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Early Thursday Morning, 26 March Just a prelude to what is to come... The temperature is supposed to be in the high 70s today and fine weather will continue through the weekend. As soon as we wake up (perhaps noon,) we will be dragging out the table and rinsing off the winter slug snot. The grill will roll out and be cleaned. And the umbrella will be set up. Then we take a nap. Just to catch you up on some of the people from the 1997 season... Jim and Leigh have decided to legalize their excessive practice of the horizontal bop and will tie the knot later this summer. He has told me the date about six thousand times, but I will not remember till I actually get an invitation. Until that fateful day, we will endeavor to get Jim in as much trouble as possible. hehehe Will went into basic training at the end of December. We have not heard from him since. Either he was killed by his own cadet platoon (or whatever you call them) or he really screwed up and is now stationed somewhere in Rwanda guarding a fly sanctuary. Shannon, the babe not the bimbo, keeper of Will, has similarly disappeared and is presumed to still be attending college in Greensboro where she is majoring in bladder control. Dave and Kim have successfully settled into their mobile home and are now officially among the ranks of true, southern trailer trash. Kim gets better looking every time we see her and Dave still has no ass. And now that they have settled in, there is a good chance that they will be opening IHOS West this summer. Of course, no one will actually go there since we have all seen Deliverance and still have bad dreams. Billy Bob, aka Thumper, keeper of Katie-Kins, has had a rough winter, having suffered the humility of being personally responsible for the demise of every men's sports team at North Carolina State University. He also crunched the front quarter panel of the BillMobile, though it is fixed and he is back to stealing my parking spot on a regular basis. Richard, brother of Billy Bob, has successfully conned, uh...gotten Kim (the Amazon babe who set new records for inducing cutie field failure) to accept his proposal in marriage. It is not known if a date has been set yet, but until that moment comes, we all still consider her fair game. Attempts will continue. Katie-Kins, primary nemesis of Billy Bob, has become a recluse, locking herself in her room only to come out when psychosis starts setting in. She has until the middle of April to start socializing again before we physically drag her out kicking and screaming into the night. Chad still lives upstairs and is still not making any sense. Catherine and Data are still engaged in marital bliss, though Data has regained his ability to walk. Heather, Not Heather, and Beth, neighbors of Andy, Cameron, and Pete have all slipped away into the night never to be seen again. Kara, Al, and Ike have cocooned themselves into their enclave for the winter. Kara has been seen only rarely. Al we believe has crawled into bed, not to emerge until the temperature hits 85. Ike is still very confused from his adventure with the drunk Mexican last summer. Jaq is still....well, Jaq. Jay and Kay are another couple who are involved in wedded bliss, having been united last year and have just recently been pried apart with three crow bars and a jaws of life. The babes across the street, Sarah, Nikki, Jan, and Shallon, are still living across the street. Sarah is apparently sucking face big time with someone unknown to us since she has not been seen for months (except in fleeting glances while driving away toward her primary squeeze.) Nikki is looking as cute as ever, with a serious looking new do; she is still talking incessantly. Jan continues to exude an aura of pure, animalistic sex where ever she walks. Shallon is now into lizards, a fact that when combined with the fact that she moves like a snake when she walks, will probably result in a wave of complete cutie field failure among the poled attendees at IHOS this year. John is still living next door, though Greg has finally quit wasting his folk's money, uh graduated, and has moved on. He just stopped by the other day, though, to show off his new truck with the twenty-seven way auto alarm that will even flush the toilet for you if need be. Ruby is still living next door as well, presumably still eating cats. Ty is seen from time to time, though we think the poor thing is just plum exhausted from humping Ruby all winter. Amy, potential occupant of Mikey (hey, he's trying realllll hard) has popped in a couple of times over the winter, though she most often lures Mikey to her place; I think she is still afraid of us. Mikey has moved in upstairs and is happily coding away at the computer, relying on us to remind him to eat from time to time. Do not try to contact Mikey on weekday evenings between 7 and 8 PM since some TV station is showing every episode of Babylon 5 in succession. Val continues to put up with me and has condensended to remain my wife through another IHOS season which is a very good thing since she feeds us. |
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Thursday, 26 March 1998 OK, so maybe it was really stupid on our part, but we got IHOS open. It's amazing how cold 62 degrees feels when there is a 15 mile per hour wind blowing across your face. The evening started out with Val, Jim, Billy Bob (aka Thumper,) and myself attending the opening ceremonies. We kicked on the festivities at 8 PM sharp with the playing of the IHOS anthem, "Flashlight" then moved directly into Rhino night (Rhino Records, where they collect records so you don't have to...) We started off with rib-eyes, New York Strips, and some pathetic piece of meat that Jim brought over, followed by about 10 pounds of crab legs (and of course, peanuts salted in the shell.) Sunkist Orange soda (the official drink of IHOS) flowed freely. Immediately following the consumption of the first meal of 1998, Jim led us in a celebration by lighting off a firecracker in the front lawn and farting (though fortunately for everyone living in wood-frame structures in the neighborhood, he did not do both at the same time.) Throughout the course of the evening, Thumper begged for us to bring out the light so he could try to attract woman; we finally relented at about 10 PM when the bimbo parade picked up a bit. He was again unsuccessful. Jay and Kay dropped in for a bit, though they wouldn't take us up on our offer of food. Seems like they hit an all-you-can-eat Chinese food buffet bar just before they arrived, finally being thrown out by a handful of irate immigrants who were watching their life's savings be consumed plate by plate. Mikey finally woke up and wandered down. He began complaining that it was cold within seconds of arriving and kept up his carping until IHOS finally closed at midnight. Before closing, though, we all ate our first ceremonial hamburgers of the season, grilled to perfection by Val, the keeper of the food. For a moment, Mikey shut up about the cold while he was eating. We had one IHOS virgin, a one Eddie of whom we know only that he is from Shelby and has a thing for women who run track. He also has a bunch of dirt on Thumper, but we were unable to extract any information at this time; he is welcome back anytime, though we would appreciate it if he brought his own cassette tapes to record on when he finally opens up about the Thumper Story. We will keep you posted. Speaking of Thumper, he brought us a bit of bad news tonight. It appears that Richard, brother of Thumper, and Kim are no longer engaged; they have actually gotten married. We all became depressed for a short time until we realized that Kim was still fair game as long as Richard wasn't looking. Derrick and Katie-Kins dropped in for a moment before they went out jogging. We are concerned that Katie has taken up jogging for we fear that she will end up with a broken jaw if her sports bra should snap under the tension. We warned her. We also formally agreed and declared that 1998 shall be the Year of the HedgeHog. Slug Report: no slugs |
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Friday, 27 March 1998 Another beautiful spring night at IHOS. This time it was a bit warmer and the wind had died down a bit from last night. We had some very special visitors tonight -- Wayno, sister of Wayno, Amy, and wife of Wayno, Tanya. Wayno is from Rochester, New York and his sister just recently moved down to the Raleigh area. Tonya, wife of Wayno, is from Canada originally though we didn't bother to check her green card prior to allowing her at IHOS since marriage to a US citizen apparently makes one automatically an American citizen. Personally, I think they ought to be required to do 10,000 push-ups of something, but that is only my view. Anyway, Wayno works for Kodak (a registered trademark. All rights reserved), though so does everyone else in Rochester, New York so he really wasn't telling us anything new. Amy works with slimy stuff as a biological tech-type person. Tanya just hangs out and looks hot - she need not do anything else; her only task is to make Wayno look presentable in public, which is a difficult thing to do, but she pulls it off admirably. Unfortunately, we do not believe that Wayno properly prepared his lovely wife for what IHOS was all about and we are almost certian that we scared her. Amy did well, though, holding her own among the degrangement of the night. Dave and Kim, the king and queen of trailer trash, dropped in for a bit. Kim was all dolled up with sparkly stuff on her face and cleavage. We tried to find out just how far the sparkly stuff extended, but were unsuccessful. In their honor, we replayed the IHOS anthem, "Flashlight" since they weren't able to make it for the formal opening last night. Seems that they were squirrel hunting in their front yard of something like that. Dave wondered why the official IHOS bug zapper was not in place yet and we had to tell him that there were no bugs yet. He didn't seem to make the connection as to its purpose. Mikey consumed large quantities of hamburgers again, uh....cheeseburgers. You will perhaps notice that I have started putting the day of the week at the top of each entry. A handful of cretins who have no concept of how a calandar works requested that I do so in order that they may keep up with what is happening. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Saturday, 28 March 1998 Warming up nicely. We are very happy. It was a somewhat quiet evening; we actually started off doing some normal socializing. Wayno, Amy (sister of Wayno) and Tanya (wife of Wayno) attended dinner along with Val, Mikey and myself at Ryan's Steakhouse, the official steakhouse of IHOS. They need to return to Rochester in the morning so they weren't able to actually attend IHOS. They will be missed and are welcome back anytime. When we returned to the table, Jay and Kay arrived shortly thereafter. For the most part, it was a quiet evening until the fire trucks rolled by. We whipped out the scanner and determined that one, they were heading right around the corner from us and two, there was an actual fire (though of unknown type at that moment.) It became time for an IHOS field trip, the first of the year. As it turned out, a moped had burst into flames, taking with it the wooden pole it was tied to. The firefighters had already put out the fire by the time we got there, but they were still standing around looking very cool in their suits and hardhats. Even cooler was the big fire engine parked on the street, lights still hammering the night. We want one. As soon as we determined that there was no real chance that a burned body would be found under the moped, we decided to come back to IHOS where we caught Chad desperately trying to get his babe into his car and drive away before we reached him. Though he is completely insane, Chad knows us well enough that we would have mortally embarrassed him unless he got away. Unfortunately, he got away; there will be other times, though. The summer is young. Slug Report: one slug |
