The Consolidated Entries 1999


Thursday,1 April 1999

It looks like we are one day away from the formal opening of IHOS, though we were intending to begin this evening. It turned out that it rained all day and washed us out tonight, though we may actually get in a preliminary practice round later on. That will be different than the preliminary practice round we got in two weeks ago which didn't count as the formal opening of IHOS because we knew it was too early and we would have shot our wad too soon and there were no semi-naked babes roaming around yet. Meanwhile...

Here is the list of characters from prior years and what they are doing now...

Billy Bob - Billy Bob, aka Thumper, has moved back in upstairs next door to where he lived with Katie Kins so he is now his own neighbor if one discounts the time lapse which is an easy thing to do when one is busy grilling steaks. Billy Bob has been held single-handedly responsible for the utter devastation of the N.C State sports programs and its losing season in all Division One contests -- both male and female teams. He is also getting more socially adept now that he has two years of college behind him and has finally learned how to put together complete sentences. Billy Bob has also become an expert in jock straps over the winter season and will gladly tell you all there is to know about them if you merely ask.

Katie Kins - Katie Kins has completely disappeared off the face of the Earth at least with respect to IHOS. She occasionally keeps in touch with Billy Bob who gives us Katie Kins reports from time to time. She is living up in Gaithersburg, Maryland, her ancestral home, and working as a bartender while attending graduate school in some subject that has no hope of career placement or advancement. We have offered to move her back down here and keep her up in the style to which she is accustomed if she will remain naked for the greater part of her stay here.

Kim and Dave - Both are doing well and still living in a haven for White Trash in a trailer somewhere north of nowhere. Dave still has no ass and Kim's hooters are still growing. Actually, they dropped in this evening to put in a cursory appearance at the preliminary inauguration of IHOS 1999 and Kim thrilled us by wearing a white shirt complete with protruding nipples (there is a distinct advantage for us when the chill is still in the air. Dave has a new job doing something with slime molds in vats that we really don't want to discuss and his internet design business is taking off (it's at for those who want to know.) Kim graduated and is working at some aluminum extruding company which really has nothing to do with her first love of latex, but it will do for now. Once again, Kim is hemorrhaging.

Jim and Leigh - One of the more amazing stories of the off-season involves those two. Leigh is pregnant. We're not sure how it happened since wait, that's Jak that only has one nard, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Yes, it is true. Jim has spawned. We only hope that the tenacity of Leigh's genetic material will overwhelm that donated by Jim and the kid turns out to be non-homicidal. Well...we CAN hope, can't we? Jim and Leigh bought a house this past winter and have not been seen to any great extent since their new money pit has kept them rather busy. We tried to warn him that it is far less expensive to live in a pup-tent, but he wouldn't listen to reason; he decided to listen to Leigh which will probably be his downfall in the long run.

Jaq - Still Jaq. Still working at Al-Mart, now in a senior management position. Still has only one nard. Still trying to get women to go out to dinner with him. Still trying to avoid criminal charges of pedophilia. Still playing bass with 9Lbs. Still driving the Jaq mobile. Still dreaming of Lucy the Love Lamb.

PJ - While living in Charlotte, he has bought a house, still works at his job in the computer industry, and might have gotten boinked during the winter season. Not that we are completely sure of that latter fact, but we understand that his lawn mower was stolen a short while back and the only thing we know of that could separate a Real Man from his lawn mower would be if it was stolen while he was distracted. And the only thing that would create such a major diversion is is one were playing ride the horsie at the time of the theft. The saddle soap and udder cream that Dave noticed while visiting PJ also lent credence to the assumption.

Andy - Andy is back in Raleigh after having been living in Charlotte for a time supposedly involved in some sort of black market involving udder cream. We are still investigating that connection.

The Babes in the Apartment Across the Street - The Goddess, Jan, is no more. She has moved from the Apartment Across the Street to another apartment across a different street. We still see her from time to time, leaving drooling men in her wake as she drives or walks by, but it is not the same. Since she no longer lives across the street, there is no longer a chance that we might see her run naked into the parking lot screaming for someone to come kill a spider in the bathroom. Not that any such thing may have ever happened anyway, but the probability has just been drastically reduced. Sarah is still Sarah, though she has calmed down a bit. She now only sneaks off three or four times per week and the time at which she sneaks off is no longer consistent. Nikki has disappeared for all practical purposes. Last fall she became joined at the hip to a new primary squeeze and has since been totally assimilated into his internal organs. Occasionally she can be spied in fleeting glances. Shallon has now been officially elevated to the status of Goddess, not due to the demise of Jan in that Shallon is taking her place, but earned on her own. Shallon has changed somehow over the winter season and has developed curves that are almost unnatural -- not in a freakish sort of way, but as in the sinewy curves of a Playboy centerfold curled up under a waterfall wrapped up in a snake. Indeed, just last week as she was out washing her car wearing little to leave any possibility of imagination, Raleigh-Durham International Airport had to alter the landing patterns of overhead planes due to the distraction she was creating even at 30,000 feet. We are pleased to report that she will be around all summer.

