the hundreds of nubile college babes wandering once again through our neighborhood were not magnificent or even because some unadulterated piles of scum stole our chairs. No, we were for the most part stuck in the house for three days DOING OUR TAXES so the people at the IRS, who mothers by the way never bothered to ask their father's name at the time of conception, could extort their annual sum out of my ass.

Some of the people who dropped in and who we summarily ran off after several moments of pleasantries were Jaq, Andy, Anthony, Shallon (yes, even Shallon,) Billy Bob, and a couple of large-breasted babes who were lost.

Tuesday 18 August 1998

Quick burst of activity tonight when Anthony, Erin, Legs, Rhianna, and Jessie the hooter babe stopped in to chat. We had to listen (once again) of the tale of the 15 year-old blonde with giant knockers who tried to interfere with Rhianna's primary squeeze. Given that the incident happened two weeks ago gave us the idea that the blonde bimbo actually may has had a shot at it were it not for Rhianna calmly requesting that she be removed from the presence of Rhianna's primary squeeze. We were actually proud of Rhianna that night in that the situation was resolved to everyone's satisfaction without the police or the medical examiner needing to be called.

Now that taxes are done, things should be getting back to a reasonable level of normalcy.

Jim Report: no Jims
Mud Dauber Report: there is an insane mud dauber who somehow felt that we invaded his territory. He is nothing more than a stain now.

Wednesday 19 August 1998

Andy and Jaq came over this evening and they had the opportunity to meet Shallon, Nikki, and Sarah who came over to visit for a while. Shallon was amazed that Jaq only has one nard and seemed to get somewhat excited at that prospect, but that is Shallon. She goes into erotic mode at the mention of anything.

We also had some fun as Sarah's expense tonight. Sarah, if you recall, has a Savannah accent in which simple three and four letter words become eight syllable abstractions of what they actually are in the English language. And somewhere along the way, she has lost the ability to pronounce the letter "r" as anything but an "h" along with the ability to string out so many southern vernacularisms in a single sentence that it is difficult to communicate at times without a UN translator. But we love her to death even though she has to say things a dozen times or more from time to time.

We also had the Raleigh Police drop in tonight to follow-up on the stolen chair report. Two detectives in suits stopped by to get some more information about the loss of the chairs -- particular the Val Throne. They are on the case and promise that if they catch whoever stole them, they would hit them across the head and neck with their clubs, shoot them several times in the kneecaps, set fire to them, and back their cars up repeatedly over their torsos. We think they may have been exaggerating a bit, but we will see.

Jim Report: no Jims
Puzz Report: many puzzes this evening. It must be mating season.
Cricket Report: it is definitely mating season for crickets if the volume of cricket noise is any indication. There is so much screeching and chattering out there is sounds like a Tupperware party.

Thursday 20 August 1998

Mitch and Omar came down for a bit just to make sure that they hadn't dies of alcohol poisoning. They seemed to be fine except that they reaction time was down to about 30 seconds for things that would constitute an emergency (like the severing of ones head) and about two hours for things like normal conversation. Omar kept mentioning something about french toast and we didn't want to know the details.

The bimbo patrol has begun in anticipation of the Great Brent Road Party that is to be held on Saturday night. As we get closer and closer to this year's event, there are more and more bimbos wandering around the neighborhood. We think that they are staking out locations and bushes under which to get boned. Some of them seemed like they were marking their territory by rubbing up against trees.

Chad dropped in eight thousand times for little apparent reason. There is a major development occurring in the Life of Chad involving a babe, but we can not give out any specific information at this time due to the sensitive nature of the negotiations. We will keep you posted.

Jim Report: no Jims
Maniac Report: now that Lay-Varr has moved out of his apartment, we have decided to issue the Maniac Report when appropriate. Tonight is appropriate. Everyone dropped in. Anthony, Cherry, Rhianna, Legs, Jessie, and Erin were in rare form.

Friday 21 August 1998

Tonight was a night of resting up for the Great Brent Road Party tomorrow evening. Chad, Val, and I just had a quiet evening sitting at IHOS...well, as quiet as an evening can be with Chad around. Tomorrow is the night we wait for and we will be ready.

Tuesday 1 September through Saturday 5 September 1998

We've already covered this at the end of August so I am not going to repeat myself. Now go on to the next entry.

Sunday 6 September 1998

We are not amused. Two things happened today that just made a mess of things. First, we went to the exotic animal show at the fairgrounds specifically to see the Official IHOS animal -- the Yak. There were no yaks. There were snakes. There were frogs. There were millipedes. There were turtles. There were all sorts of four-legged animals including llamas, camels, zebras, funky-looking pigs, weird goats, a bunch of strange birds, and a couple of kangaroos, but no Yaks. The only saving grace of the whole day was the discovery of a pen full of hedgehogs, the Official Animal of 1998, that being the Year of the Hedgehog at IHOS. Val picked one up and I petted one hesitantly having had a run-in with a gerbil a couple of weeks ago that did not go well.

But no yaks...There was supposed to be yaks, but the person who had the yaks did not show. So we will just dream of yaks.

The other thing that happened which put a damper on the day was the discovery of a load of bird crap in my chair. Now, we normally experience a bit of bird guano deposited on the various chairs from time to time, but this was no normal bird. Whatever took a dump in my chair had to have weighed at least three tons and consumed an entire raspberry orchard prior to visiting IHOS. If you should see something with about a 700 foot wingspan and an evil grin on its face hovering above your house, just move.

Jim Report: no Jims
Large Flying Bug Report: there are some large flying insects hanging out in the area. They've been here for about four days now and tend to hang on to the screens doing nothing constructive even in bug terms. They get really pissed off when you thump them.

Monday 7 September 1998

I thought tonight would be a bit more active than it was given that everyone was out of town over the weekend and was due to arrive back tonight. Apparently either everyone decided to stay an extra night then scramble back in on Tuesday morning or everyone was seriously hung over and collapsed under their covers hiding from the world. Even the bug zapper was quiet.

Friday 11 December 1998

There are many people who have wondered over the past couple of months just what happened to the stunning write-up of the Brent Road Party and most everything that followed. Well, the answer is very simple.

I got really busy.

You see, we own a web hosting company called PagePlop and a web design firm called PagePlan. Starting in the last week of August, we got hammered. We're not exactly sure what happened, but all of a sudden, we had more business and more things to do that we have had since we opened over two years ago. So we had to close IHOS a bit early as far as the formal IHOS was concerned. Not that we didn't sit out at the table from time to time; it's just that we were never out there for more than an hour at a time and folks just kinda stopped dropping by because the schedule became irregular.

As a result of the explosion of business, we have hired several new people and will be hiring more in the spring. That way, we will be able to continue IHOS in 1999 as it should be done.

So we'll see you then...

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