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Sunday, March 29, 1998 It keeps getting warmer everyday. We are very, very happy. It was a quiet one tonight with just Val, Mikey, Thumper, and myself sitting around the table making fun of the occasional bimbo that walked by. Thumper was offered some nice New York Strip steaks, but opted rather for a bowl of spaghetti covered with what looked like snot. There is no accounting for taste. Jim and Leigh dropped in late in the evening just to say hello. Leigh still has tiny feet. Jim is still ugly. We got an email from P.J. today who is still in Charlotte doing Charlotte-type things. He moved down there last year in an effort to find more women than exist in Raleigh. There is not updated word on his success, but we will find out and keep you posted. Slug Report: no slugs |
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Monday, 30 March 1998 We did an early IHOS today since the NCAA final game is tonight. For all practical purposes, all we did was sit in the sunshine all day long and eat crab legs. Pounds and pounds of crab legs. Mikey exploded about 5 PM, Val got sunburned then exploded. And that just left more for me. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Tuesday, 31 March 1998 A very quiet and peacful evening tonight. Val and I held IHOS by ourselves with very little traffic passing by. Essentially we just sat there. Nothing more of any significance to report, except... It is necessary to say hello to Sarah, brother of Ben, and to encourage her to drop us a line at: Failure to do so will result in immediate termination with extreme prejudice. Jim Report: no Jims and we're starting to get a bit concerned |
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Wednesday, 1 April 1998 Well, it looks like I was right. The warm weather we have been having has been a fluke. It is turning cold again at night. Actually not really cold, but we are complete weenies when it gets below 62 or so and we flee indoors. Anyway, that means that IHOS will still be open, but for the next bit (it looks like about a week or so at this point) we will be having our activities during the day. What that means is that the bimbos will not really be wandering, all those who actually work for a living will not be dropping in, and it will be essentially Val and I consuming large quantities of food. Speaking of which... Tonight was our weekly run to the grocery store to stock up on the mandatory items necessary for survival, like chocolate, cookies, ice cream, and huge volumes of meat. We also went on an Al-Mart run (the "W" is still burned out.) |
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Thursday, 2 April 1998 There's a party in my pants...actually, it was across the parking lot. We almost had the first official Yahoo night of 1998. The only problem was that, though the morons attending the party were fully qualified to be extras in the remake of Deliverance, none of them drove pick-up trucks as far as we could tell. They gave us the first completely drunk bimbo, the first on-the-road pissing, and the first "let's smash the beer bottle in the parking lot because it makes a cool noise" of the 1998 IHOS season. We know where to find several of them and fully intend to destroy their cars before too long. Tonight was hamburger night at IHOS in honor of the 1950s drive-in. It seemed appropriate to do this on Rhino Night since we opted to do a 50s theme tonight. Unfortunately, we only got through about three-fourths of the Five Royals 2-disk compilation before we froze our nards off. So we took it inside and watched the NCAA cheerleading finals for a while. We also found a very neat web site that is dedicated to buses plunging off roadways and bridges into ravines and rivers. It is at http://www.users.interport.net/~tcs/index.html Jim Report: no Jims |
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Friday, 3 April 1998 Cold |
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Saturday, 4 April 1998 Damn cold |
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Sunday, 5 April 1998 Real cold |
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Monday, 6 April and Tuesday, 7 April, 1998 I am pleased to announce my first allergy-induced sinus infection of the season. Since this particular occurrence was merely an inconvenience compared to a major flare-up, I will spare you the pus report this time. |
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Wednesday, 8 April 1998 I still wasn't feeling well (primarily due to the antibiotics and not the sinus infection,) and slept through most of what would be considered the IHOS Hours. It is my understanding, though, that Mikey decided that IHOS had been closed to too long (even though early in the season) and decided to open it himself. The "Mikey Session" (as it has come to be known) involved him firing up the grill and cooking a couple of hamburgers. He apparently sat at the table for about an hour, finally realizing the futility of his actions, and slinked back off to HOMI (House Of Mikey, Internationalle.) By the time I did wake up, it was fairly late and very warm out. Unfortunately, it was also raining heavily, so the continued events of the evening were a bit stifled. |
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Thursday, 9 April 1998 Well, that was stupid. It was warm and muggy all day long. We had a cold front come through that brought some storms, but then something weird happened. The cold front passed, the winds shifted to the west from the south...and it warmed up even more. So we're thinking - what a great night for IHOS. Mikey came down. Jay and Kay slid over. And we had a very special visitor tonight. Kelly. She is new to IHOS and has a great set of hooters. Anyway, we assemble at the table and IHOS begins for the Third Weekly Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to.) About 30 minutes after IHOS started, I heard a faint, squeaking noise. To make a long story short, it was the sound of Mikey's nards getting sucked back up into his body as they tried to escape the cold. Shortly after, Kelly and Kay demanded blankets in which to wrap up. Val started growing hair to keep her legs warm. I, on the other hand, was relatively comfortable since I am still taking Biaxin for the sinus infection and it has managed to deaden every sensory nerve in my body. Jay is hairy to begin with and was completely unaffected. IHOS closed shortly thereafter. Speaking of hair, we got into a conversation about that stuff that is advertised on TV that you smear on and it removes hair, preventing it from growing for weeks afterward. Speculation turned to the possible misapplication of said product. Kay wondered if someone had just smeared the stuff on whatever portion of their body they desired to render hairless, then picked their nose, would they pull out a finger-full of hair? And what of elderly men who weaseled the wax out of their ears if their hands were covered with goop? Could they potentially do damage to the cilia of the inner ear? Only experimentation will tell for sure and no one was willing to volunteer. We will just have to wait until later in the summer when the frequency and blood-alcohol-content of the passing drunks increases. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Friday, April 10 through Tuesday, April 14, 1998 Crappy weather. Cold. Wet. Nasty. Teasingly warm during the day, but turning into a frozen wasteland with wind as soon as the sun goes down. Tomorrow is looking better, though. We will try again. Oh yes...we will try again. |
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Wednesday, 15 April 1998 Nice, quiet, peaceful, balmy evening with a lesbian bimbo sighting. What more could you ask for? We fired up the grill and popped on some rib-eyes for a late dinner. The Babes Across the Street were enjoying the evening as well with a bevy of the Sausage Factory in tow. We had a couple of yahoos drive by in their beat up, pick-ups, screeching wheels in an attempt to impress the more ignorant blondes in the neighborhood. Other than that, it was just Val and I hanging out listening to tunes. Except for the fire. Shortly after we opened IHOS, we started to smell smoke. Then it started to get hazy. So I called the fire department. I told them where I was and that there was a fire somewhere, though I could not see any direct flames or smoke; all I could tell is that it was somewhere southwest of us and starting to kick up. So what do they do? They send the fire engines in full siren to IHOS. Some people are not bright. Nevertheless, by the time they got here, it was obvious that there was a fire somewhere (though not here) and they continued up the street. Apparently they found something because the smoke stopped a couple of minutes later, the smell subsided, and the fire truck came back down the road. Later this summer we are planning an IHOS field trip to Raleigh Fire Station Number Five to check out the engines up close and personal. We hope they will let us in. Addendum: After IHOS closed for the evening. After it had gottern so cold that frost was forming on my eyelashes. After everyone else in the entire world in every time zone had already gone to sleep -- Thumper and Eddie show up. So we opened IHOS again. We did find out that Eddie has a primary squeeze named Shelley, keeper of Eddie, who resides in Charlotte. She will be coming to visit us soon. We are excited and are preparing a special event to welcome her. More to come... Jim Report: no Jims |