Will - We received a single e-mail from Will over the winter. As some of you may remember, Will joined one of the branches of the military and was last seen proudly marching off to boot camp. Bookies in Las Vegas only gave him a 200 to 1 shot at actually surviving the ordeal to which he voluntarily submitted. Apparently he survived. Either that or he queued up a whole bunch of e-mails on delayed delivery so that everyone would think that he survived. If we actually see him this summer, we will duly report the sighting, but until then, I'm still putting my money on his body being found at the bottom of the water pit on an obstacle course somewhere in South Carolina.

Chad - Chad still lives upstairs and is about to finish up his senior year. That, combined with his (now) long-standing attachment to a one Shante, has made his a bit loopy. That woman has had such an effect on him that he rarely even speaks of Disney products anymore. He also talks far less of computers. In fact, he has gotten very quiet lately, preferring to rather stare off into space mouthing the name Shante over and over than to engage in conversation with us mere mortals. Actually, we don't believe that Chad has become stand-offish, but instead is very afraid of what we will do to him when Shante is present so he hides her and avoids any significant contact.

John - John continues to live next door and is seen from time to time tooling around the neighborhood. John, like the rest of us at IHOS, is primarily a creature of the warmth and will not completely emerge until later this spring.

Greg - Former roommate of John, has now moved on to other things having graduated from State and entering the real world of careerness. Last time we saw him, Greg had grown even more and is now 10 foot, eight inches tall and weighs 2700 pounds. We saw him briefly not two weeks ago chasing a head of cattle down the street, tackling it, and eating it raw in the front yard of some Hindu woman. We're not sure which was worse -- the woman's screams or those of the cow's.

Lay-Varr and Crew - Gone. No more. Left town and never to be seen again. Probably dead or seriously injured. I expect them to drop in during the next several weeks.

Heather and Not Heather - completely disappeared from the face of the Earth. Though they still live across the street, both of them have become permanently attached to primary squeezes and do not come out anymore.

Travis - Travis, along with Chad, is now working with Val and myself with a new company we have formed called PagePlanet Software, Inc. We develop a product called Modular Gateway Interface, or MGI. If you want to see what it does, check out the web site. Travis is still trying to collect a bevy of ho's, and has almost gotten close to actually amassing a bevy seed from time to time. Then his date finds out about the blow-up dolls and his proclivity for seedless grapes and playpens. They generally run away. One actually stuck around for s time, but it was not long enough to collect a bevy, so Travis continues his quest while eating crackers and drinking water at a furious pace. Perhaps if he were to clean up the chicken feathers and sheep fur our of his bathtub he would have more luck. We will work with him.

Steve - Feeling much better now that the thyroid hormone replacement therapy has fully stabilized the hypothyroidism. I've also lost about 30 of the pounds I put on and continue to lose weight; eventually I'll get back down to where I was. One promising thing occurred a couple of months ago. It was understood that, though Levoxyl is technically a hormone, it is not the one that would cause the Royal Penis to grow to extraordinary proportions. Well, one morning I got all excited when I looked down and the Member appeared to have grown significantly. As it turned out, it was just a function of losing weight and I could now once again actually see the thing. The Royal Penis and myself will continue to hope.

Val - Val survived yet another year trapped in the apartment with me. She thinks that she has the tax filing thing down pretty pat, so this tax season folks should not have to worry about Val biting their heads off if they get within 50 yards of her.

Friday, 2 April 1999

Given that it is Easter weekend and that most folks have taken off to parts unknown, we were rather pleased at the turnout for the official opening of the 1999 IHOS season. The initial assembly consisted of myself, Val, and Billy Bob, aka Thumper. We were joined briefly by Chad who had just returned from Winston-Salem and was tired and cranky so we allowed him to go to sleep. Travis even dropped in for a moment, but had to leave when he realized that there were people who he barely knew that had a key to his apartment staying for the weekend and that he had better go home to make sure that everything was still intact.