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Thursday, 16 April 1998 I told Val yesterday when we went to the grocery store that we really needed to get some hamburger stuff, but nooooo....she wouldn't listen to reason. Of course, to hear her tell it, you would think it was I who stated that we should not bother picking up anything since it was supposed to rain all day today and, if it didn't, I could always run over to the store and get burger stuff. She will also try to convince you that she warned me I would not actually move my carcass to the extent that burger stuff was actually procured should the day turn out to be nice. But who are you gonna believe? The day turned out to be nice. We didn't bother with the grill, though, since I had the forethought to pick up sandwich stuff like turkey and roast beef and sub rolls. The sandwiches were good -- don't get me wrong -- but they were nothing like the hamburgers we could have eaten if only someone would have listened to reason. We started the fourth Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) on an up note. Today was mowing day so the grass was nicely trimmed. In addition, we have fully weeded the garden and are within days of re-populating the plots with flowers. Of course, that has nothing to do with Rhino Records (where they collect records so you don't have to) but we thought we'd mention it anyway. We did get a brief sprinkle and dried things off quickly. Mikey was dead to the world having done something with Kelly last night, the details of which we do not really want to know. Thumper dropped in for a bit and reminded us just why he is a putz. Apparently, with Katie moving back to the place of her cash source, uh...where her parents live... as soon as school ends in May, and with Thumper not being able to attract any women who do not look like they have been former goalies for dart teams to move in with him, he has decided to move out. We're already calling dibs on his apartment. Jaq finally showed up again after a long absence. He has a new van which we had not yet seen. As he drove up, and before we realized who it was, Val noted that the van looked like something a child molester would drive. The van parked. Jaq got out. Val wasn't too far off the mark (though at least Jaq has been known at times to actually check a driver's license.) Jaq informed us that he will be going in for surgery shortly for a hernia. After we determined that said hernia involved one of the typical varieties and not the brain stem, we all settled into telling tales of how scalpels have been known to slip. Katie and Derrick dropped in for a moment to tell us that they were going out to enter some sort of trivia contest. They came back shortly thereafter making lame excuses. It was embarrassing; everyone knows that the name of the spacecraft that first placed men on the Moon was called the Eagle. Katie did inform us that her sister was dropping in Friday on her way back home. She would not tell us when she was going to get here nor how long she would stay. Perhaps we should not have first gotten so excited when we found out that Katie's sister has world-class hooters; we must refine our informational gathering technique somewhat. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Friday, 17 April 1998 Jim has returned. About two weeks ago, Jim got hold of some bad food and ended up barfing his intestines around his house. After about two days of that, he developed a sinus infection that turned into bronchitis. So he's been on antibiotics for two weeks now and Leigh has been taking care of him, not allowing him to leave the house. He finally escaped and came over to IHOS for a bit, hacking a lung or two during his brief stay here. I finally threw him out when he coughed up his pancreas. Surprisingly, it stayed not only warm, but dry into the evening, so we formally opened IHOS. Jay and Kay came over and tried to wake up Mikey as we did some two hours earlier. They were also unsuccessful. So we spent most of the balance of the evening making fun of him in his absence. We had our first, full-fledged Yahoo sighting of the year. Many drunks, apparently from the eastern part of the state (you can tell that when they forget to pick off all the sheep fur from their belt buckles,) driving around in their pick-up trucks, tossing beer bottles into the storm drain as they drive by. They were accompanied by a bevy of True Sluts, clambering and chattering like chickens, probably arguing whose man had the best aim. Unfortunately, though they were driving somewhat recklessly, they were not in danger of actually turning the truck over, spilling the human contents of the truck bed onto the road, causing great bleeding, dismemberment, and (potentially) a decapitation or two. We could only get so lucky; perhaps next time. Jim Report: one Jim |
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Saturday, 18 April 1998 A cold front came through sometime this morning and the high temperature was only 56 degrees; for those of you accustomed to centigrade, that means it was really cold. So cold that there was no way we were gonna get IHOS opened this evening. Then Jay, Kay, Kelly, and Mikey showed up around midnight after coming home from a road trip to Greensboro so we opened IHOS. It was Jay's birthday and we had a chocolate cake. Everyone scarfed down a single piece before toes started turning blue. Even the cake turned blue. So we went in. It was a rather uneventful evening other than that and the moment when Kay went to ground. You see, as Kay was moving toward her chair at the table, she somehow missed a step. Kay slammed into the ground with the force of a B-52 dropping its entire load over Iraq. Cal-Tech called since we were listed as the epicenter of a 6.2 quake and some anti-terrorist squad showed up just to make sure that WW3 had not started on our front lawn. Kay was fine except for a scraped foot, banged knee, and bruised ego. The most unfortunate aspect of the whole incident was that no one had a vidiocam running. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Sunday, 19 April 1998 Too cold. Way too cold. |
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Monday, 20 April 1998 We did a daytime IHOS today because of the cold nights we are having. Mikey, Val, and I did hamburgers, hot dogs, and rib eyes till we exploded. Then Chad and Thumper dropped in. We took a quick IHOS field trip to see the Babes Across the Street, one of whom, Shallon, was on her knees playing in the dirt out back of her patio. She was actually planting some pansies, but it was nice to see her on her knees. |
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Tuesday, 21 April and Wednesday, 22 April 1998 We are not amused. It is cold. It is raining. It is windy. And this stupid weather is supposed to continue through at least Friday. I guess it is just as well since Val is sick and has started to hock green snot. We go to the doctor's office tomorrow to get her some serious antibiotics, though I guess it will then be my turn to have her fart on me while she sleeps. And as a follow-up...if you recall, last Thursday for Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) I mentioned in passing that I was somehow missing volume one of the Greatest Hits of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Guess what showed up on my doorstep today? You got it. A volume one CD. Perhaps next time I should mention in passing that I am missing a full home theater system with THX surround sound and a 16:9 aspect, liquid crystal display measuring 56 inches wide with stack speakers, rocking theater seats, and my own concession stand located next to the indoor pool just off the interior-court, botanical garden. Of course, then I would have to get a bigger doorstep to take delivery of all that stuff, so perhaps it would be impractical. |
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Thursday, 23 April 1998 It was far too cold to be out tonight, but who cares...it's Rhino Record Night (where they collect records so you don't have to.) We fired up the grill and cooked some rib eyes and cheeseburgers. Mikey and I were sated while Val was still horking green snot. We finally brought her to the doctor and she is now taking antibiotics for greensnotitis. When we got back, Jaq and Jim had come over -- independently, but arriving within seconds of each other. Jaq wanted us to scan some images of his band, NineLbs, and Jim wanted us to put together a map of where his wedding is going to be held so that guests from out of town could actually find the place. We accomplished both tasks with Jaq being greatly appreciative and Jim doing nothing but complain for hours about the placement of the street names. We killed Jim, but he is getting better. Thumper dropped in and began demanding that we fix him spaghetti. He claims that we told him last week that we would fix homemade spaghetti for Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to,) but we don't remember making any such promises. Actually, we do remember it, but we are invoking plausible deniability in the matter. We promised him that next week we will make homemade spaghetti, but we may forget then as well. To remind us, send an email to Thumper. In fact, feel free to flood his mailbox. Jim Report: one Jim |
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Friday, 24 April 1998 Completely uneventful. So slow that we slept through most of the normal IHOS hours and ended up going on an Al-Mart run at about 2 AM. |
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Saturday, 25 April 1998 In what started out to be a slow night, some of the more bizarre things eventually occurred. Almost everyone was gone. Mikey went home for the night. Jim was abducted. Jaq was playing a gig with his band, NineLbs. Chad was golfing. Thumper was a complete wimp and fell asleep while Katie-Kins was working. Jay and Kay were in Asheville. No one was around. So Val and I were just taking in the night air by ourselves. Then all hell broke loose... The party started. By 10 PM, there were some 400 or 500 drunken yahoos and bimbos wandering around aimlessly between three parties -- one up the cul-de-sac, one up the street, and one across the street. Waves of bimbos washed back and forth, passing near IHOS on each crest. Then Marty and Kayt showed up with meat. We have not seen nor heard from Marty and Kayt since the end of last year when they mysteriously crawled off into the sunset. Things have not changed...wait, I take that back. As unbelievable as it may seem, Kayt's hooters have gotten larger, though Marty is still telling rambling stories that have no plot or definitive conclusion. Some serious rib eyes were grilled and the four of us spent the balance of their stay making fun of those who were now floating by as a result of over consumption of beer. By 3 AM, things were pretty much winding down. The amazing babe in the blue shirt had stopped bounding by, apparently going home when she realized that her melon-like protuberances were cold. The police had cruised in to break up the remaining 100 or so revelers and the neighborhood got quiet. Except for Brad. Brad (you may remember) lives next door. He wandered in looking for John who also lives next door. While Brad was here looking for John, John wanders up with another Brad in tow (who does not live next door) and Ty, the wonder dog. Since we had not seen Ty in a very long time, Ty was glad to see us again and promptly began pissing all over every bush in a 50 yard radius trying to re-mark his (now) extended territory. Then Scruffles, one of our cats -- the big, mean one who never has liked Ty very much -- noticed Ty outside the screen door. Imagine the sound of a thousand long fingernails being scrapped across the world's smoothest blackboard. That's the noise Scruff made. Then imagine a large, drooling dog, not knowing that said cat noise (along with the raising of hair, fluffing of tail, hissing, and bearing of teeth) was not a sign of the cat simply wanting to be friends. We are very lucky that our screen is made of aluminum rather than that vinyl stuff. Ty should also be glad since he managed to live to see another day, though he still really doesn't understand the full significance of the Scruff display. By the way, next weekend is the first Welfare Weekend of the 1998 IHOS season. For those who do not remember, that is the first weekend after the first day of the month when welfare checks hit. Given a warm evening and all that money flowing in the welfare community, things get very interesting. We often forgo tunes on Welfare Weekend and rather just pump the police radio through the speakers to listen to the fun. Jim Report: one Jim very early in the day, not to re-appear
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Sunday, 26 April 1998 Slow and peaceful night with not much activity. Those who were drunk last night are still trying to recover and those who were not drunk are still stunned by the view of the traveling bimbos. Thumper was able to come out an play after having slept for some 34 hours straight, though he claimed that he was not sleeping, but rather occupied. We, of course, don't believe him. Mikey dropped in for a bit when he arrived home and Thumper was in the middle of telling some weird tale of how it feels good to walk around barefoot in goose shit. Mikey concurred and Val and I thought that both of them were completely out of their gourds. Then Thumper started talking about how geese have teeth. Now don't get me wrong, but I know enough to realize that geese, as nasty as they may be, do not have teeth. Indeed, I had to go up against a goose one day who apparently felt that I had invaded his territory; I was forced to kick it up side the head to get it to leave, but I can assure you they have no teeth. A short time into the discussion of geese teeth there was a momentary pause as we pondered the thought of Thumper being attacked by a flock of geese when suddenly Mikey blurted out... "I once had to drop kick a chicken." We all looked at each other and decided at that moment to call it a night rather than listen to the full details of THAT story. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Monday, 27 April 1998 Too tired... |
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Tuesday, 28 April 1998 Too cold... |
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Wednesday, April 29 1998 and Thursday, April 30, 1998 Not feeling well...but keep reading into May for more information and our Name the Disease contest. |
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Friday, 1 May 1998 and Saturday, 2 May 1998 It's time for "Name That Disease" where contestants can win prizes and vials of anthrax bacillicus to use on their friends and neighbors. For years now, I haven't been feeling well. In the occasional trip to the doctor, I was always told that I had severe allergies, occasionally trying a new round of allergy shots or the latest antihistamine for relief. Nothing really worked so I just lived with the symptoms. This has been going on for 20 or more years now. Then about three weeks ago, things got worse. Much worse. It started with a continuation of tiredness that was sometimes overwhelming. Then my ankles started to swell, the edema getting very noticeable and not subsiding during the time I was asleep. Lymph glands all over me started swelling. My skin got very dry and scaly, more dry and scaly than normal. And I was constantly freezing; when it was in the 70s inside the house, I would sequester myself in the bathroom with a space heater to keep warm. Well, Saturday morning I woke up and my glands were so swollen that I had humps on my shoulders and looked like a chipmunk. My armpits hurt. I had just been to the doctor last Thursday for yet another bout of sinus infection and ear congestion where she drew some blood, suspecting something else as the underlying problem. When I woke up looking like I did on Saturday, it was time to run back to the doctor. And the test results were in and conclusive. They put me on a certain medication which, now exactly 24 hours later, has resulted in a disappearance of the lymph gland swelling, a marked reduction in the edema, and has placed me in a much better mood where I actually have the energy level I used to have 20 years ago. It's truly remarkable. So let's review the symptoms... Tiredness I will give you a bit of a clue. About three years ago, I came down with the same group of symptoms - especially the edema - and the doctor I was seeing at the time referred me to a pulmonary specialist. I was put through a whole bunch of tests and it turned out that my heart, lungs, and circulatory system was completely fine. That marked episode of increased symptoms, like the current bout, was also preceded by a bad sinus infection that required antibiotics. The same sequence of events, though not as pronounced, happened also last summer, though my doctor, given the clean bill of pulmonary health, attribituted it to the infection compounded by severe allergies (which I do indeed have.) So there you have it. Now you figure out what I have. It may help to know that I am 41. The first person to properly guess what is wrong with me will receive a copy of the Rhino Records CD "The Best of War...and More", a package of Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish, two cherry Rolaids, and a rock from the IHOS garden. To enter, send an email with your guess to disease@ihos.com. Include your name, mailing address, and phone number so that if you win I can get hold of you to send you the stuff. By the way, the medicine I am now taking apparently kicks in rather quickly and I should be completely back to my old self in a matter of weeks (or sooner given the dramatic improvement in just the past 24 hours.) Until complete recovery, I will still hold IHOS when I can starting Sunday night when we will be grilling out rib-eyes. |
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Sunday, 3 May 1998 through Wednesday, 6 May 1998 I must apologize for the lack of IHOS entries over the past week. Actually, I probably should apologize for the lack of IHOS over that same week, but I have been big-time sick. One things to report, though... I seriously hope that no one who emailed about "Name That Disease" actually intends to practice medicine at any time in their lives. What a bunch of diagnostic morons. Then again, a whole bunch of doctors missed the symptoms for over a decade so I guess I can't slight anyone. For those who are interested, I have hypothyroidism. Apparently my thyroid gland has shut down after years of being on the decline. Although it is a rather common illness, it happens now to affect me which sucks. The docs have put me on replacement hormone therapy and the stuff is ripping me to pieces. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for more info and to check my serum thyroid levels; then they can make a better assessment of how to approach the problem. Fortunately, hypothyroidism is a very treatable disease whose side effects disappear as soon as the hormone level comes back to normal. In the meantime, though, I really don't feel like doing anything of any significance. I hope to feel a bit better by this weekend and will see about opening IHOS again. At least it will be a bit warmer. |
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Thursday, 7 May 1998 Rain. Big rain. Thunderstorms of Biblical proportions. Lightning. Hail. Wind. Not a good night for IHOS and definitely not a good night for Rhino Records night (where they collect records so you don't have to.) |
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Friday, 8 May 1998 through Tuesday 12 May 1998 Very cold, generally wet, and mostly nasty outside. The weather is supposed to break by mid-week so we'll get back to the inanity shortly. this ought to be a pretty good weekend for bimbo reports as well since all three major universities have graduation in a couple of days. The thought of tens of thousands of coeds celebrating their passage to adulthood is making Mikey excited. I'm feeling much better as well, so I have been a bit disappointed that the weather has been shot for five days now. |
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Wednesday 13 May 1998 and Thursday 14 May 1998 We did a daytime IHOS today (Thursday) since it was over 80 degrees, but the temperature is supposed to hit the low 50s tonight -- supposedly the last time for a while that it will get cold at night. Andy, roommate of Jaq, stopped by for a bit and we consumed large quantities of crab legs. It was good. Given that We have essentially missed two Rhino Record nights in a row, we are temporarily moving Rhino Records night to Friday this week and this week only. We will resume our normal Thursday night schedule next week. And the big news...Katie-Kins parents are coming down this weekend, due to arrive Friday morning. That should result in a rousing IHOS event for Friday night, what with them here as well as graduation celebrations galore with their attending drunken bimbos. Speaking of which (celebrations, not drunken bimbos,) Katie's sister will also be coming down from Maryland so we will give you a full report tomorrow. Garden Report: most of the everyday flowering plants
are in the ground, but I am going to wait about three more weeks
to plant some of the more exotic stuff. |
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Friday 15 May 1998 Lamar is back. For those who don't remember, Lamar is the father of Katie-Kins, keeper of Mahvash, mother of Katie-Kins. both were down this weekend to witness one of the more improbable events in the history of the world -- the graduation of Katie-Kins. She has finally matriculated and is now a full-fledged member of the real world. Lamar spent the evening at IHOS relating stories of IBM, Microsoft, and other varied tales of computer life. At one point, he launched into a rousing diatribe of IBM complete with the word "Think" emblazoned across the sky and the IBM anthem playing faintly in the background. We let him roll on for about five minutes to get it out of his system then we turned out attention to more important things at the moment. There were no bimbos as expected. In fact, there was no one in the neighborhood at all. We had anticipated a large turnout for the pre-graduation parties which spring up all over the neighborhood, but nothing ever materialized. We were somewhat disappointed. Tonight was also a Night of the Blood Moon. Recall the Blood Moon is not only a semi-rare occasion when the moon appears red as it rises above the horizon, but is also the only time when Jenny actually eats meat; if you don't understand the reference, you really need to go back and read 1997. We miss Jenny and we hope she returns soon. Jim Report: two Jims, one earlier in the day when the
sun was still up and the second during IHOS. We actually think
they may have been the same Jim, but the first one was wearing
a suit and tie -- totally out of character for the Jim we know. |