Early in the evening, Dawn and Katy, two IHOS virgins, dropped in to share in the festivities. Katy is from New Hampshire and we spent a great deal of time making sure that she was a conservative and not a tree-hugging, liberal weenie until we realized that it is Vermont that is populated by tree-hugging, liberal weenies. Anyway, she had some neat stories to tell of her ten year old son who is at the age where beating the snot out of his female classmates is how kids show that they like each other. I was tempted to demonstrate to Val how much I really cared for her, but the glare in her eye and her proximity to sharp objects gave me second thought. Dawn was in somewhat of a pissy mood most of the early portion of the evening because some third cousin of a sister-in-law twice removed did something stupid earlier in the day and Dawn was still trying to figure out how she was going to dispose of the body without leaving a trail of evidence. Things like that can weigh on a person's mind, but she got over it.

Anyway, about three CDs into the evening (all Rhino Record releases, of course, since Friday night is Rhino Record night at IHOS, where they collect records so you don't have to,) we decided that it was time to formally open IHOS. As such, we played the IHOS anthem, Flashlight by Parliament, did a rousing version of the Mandela Jam, proclaimed Power to the People, and 1999 began.

The first thing of note this season involved Carrie, who looks exactly like Minnie Driver. She came wandering down looking a bit sheepish. Before I tell you what she wanted, it is worth to note that the first time I met Carrie was when she was moving into her apartment last year and she got locked out. Myself, of course, having inside connections in every arena of any importance on Earth, knew exactly who to contact in the event of such an emergency. As such, I called maintenance and they came to let her into her new apartment. Seven months later, Carrie had not changed a bit. She had locked herself out of her apartment again. We came to her rescue, let her use the phone to call her roommate Heather who was over at her main squeeze's place to come home and let her in. That gallant task accomplished, we turned out attention back to IHOS.

Grey Cat, the neighborhood feline, came by on her nightly prowl except this evening was a bit out of the ordinary for her. Grey Cat is in heat. Grey Cat was making noises as she strolled that sounded a bit like Satan unleashing a million demons from the pits of hell. Grey Cat had better either get boned fairly quickly or go out of heat because there is no way that we are gonna put up with that noise for very long. We would have helped the situation along, but we are not in possession of a male cat and Travis had already left for the evening. We'll try and come up with a solution by tomorrow night's prowl.

We saw our first Puzz of the year. For those who are unaware, a Puzz is some kind of flying insect-moth type thing that has a tiny body and large off-white wings that flap rapidly in a ball shape. They kind of float around and look like a piece of fuzz with an attitude. Hence the name Puzz. He floated off into the night, but his presence on the inaugural night gave us hope for the coming summer.

We also caught our first bee of the season in the bug zapper. It gave us a good three minute frying complete with acrid bee vaporization and an occasional flame. We were happy.

Right at the close of the night, Mark from across the street dropped in to say hey. Mark will probably not remember stopping in. Nor will he remember letting out a whoop when his roommates came home. Nor will he remember his roommates mooning him from across the parking lot for letting out a whoop when they came home.

We were hoping that Sarah and Julie would stop in when they got home from bar hopping, but at 3 am, they still weren't home so we decided to close up for the evening because there was no way that we were going to sit there until noon or so when they finally decided on a means of escaping from the cuties they skanked at whatever bar they were at and wandered back home looking like they had been rode hard for ten or twelve hours. I mean, Sarah's a hot babe, but even we have our limits.

Jim Report: unfortunately, no Jims since he is somewhere in Michigan either visiting relatives for the holiday or on a field trip to see how tires are made.
Bimbo Report: four bimbos who live across the street next to Mark and one lone bimbo with no known address.
Slug Report: no slugs
Grill Report: we decided not to drag out the grill for opening night since we are suspiciously out of meat. It appears that we forgot to restock our freezer for the summer with rib-eyes, and chicken fingers do not grill well.
Anteater Report: given that 1999 is the Year of the Anteater, we were all a mite disappointed that we have not been able to find a suitable concrete anteater to place in the garden, but we will continue to search. We might even commission one to be created for us.

Saturday, 3 April 1999

Very quiet and very nice IHOS this evening. No one is around this weekend, so we got to relax. Val and I cooked out some huge meat, sharing it with Billy Bob, aka Thumper, since he was looking so pitiful. Carrie dropped in for a while and needed to borrow a casserole dish to make eggplant stuff that probably tasted very good, but the whole thought of eggs growing on plants then being left laying around on the ground till they ripen is a bit too much for me to stomach. She brought us some cake and didn't even break the casserole dish.