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Saturday 16 May 1998 The first, perfect IHOS night of the year. We started at 10 sharp and the temperature was still in the 80s. By the time we shut it down at 4 AM, it was still in the low 70s. It doesn't get any better than this. Last night was an omen of things to come, though we didn't know it at the time. At 10 PM, I look out the door, about to go out and formally open IHOS, and who do I see but Marty. And guess who was in tow? None other than Jenny herself in the wake of the Blood Moon. Jenny is even hotter looking now than when we last saw her; we were seriously impressed. She is back for the summer now and will be dropping by often. Marty himself was even awestruck at how hot Jenny was and couldn't even get out a story over about 5 minutes in duration. Or perhaps it was because we threatened to kill him if he told any story that lasted more than 5 minutes or involved more than two digressions. So we won twice. We went out and got four new chairs earlier tonight to replace the ones shattered last season. They came in handy since people started pouring in about 11. First we had Jay and Kay come by. Jay and Marty spent about 15 minutes hitting each other over the head with an empty two-liter bottle, then things calmed down a bit when Kay threatened to kill Marty if he hit Jay again. We could only be so lucky, but Marty took the subtle hint and stopped bottle wars in its tracks. That gave Jay another five minutes or so to hit Marty on the head without retaliation. Linda, mother of Mikey, was also here tonight, though Dirk, keeper of Linda wimped out and went to sleep early. We tried to get Linda to tell stories about Mikey when he was growing up, but things turned ugly very quickly as Jay and Mikey started telling stories about Linda. To summarize, if you are ever invited over to Linda's for dinner, do not eat the cold vegetable soup. Billy-Bob, aka Thumper, also came by. We will probably not see much of Thumper anymore since he is no longer the keeper of Katie-Kins now that she is going home to Gaithersburg. Thumper has moved out to some slum up the street and will be spending most of the summer pressure-washing Charlotte. He intends to drop in from time to time, though, and fill us in on the details of his brother, Richard, and the continued boning of Richard's major-league, new wife, Kim. We are still jealous. Then something sad happened. Katie-Kins came by with Derrick. She stopped in to say goodbye and started crying. We felt bad, but she will still be present at IHOS; we are setting up a Katie-Kins page next week where Lamar will issue regular reports on what Katie-Kins is doing in her new home. And we will be going to DC often this summer, so we will see her regularly. We will still miss her bunches. Finally, John and Ty stopped in for a bit. John, half-blind from the overconsumption of liquid bread and Ty, still drooling all over the yard, filled us in on his job this summer. Not Ty's job...John's job as a preemie civil engineer. He is building bridges, so if you are in the Raleigh area and see a crew working on a bridge, honk your horn and say hello. Owl Report: we had a full-blown owl sighting tonight.
I saw it fly into a tree across the street, held out my arm,
and went oooooooohhhhhhhhh. At the time, I had no idea of what
it was, just that it was big and fast. No one else saw it and,
of course, did not believe that I saw anything until the owl
came flying out of the tree towards us. It did a swoop and veered
off about 20 feet from the table, flying into the trees next
door. It was big. It had big claws. It was very cool. It made
me hungry so we fixed some crab legs since we didn't have any
chicken and we didn't have the proper tools to catch and cook
the owl. |
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Sunday 17 May 1998 Well, it has finally warmed up to the point where I enjoy things. Highs in the 90s and lows in the upper 60s. High humidity and the neighborhood is very quiet and will be so for the next two weeks until NCSU starts back for the summer. Now that the weather is perfect, it is time to lay down the rules of IHOS. To start -- how to tell if IHOS is open. IHOS is open when the temperature is above 60, when it is not raining, and when the bug zapper is on. But to clarify... it may have been raining earlier in the evening, but if it is not raining now, and the other conditions are satisfied, then IHOS is open. The door may be closed and no one may be actually sitting at IHOS, but if the conditions are satisfied, then IHOS is open. When those conditions are satisfied, then you are free to drop in anytime you like. But what if the door is open, it is warm, it is not raining, and the bug zapper is not plugged in? Then you enter at your own peril. I reserve the right to kill you. No one who has committed a serious felony is allowed at IHOS unless cannibalism was involved, then we will consider making an exception. If you are a tree-hugging, yellow-spined, left-wing, liberal weenie, you enter IHOS at your own risk. I can assure you that you will be unmercifully ridiculed and made to feel like a squashed pea. On the other hand, do stop by since we may be hungry and could throw you on the grill if you have enough meat on your bones which you most likely don't since you are probably a bleeding heart vegetarian with no sense of proportion. None of the above applies to women with extremely large breasts. They are welcome at any time under any condition. IHOS is running on a bring-your-own-meat schedule this year. Last year we got conned into feeding the entire neighborhood on a regular basis and ended up spending over $7,000 for food between May and September. We will provide the peanuts, though, unless of course you have extremely large breasts. Then you can eat any of our food that you like in whatever quantity you want. We will even hand feed you while fanning you with palm fronds. You can not lie when sitting at IHOS. You can potentially embellish the truth if doing so provides for a more interesting story, but you can not out-and-out lie. Doing so is punishable by being forced to go slug hunting. Certain animals at IHOS have been elevated to almost sacred status. Among them are the rabid beaver, the black bug (but only during humping season,) the hedgehog, fireflies, earthworms, and vultures. You may not harm those animals under any circumstances. Other animals are under the penalty of death for even daring to intrude on our territory. They are the slug, the mosquito, the spider, the ant, and the gnat. You may kill them with abandon. Then there are all other animals which may or may not be slaughtered depending on what they are doing at any particular moment. For instance, June bugs can be killed at will unless we have tied a string around their little legs and are watching them fly in circles until they collapse into exhaustion. Same goes for Japanese beetles. Use your best judgment for all others. As always, any domesticated animals that wander into IHOS are off limits for extermination. They include cats, dogs, pot-bellied pigs, and cows. We have yet to see a yak in the neighborhood so we will deal with that circumstance if it should arise. Anyone who sits in the Chair of Instability is liable for their own injuries. Anyone who trips over the small step at the periphery of IHOS and falls, scraping their ankles on the garden timbers is on their own. Anyone who plays too close to the IHOS candle and sets them self on fire is on their own (and we have already determined that Pringles Potato Chips burn explosively so there is not need to repeat that experiment.) Anyone who sticks their tongue in the bug zapper is on their own. Only a select group of individuals can use the bathroom; you know who you are. Anyone else is on their own. Don't even ask. If you have to ask, you are not one of the select group. Anyone not in the select group is free to use the bushes out back, but you are on your own. (See IHOS rat.) If you are coming to IHOS, make sure that you park in a visitors spot or on the street. We are not responsible for your own stupidity when you miss the billboard-sized sign stating that you will be towed if you park in a residents spot. We will not lend you the $100 it will take to get your car back and we will spend the rest of the night making fun of you. Unless of course, you have extremely large breasts. In that case, we will give you the money and carry you on our backs to get your car. No fireworks are allowed unless you think that you will not get caught. Even so, no 400 pound aerial bombs are allowed. Sparklers are allowed, but you are on your own if you accidentally stick the 2000 degree metal rod in your eye. If Ty comes over, you are responsible for your own dry cleaning when he slobbers all over you. There will be no lighting of farts unless you are absolutely confident that such an act will result in blue flames shooting out of your ass. No other color flame s acceptable. Farting, though, without involving the act of self-immolation, is perfectly acceptable. Thursday nights are Rhino Records night (where they collect records so you don't have to.) Every Thursday, we feature at least one complete CD from the Rhino Records catalogue. From time to time, and later in the summer, we will also have some Rhino stuff to give away. We are working on some larger plans as well. I can't think of anything else at this moment and Val refuses to help; she is too busy trying to find the phone number of a mental institution to help me. |
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Monday 18 May 1998 Nice, slow, warm night. Val and I sat out and watched the grass grow. Real exciting lives we have, huh? |
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Tuesday 19 May 1998 Marty and Kayt came over for a bit this evening. Kayt looked spectacular as usual and Marty was an idiot. Then again, Marty is always an idiot. We are looking forward to the return of Kat who will be settling in to her new place this weekend. The Ho-Hos are ready. By the way, it is getting even warmer each and every day. We are happy. Slug Report: no slugs |
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Wednesday 20 May 1998 Heavy rain this evening - a complete washout. |
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Thursday 21 May 1998 A small crowd for Rhino Record night this evening since no one is back from break yet. Just Val, Mikey, and myself sitting around. Rhino Records Discography: Bar-B-Que Soul-a-Bration, a special package put together by Rhino Records (where they collect records so you don't have to.) The set contains two CD with 37 of the classic summer hits of the R&B era. And you also get a great book that includes tips on how to make the perfect grill fire, a ton or recipes, and a host of things to do that will guarantee the success of your BBQ party. |
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Friday 22 May 1998 through Monday 25 May 1998 Late evening thunderstorms essentially shut down IHOS for a stretch. But things are looking up. Starting next week we go into a really warm and dry pattern. |
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Tuesday 26 May 1998 The night was moist. Real high humidity and temperatures still in the mid-70s at 3 am. My kind of weather. We started out by dedicating our evening to an IHOS road trip to the apartment of the Babes Across the Street. Nikki, Shallon, and Sarah, along with a small contingent of the Sausage Factory were sitting on the patio enjoying the evening so Val and I thought we would wander over and join them for a bit. After about an hour, Nikki went inside to take a phone call from her primary bone and we spent the next half-hour of so making fun of her. Sarah is concerned that her primary bone's birthday is rapidly approaching and she can not find anything appropriate to give him. She wants to do something in the computer motif, but unfortunately is completely ignorant concerning anything about a computer. That's not much of a help. Shallon suggested a nekkid photograph. Val thought that some sort of composite involving Sarah's head and Anna Nicole Smith's body would be more appropriate. I thought that the real thing would be much better received. Sarah's still thinking along the lines of mousepad. At one point in the evening, someone mentioned that class was approaching along with sunrise so it might be a good time to call it a night. Val and I then went to the grocery store and procured some food. I picked up a box of Zwieback to munch on...hey, I will grant that it is technically baby food, but don't knock it till you've tried it. Val an I returned to sit at IHOS for a bit till the morning paper arrived. This is gonna be a good summer. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Wednesday 27 May 1998 We got a late start tonight since Val and I took a quick nap and ended up crawling out of bed at 2 am. And it was just as good that we missed most of the evening. Apparently, this was the Night of the Larva. Larva come in groups (hey, it's a known, scientific fact.) By the time we got outside, there were dozens of large, translucent larva crawling around the sidewalks and driveway, leaving slime trails as they slithered. Given that the bulk of all larva crawl around well prior to 2 am (hey, it's a known, scientific fact,) I can only imagine how many there were earlier in the evening. Gives me the willies just thinking about it. But now it's time for Guess That Social Circumstance... At about 4 am, two guys and two bimbos came crawling down the parking lot and drooled their way to their car parked in the street. The first bimbo got in the car, and one guy said goodbye and continued to walk through the parking lot on the other side of the street to were his car was parked. He got in the car. Meanwhile, the second guy and the second bimbo started sucking major face in the middle of the street, the slurping noises being heard all the way over where we were sitting. After a couple of minutes, the guy gets into his car and drives off while the now-sucked bimbo makes her way back down the street. As the car is driving off, the second bimbo assumes a slight crouching stance and begins creeping along the bushes towards the parking lot where the car of the first guy was parked. As she is about half-way down the lot, the guy gets out of his car, they meet, they embrace, and the sucking begins again. Two guys...two suckings...three minutes apart. Anyway, he gets back into his car and she stumbles back towards her apartment. There was no public barfing so I really didn't make a big deal out of it, but it was amusing. I wonder who will claim to be the eventual father? Rabbit Report: one baby rabbit sitting on an old tree
stump taking stock of its world. |
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Thursday 28 May 1998 Finally, we are somewhat back to normal with everyone being awake at the same time, a nice warm night, and no pounding thunderstorms bringing the wrath of the heavens down on IHOS. Jaq and Andy stopped in early before we were actually open to inform us that Jaq successfully underwent hernia surgery the day before. They apparently laid open his nard sacks and shoved a goodly portion of his intestines back into his body. After feeling his pain for about three seconds, we decided that the only appropriate thing to do was to make him laugh...laugh hard...and laugh continuously. We succeeded. Unfortunately, we were not able to physically split any stitches. We will continue. It was also time for a Wendy's run. No particular reason to mention that; just thought I would. Jim came over and brought a couple of roman candles with him...uh...uh...no, he hypothetically came over and brought some alleged roman candles with him. We would never actually possess something that is illegal in North Carolina. No, we would never do that. But given the hypothetical roman candles, we would have stuck them in the ground and lit them (had such an act been legal in North Carolina.) The subsequent cloud of smoke that blanketed the neighborhood for about 10 minutes, choking people inside their homes, was pretty bad -- presuming that such an act had occurred in the first place. The nitrites were so thick that we hoped no one downwind was pregnant...again presuming that such an event had actually occurred. Rhino Records Discography: Soul
Hits of the 70s - Volume 20. Excellent volume in an excellent
series of the greatest soul hits of all time. This is a must
have set. We will be playing more of the volumes on future Rhino
Records Nights (where they collect records so you don't have
to.) |
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Friday 29 May 1998 No one came over which is probably just as good since there was a bevy of bimbos and yahoos wandering to and from a party up the cul-de-sac all night long. At one point, five -- count 'em -- five Suburban-type things came rolling up into the parking lot only to disgorge dozens of mental midgets whose only means of purchasing those $25,000 monsters was via their daddy's wallets. None appeared to have any means to individually support themselves. The bimbos were rather stunning, though. If you had an attraction to something that looked like a cross between Quasimodo and a heroin addict. They had humps in all the wrong places and the ones that were approximately correct anatomically looked like they drooled professionally. It's times like these when we're glad that AIDS is not spread by airborne transmission. Jim Report: one Jims with dinosaurs in tow |
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Saturday 30 May 1998 I'm not even sure that you want to know about the argument which broke out at IHOS tonight, but it is so bizarre that I will tell you anyway. Jaq and Billy Bob, aka Thumper, got into a discussion involving who suffered the most pain. And not just any normal pain...wail, let me go back to the beginning. Jaq has surgery last Thursday for a hernia -- and not just your normal hernia either, but the type that makes one seem very virile when it is only an intestine causing that enlarged nard sack. Anyway, he is in a lot of pain. Well, Billy Bob was not about to abide someone actually experiencing more pain than he so he started in on the story of how he got is pecker caught in a reclining chair. Apparently he was moving a chair, hoisting it over his head and bringing it out to the truck when it started to unfold. Oh, I should tell you that he was wearing some loose-fitting gym shorts -- and only some loose-fitting gym shorts. He lowered the chair in front of him and as he put it down, his...uh...member got inserted in between the footrest and the chair frame itself. Well, when the chair hit the ground, the footrest folded back into the frame and given the normal human reaction to such an event, he stood straight up. Well you can imagine the rest. Jaq, on the other hand, related stories involving oozing, vomiting, and the sound stitches make when they get some tension on them. We decided that it was a toss-up given that two separate organs were being discussed (thought they are marginally related in most people.) Jim Report: no Jims |
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Sunday 31 May 1998 Rather uneventful evening with nothing more than Val and I sitting out in the warm, summer-like air. I almost fell asleep outside it was so nice. |
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Monday 1 June 1998 through Wednesday 3 June 1998 There was so little happening for three days that I really have nothing to report. The babes in the Apartment Across the Street were all lounging the evenings away without any excitement. Mikey was doing nothing. And Val an I were vegetating for three days. Though the National Weather Service has reported the temperature to be in the mid-90s over these three days, the actual temperature for anyone not living at the airport was in the low-100s with heat indexes approaching 115 or better. I feel like a lizard. |
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Thursday 4 June 1998 Whoa...serious hammering by thunderstorms all night long. Heavy rain, lightning, some small hail...no tornadoes this time, though. It looks like Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) is another washout this evening. We'll try again next week. Actually, we are considering moving Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) to Friday based on demand. It seems that a whole bunch of weenies who drop by IHOS have to work on Friday and can not take full advantage of Rhino Records Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) when it is on Thursday. We will consider the request and let you know. In the meantime, the garden is really liking this rain and it saves me from dragging out the hose to water every five hours of so. Oh, and we do have an update from last Sunday night. We reported that there was absolutely nothing going on; well, that was not exactly correct. Dave and Kim, our favorite trailer trash buddies, dropped by after spending 11 hours at some country music concert. Though there is no scientific causality to back up my conclusion, I would venture to say that we forgot their appearance because Kim did not take her clothes off and the odor coming off of Dave after being a yahoo in the hot sun for 11 hours fried some memory cells in our brains. |
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Friday 5 June 1998 More rain, and given the weather forecast, we are considering building an ark. |
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Saturday 6 June 1998 Still more rain. Will this ever end? What's even more bothersome is that it is getting downright cold for this time of year. The daily high was only 65 and the temperature is supposed to be going down into the mid-40s at night for the next several evenings. I think it's time to really consider building a very high wall along the US-Canadian border to keep these cold fronts out of our yard. |
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Sunday 7 June 1998 through Tuesday 9 June 1998 OK, this is insane. Not only is it raining, but it is a cold rain. Fortunately, relief is on the way with the temperatures rising back into the upper 80s during the day and the nighttime lows only supposed to be in the upper 60s. This has got to end, though, We haven't even been able to grill out in almost a week. |
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Wednesday 10 June 1998 Val's birthday was today so IHOS was closed for some special activities. |
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Thursday 11 June 1998 Slow evening with not much going on today. Once again, it is too hot for humans to live. Val and I sat out at IHOS, Mikey dropped in for a bit, and Chad came down to rant about something inane. Rhino Record Discography: Since it was slow, we decided
to do a replay of the two CD set of Frankie Valli and the Four
Seasons that we played earlier in the year. Both Vol.