Grey Cat was seen prowling and howling again. This really has to stop. And it should shortly since Travis is due back in town tomorrow.

The garden is now weeded and ready to accept plants. Unfortunately, no one has many plants yet since there is still a chance of a frost in the next ten days or so, though I don't think it is likely this year. In the meantime, all living creatures have been destroyed and for the next three weeks, any woman who plans a pregnancy sometime in the next several months should avoid the garden entirely. We await the arrival of the plants sometime after 15 April. This year we intend to get a whole bunch of exotic stuff that would never even be found within ten thousand miles of Raleigh. We especially want a plant that can eat children who wander to close.

Jim Report: no Jims since he is still on his fact-finding mission.
Bimbo Report: even as quiet as it was, there was a sporadic bimbo wandering through the parking lot.
Puzz Report: several Puzzes were sighted, one actually venturing under the umbrella
Screeching, Flying Thing Report: no screeching, flying things

Sunday, 4 April 1999

The Nathan's Hot Dogs were cooking tonight, I tell you. After some wicked thunderstorms came through and almost threatened to shut out IHOS tonight, the skies cleared and the table dried off and we opened.

Travis got back from his ancestral home to stop by. Unfortunately, Grey Cat did not roam through this evening, so Travis didn't have much to do except sit awhile and eat hot dogs. Billy Bob, aka Thunper, also wandered down after having taken a significant nap and never really quite woke up enough to engage in meaningful conversation. An occasional grunt, perhaps, but that is about all.

Shallon stopped in with Madison her dog. Madison is a Golden Retriever that is but a puppy. A large puppy. A large puppy that is growing larger everyday. And growing teeth as well. We expect that before long we will see Madison dragging furniture out into the front yard, tearing in apart, and generally playing. Shallon looked magnificent as usual and Travis almost experienced cutie field failure.

By the way, it was a hair over 90 degrees today, but I'm afraid it will not last. Those same thunderstorms brought with them a small mass of cold air. It is supposed to get down to the low 40's Monday night. The temperature is due to rebound into the 80's by Wednesday, though. It's just as well that we will probably have to suspend IHOS for a night or two anyway since we are again out of meat.

Jim Report: no Jims; still on assignment
Tiki Torch Report: the tiki torches are in full bloom now and are warding off bugs even though there are not that many at this time of the year. We are attempting to preempt their arrival.
Pollen Report: several of us washed out cars several times today, but the pollen kept coming. Since every car in every lot is fully yellow-green at this point, we have to study the car's body lines to determine which one is who's

Monday, 5 April 1999

Cold. Way too cold. This is insane.

Tuesday, 6 April 1999

Stupid. Way too stupid. All day long it never got out of the low 60s. So I figured that it was probably going to crawl back into the mid-40s like it did last night. IHOS was abandoned. If I had only opened the door for just a moment at any time before I went to get my newspaper at 5 am I would have discovered differently.

It seems that right after the sun went down, it started warming up. In fact, by 5 am, the temperature was in the mid-60s and still climbing. Since the sun had not actually risen yet, I decided to sit out at the table for about ten minutes or so in order to get in an official IHOS for the evening. No one else seemed to share my enthusiasm since it was a bit sparse, i.e., I was sitting there by myself. But the point was made and I am pleased to report that birds actually do get up that early in the morning to do whatever birds do at that hour of the morning.

Jim Report: still no Jims. Probably sleeping in some flea trap somewhere in Michigan
Bimbo Report: though it was very early (or very late as the case may be) I did not see any bimbos making their way out of some strangers apartment in an attempt to get home before the sun came up. I mean, it was a Tuesday. Generally, bimbos don't go into heat till Thursday.

Wednesday, 7 April 1999

Nice night with some special visitors. Troy and Ann, the paternal and maternal parental units of Caroline, aka Chicken Legs, paid us a visit this evening. We consumed tremendous quantities of crab legs and talked of simpler times many years ago when one could watch whole sections of medium-sized cities burn to the ground during the riots of the 1960s. Such fun things rarely happen anymore; kids today just don't know what they are missing. Both Troy and Ann are graduates of the University of North Carolina, but we refused to hold that against them. Even so, the disease of their stay at UNC has been mostly obliterated by having two offspring attend North Carolina State University. I'm sure that they were initially disappointed, but realized their good fortune when they discovered that their children would now have marketable skills with which to support them in their old age -- unlike the situation would have been had the kids gone to UNC.