1 and Vol.
2 are packed full of all their hits. |
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Friday 12 June 1998 Given that last night was a real pain, I essentially slept through tonight. Sorry. If it any consolation, I woke Val up this morning by galloping a plastic Godzilla across her butt. |
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Saturday 13 June 1998 Interesting night. Billy Bob, aka thumper, dropped in for a bit. He has been in Charlotte again this summer pressure-washing the entire city (and doing a good job based on the look of things.) He had a friend with him called Bryon who didn't say much, so there's not much to report. There were also two people waiting for him in a car. One was a guy, but the other was a major-league blonde babe who was with the guy. We never really found out anything about them. Too bad. About an hour later, things started to hop. Jay dropped in without Kay in tow who had gone home for the weekend to attend to something or other that sounded real boring so we didn't press the issue any further. Then Mikey came down along with the parental units, Linda and Dirk. Along with Val and I, we involved ourselves in a series of bizarre tales, most of which constitute felonies so I won't repeat them. Let it suffice to say that if you are driving down the road with a hog in the back seat, you'd better have a reasonable explanation when you get pulled. Then I had to step inside for a bit. When I returned, Jay, Mikey, Linda, and Dirk had mysteriously transmogrified into Marty, Kayt, and Kat. I'm not gonna say much about Marty except that he ate a boatload of Taco Bell food then started farting. Not much noise, but the stench literally warped the resin table. And unfortunately, it was a warm and calm night so the smell lingered. There is definitely something wrong with that boy's gastrointestinal system. Kat was a tad quiet given this was her first time at IHOS this season. She is back in town for good now and will be giving public demonstrations of how to suck the cream out of the middle of a HoHo from time to time. Reservations are being taken at the door. Kayt looked stunning as usual. Tonight she was wearing her Cow and Chicken tee-shirt that is way too tight to actually fit those ever-expanding hooters into. We were very happy. she also spent most of the night playing with something hanging on a cord from her neck that looked like one of those Chinese finger traps, only bigger. We figured it was some sort of nipple protector since it looked to be just about the right size for Kayt. Moon Report: the moon popped out from behind the clouds
for a moment and Jay wondered if it was actually the moon since
all you could see was a little sliver. I sat there and thought,
"what else could a half-degree slice of light shining at
-12 magnitude be?" I didn't want to mention anything, though,
since he was pining for Kay and I didn't want to upset him any
further. |
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Sunday 14 June 1998 Big rain. Heavy thunderstorms. Val, Mikey, and I watched them roll in and pummel us for hours. Finally, I got tired and kicked Mikey out about 4 AM. Back Stroke Report: Much flooding. I think the gravel
driveway next door is now in the storm sewer. |
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Monday 15 June 1998 Very slow today with almost no human movement in the neighborhood, but we did have a raft of animals for some reason. The Rat: The IHOS rat made another appearance this evening in the garden. It has gotten even larger. We think that it may have eaten a beaver or something. The Ducks: Sometime around 2 AM, a very noisy flock of ducks cruised overhead. At least we think they were ducks; we could not actually see them since they were just to our west and the moon was to our east. There were no bombardments so we are happy. The Jaq: Jaq stopped in for a minute or two to give us a nard report. His nards are healing well. He brought up the subject of him possibly wearing Spandex in his role with the band Nine Lbs at which time we became physically ill at that thought and forced him to leave until he can be civil again. The Black Bug: Many black bugs this evening and they appear to be gaining in frenziness as we approach their mating season. No boning yet, though. The Platymoth: One vary large platymoth was spotted circling the street light, but it was a smart one since it didn't go anywhere near that bug zapper. The Possum: We saw our first possum of the 1998 season tonight crossing the street on the way to the dumpster. It was a skinny one. The Slug: There was a single slug on the sidewalk tonight. We have been slug-free for weeks now and presumably must lay down some banned poisons again. The Worms: The worms are back. Actually, I don't think they are really worms; they look a bit more like a small, black catepiller, but I have never been able to see any legs. They don't have segmented bodies either, but they move like worms so for the time being they are worms. Animals we have seen in the past this year: the owl, a copperhead, a rabbit, crows, ravens, very confused seagulls, roly-poly bugs, spiders -- both the fast and slow varieties, lightening bugs, ladybugs, crickets -- normal and cave, mosquitoes, palmetto bugs, bats, chipmunk, squirrels, insane birds protecting their nests, earthworms, and the usual host of cats and dogs. Animals not yet sighted: We have not yet seen any hedgehogs which is starting to concern us greatly since 1998 is the Year of the Hedgehog. Nor have we yet seen any yaks, vultures, frogs, turtles, cows, slime molds, humpback whales, or toothed chickens. We are patient though and will continue to keep vigil. |
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Tuesday 16 June 1998 Jaq and Andy stopped by. Val and I were sitting out at the table enjoying the evening when we spy a creature looming on the eastern horizon. It was Jaq with Andy in tow. They were attending an ad hoc cookout across the street and decided to wander over while the steaks were cooking. Not 30 seconds after they arrived, we heard the noise. There are many times when we sit at IHOS and hear the screeching of tires, only to be let down when we don't hear the grinding of metal and the screaming of the injured. Well, tonight we got the Full Monty. Of course, upon hearing the breaking of glass, we decided a road trip was in order. And what a trip it was. As we rounded the corner, our hearts beating in anticipation of the potential gore, we were treated to the sight of a motorcycle laying on its side. It doesn't get much better than that, unless of course a propane truck is somehow involved, which in this case wasn't, but we take what we can get. Anyway, after a quick investigation, we were a bit let down since the injuries were only minor. No decapitation. No severed limbs. No chest cavities crushed like walnuts under a steamroller. Just some scraps and minor bruising. But it did allow for a good start on the evening. Jaq and Andy then left to eat When they finished eating, Jaq and Andy came back. Mikey and Linda also joined us. Jaq spent the rest of the evening trying to get people who were driving by to wave at him and was rarely successful. He caught a few, though, and that was enough to keep him happy. Linda actually did not join us immediately as she was schlogging her two mile daily walk around the parking lot when Jaq and Andy got here for the second time. Now, Jaq had not yet met Linda, nor did he know that Linda was Mikey's mom, so it was somewhat amusing when Jaq spotted Linda rounding the dumpster and commented on her fine ass. We let him run with that for a while before informing him of the precise relationships among the varied IHOS attendees just to see how far he could get his foot into his mouth. Did you know that a human leg can be inserted up to ones knee under the proper circumstances? Then there was Sarah. At one AM sharp, Sarah came out of here apartment and got into her car on her way to the Great Nightly Boning. We really appreciate that action on her part since it is so regular. We use it to calibrate our clocks every night. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Wednesday 17 June 1998 We had a new visitor at IHOS tonight -- Michelle. Michelle is a serious babe who is presently being occupied by Bryan, associate of Billy Bob, aka Thumper, both of whom were also in attendance this evening. Michelle is also the cousin of Jennifer, the Jennifer of whom we spoke just a few short nights ago, though we only identified her at the hot blonde who was with Thumper since we didn't really find out anything about her at the time. We have found out more since then and await her return impatiently. Linda also came down again which proved to be somewhat interesting since she and Thumper exchanged marriage vows, but they got divorced about an hour later. Obviously, there is more to that then meets the eye, but I'll get to it in a moment. Nikki and Sarah, two of the Babes in the Apartment Across the Street, also dropped in. Or rather I should say, Nikki dropped in while Sarah oozed in. Sarah spent a great amount of time this evening consuming large quantities of adult beverages and was having trouble walking. She was also having a bit of a time keeping her clothes on, but we won't go there since she probably won't remember what happened and there is no need for us to rehash the details. Nikki also has something called a Mark in tow. Mark was an interesting character. Mark had far more to drink than Sarah and was somewhat preoccupied with The Hunt given that there was little available for him to bone that evening.We offered to drill a couple of holes in one of the trees, and he perked up at that thought. We got nervous. Now, to Linda and Thumper. Mark couldn't fathom that Val and I are married; he kept insisting that Val and Thumper were in conjugical bliss while Linda and I were the ones who were married to each other. We finally managed to convince him that Val and I were actually the ones who were married, but then he got it into his head that it must be Linda and Thumper who were married. So they planned their honeymoon to Greece, built their dream house, and had about 12 kids before Mark wandered off into the night and the Linda-Thumper union was forced to break up; it was a very nasty divorce. Linda got everything under a pre-nup agreement and Thumper was left penniless, wearing only the hair on his back. The last we saw of him, he was sleeping outside the Quik-Mart on Independence Blvd. down in Charlotte, begging plugs of Red Man and RC Colas from passing Mexicans. Very sad. We also found out that Bryan is completely insane and will fit in well at IHOS as he adapts the surroundings very quickly. We may have to have him put down and grill him up if he continues on track. Oh, and Heather was looking especially hot this evening. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Thursday 18 June 1998 OK, let it suffice it to say that Kim, keeper of Richard, brother of Billy-Bob, aka Thumper, has now got some serious competition. Jennifer came over tonight. Jennifer is the cousin of Michelle. Jennifer is sultry. Jennifer is a woman who...well, who is...uh...uh...awesome. The word perfect comes to mind. Let's put it this way...when she walked up, the table itself suffered cutie field failure. When she sat down, immediately every male within three miles started making plans to weasel their way back to her place. I, being happily married of course, managed to merely stare at her hooters for only about four hours. Everything else that happened last night is insignificant in comparison, but there is one thing to note. We decided that Bryan's name is now Byron and issued him an official Lordship of his own. He is now the ruler of the Kingdom of Murphy, home to the mountain snail and gateway to the Dale of Dollywood. Oh, one other thing. Some of the babes in the neighborhood (including Linda, the Chaste by Gophers who has now been elevated to the status of babe after Jaq declared that she had a fine ass,) use the sidewalk ringing the parking lot as a track where they walk in order to maintain their svelteness. Well, there has been a raging argument lately as to how long that circuit actually is with estimates ranging from 300 feet to over 1000 feet, leading me to believe that women have no sense of distance. Anyway... I decided to settle the issue once and for all. A Raleigh police officer came cruising down the street about 2 am so I flagged him down. I informed him of the situation and requested that I be able to use his accident marking rolling stick thing to measure the babe track. He understood our plight and relented. By official measurement of a Raleigh police accident marking rolling stick thing, the distance around the parking lot is 554 feet, 7 inches, or a hair over one-tenth of a mile. I hope the babes are now happy. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Friday 19 June 1998 Strange night. To start with, we had to strip Byron of his Lordship since he was so drunk that there was no blue blood left in his body. He is now merely Sir Byron since we conferred a knighthood on him and we can not rescind that. He will be restored to Lordship status in about 30 days as soon as there is a detectable level of blood in his alcohol. Michelle, Jennifer, Billy-Bob, and the maternal parental unit of Michelle, Jill, also came by tonight. Jill is a real hoot. She is also an inexpensive date given that it takes only two drinks before she starts tearing her clothes off and doing unspeakable things with carrots. Michelle spent most of the evening trying to keep her mom's clothes on. Billy-Bob was Billy-Bob. And Jennifer was still seriously hot; this evening she was so hot that she melted the wax in all the anti-bug candles from about 40 feet away. Jennifer also used our bathroom tonight. Tomorrow I intend to remove the existing toilet and enshrine it. It's a good thing that she didn't brush up against all the furniture or I would be sitting on the floor with everything I own enshrined. Tonight was the first official Rhino Record Night (where they collect records so you don't have to) since moving it to Friday at the request of many who had difficulty making it here on Thursdays. As expected, no one who requested the switch was here tonight. Jim Report: still no Jims |
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Saturday 20 June 1998 Quiet night with Mikey, Val, Jim, and myself sitting at IHOS just enjoying the night. Then Dave and Kim, our favorite trailer trash, showed up. Kim was stunning as usual, though she had a kidney infection. I offered to join her in the bathroom just to make sure she was OK when she went to take a leak, though she insisted that such was not necessary. I insisted. She threatened to take a leak all over me if I did not get my butt out of the bathroom immediately. It's amazing how testy women get when they have kidney infections and they have to take a leak real bad. Dave, on the other hand, did not look stunning. Indeed, he was wearing a cowboy hat trying to emulate some sort of urban cowboy. The only thing missing was the spurs. But he made an admirable attempt at being a cow rounder-upper and was loud as he usually is, though this time he was a bit tempered since we only had to tell him to shut up about a dozen times. Once again, some hypothetical Roman candles appeared and were hypothetically fired off toward the street. Then some hypothetical smoke bombs appeared and created clouds of hypothetical smoke that hypothetically obscured the entire neighborhood and smelled like someone had set Marty's farts on fire. The highlight of the evening was when the Subway sandwich shop in the strip mall across the street was robbed. Now, this is about the ten-thousandth time the place has been robbed. I suspect that someone has told the foreign owners that "OPEN" is actually spelled "PLEASE COME IN AND ROB ME AT GUNPOINT" It's interesting to note that nothing else in the neighborhood ever gets robbed with the exception of the other Subway sandwich shop located about a half-mile in the other direction. He must use the same sign. Jim Report: one Jim |
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Sunday 21 June 1998 The Summer Solstice celebrations disappointed me this year. Normally, there are enough pagans living in the area that we can be assured of at least a handful of people dancing in the yard and licking trees to make being awake during the daytime worth it. It was not to be this year. The best we could do is some freak in a long, cotton dress getting into her car presumably on her way to a celebration elsewhere. Perhaps next year. The highlight of the evening was actually two-fold. The first was accomplished in a 10 hour marathon committed by Val, Mikey, and myself as we watched the sun set in the west then watched it rise again in the east with very little movement in between except to reset the CD changer. That's the first time in a long time that we have pulled an all-nighter without commercial purposes. Kayt also stopped by earlier in the evening to visit -- and she was solo this time. Apparently, she was doing the father's day thing along with all the other people she lives with, though the others were not yet home. So in a fit of raging boredom, she decided to grace our presence. Given that it was the Summer Solstice, we could have opted to reflect on philosophy, religion, or some branch of astronomy even, but we opted to comment on her world-class hooters for about an hour; it was a much more stimulating subject. We also had another visitor, Mary. Mary lives up the street with Beth, keeper of Murdock, Small Dog of Fuzzy Fur (a name bestowed by the great Indian shaman, Long Prong.) Mary is a chicken farmer. Well, technically, she is a doctoral candidate in poultry science, but chicken farmer sounds far more approachable to the layman. Mary explained to us that a chicken egg is really nothing more than a chicken uterus with a shell. So much for ever eating eggs again. Jay and Kay also came by about the time the sun was going down to say hello. They stayed far longer than they wanted to since both had to get up the next morning, but we heard some very fine stories about Kay's twin sister and her mom. Kay comes from a frightening family. Jim Report: no Jims |
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Monday 22 June 1998 Jaq's got da Funk. Or at least we think so. We got into an extended discussion of how one should play the bass guitar this evening with Jaq, Andy, Val, and myself. I contend that the only way to properly play the bass is to fly-thump the thing like Louis Johnson of Brothers Johnson fame. Jaq feels that a more sedate playing style is perhaps in order. I, of course, was right, and Jaq finally admitted that he could fly-thump if necessary. We will have to see about that. For a short time we had an overlap of two different IHOS cohorts who had not yet met each other for while Jaq and Andy were here, Marty and Kat dropped in. Marty turned out to be a wimp this evening, mumbling something about being tired and having to get up for work early the next morning so they ended up leaving shortly after they arrived, but while they were here, there was some serious chemistry going on between Jaq and Kat. Not that Kat was herself participating in the erotic interaction, or that Jaq would have reacted any differently if anyone of the female persuasion had sat down next to him at the table, but it was interesting to watch Jaq sweat for awhile anyway. Jim also came by earlier to say hello prior to consuming slabs of dead cow that were being prepared b |