Billy Bob, aka Thunper, stopped in for a moment on his way out to retrieve a babe. He was supposed to come right back and eat crab legs with us, but apparently got sidetracked somewhere. He probably spent several hours at her place fixing the sink or something. He and the babe eventually came back over, but by the time they returned, I was in a violently ill mood and yelled at Billy Bob for no apparent reason. I will have to make it up to him and his babe by cooking them steaks one night soon. Or I could simply just not tell his babe the next time she comes over about Thumper's little problem...but we don't want to go there now.

Jim Report: no Jims. Apparently he is too busy attending retread seminars to bother sending us a postcard.
Tiki Torch Report: I am amazed at how long the juice lasts in the new tiki torches. Far longer than the ones we have had in previous years. I must get some more soon.
Bimbo Report: one moderately endowed bimbo running to her car. We were pleased.
Babes in the Apartment Across the Street Report: We had a Shallon sighting, a Nikki sighting, and a Sarah sighting all in the same evening. As it warms up, we hope to see more of them -- literally and figuratively.

Thursday, 8 April 1999

A calm night with only Carrie stopping in for a visit. Well, an extended visit. Kim and Dave offered us a drive-by in a brief appearance on their way to some concert featuring a bevy of naked women or something like that. Then we noticed that no one was around at all. It seems that most everyone in the neighborhood went to the same concert. So we waited.

At 11 PM sharp, they started rolling back in. Literally. It was bimbo and yahoo central for the next hour or so as folks started returning from the concert in various stages of inebriation. Unfortunately, there were no actual naked women roaming around, those apparently having been left at the venue.

Nonetheless, I am pleased to report that Carrie, the original subject of this post, did not lock herself out of her apartment tonight.

Travis stopped in for a bit after Carrie left to wait for the arrival of the bimbo parade (not Carrie, but those who had done the concert thing) and got tired before the Great Gumbah March.

Jim Report: no Jims
Slug Report: one lone slug which may be an aberration, or may be a sign of things to come. Time for the metaldehyde again.
Insane Moth Report: a valuable lesson was learned tonight in inertia. When you take a large, dense moth, combined with excessive speed, and said moth strikes you in the forehead -- it hurts. The moth is now captured in a jar after having been struck violently with a pipe wrench while in flight and we are watching it suffer.

Friday, 10 April 1999

Our first public puking of the year. Some moron who could not hold his beer decided to let loose in the middle of the street. We, of course, made fun of him as he hurled. Nothing much else happened except we noted that Jaq still only had one nard. Come to think of it, he has not been around in a while. Perhaps he went to the hospital to undergo a nard transplant? Film at 11.

Jim Report: no Jims. By now he probably has a Michigan accent and is drinking Old Milwaukee beer.

Saturday, 11 April 1999

We tried to get IHOS opened tonight, but things proved to be somewhat too pollinated for our liking. Tree spunk was everywhere and continues to rain down. I had to take an antihistamine and my brain is now rattling around in my head like a pea. Not very nice of my brain to dehydrate and shrivel up like that. Snot is flowing freely and we all just decided to stay in tonight.

Sunday, 12 April 1999

Whoops. Rain approaching. Cold front approaching. Not good. On a brighter note. Billy Bob has returned from Myrtle Beach and brought us a small bag of sand. Several million more and we can build our own beach. We also had a very special visitor this evening -- Michael Bell, aka Bubba. He stopped in on his way from Boston to Chicago. Now, let's think about that for a moment...

Chicago is almost due west of Boston. Raleigh, is almost due south of Boston by like 800 miles. In fact, Boston-Raleigh-Chicago makes a nice equilateral triangle with Raleigh at the inverted vertex. So how did he manage to get to Raleigh? Not even he knows. One thing that tipped us off to the fact that Michael is not altogether right is when he told us that the mountains he drove through on his way down from Boston were very pretty. But wait...

Boston to Raleigh is a straight shot down I-95 with one single turn at I-40 when you get half-way through North Carolina. The only thing along that route that passes for a mountain is a landfill outside of Edison, New Jersey. We asked him is he started on his way to Chicago, then decided to come to Raleigh. He said no. His intention was to come directly to Raleigh from Boston, then go from Raleigh to Chicago. That rules out him changing his mind somewhere in Ohio and having to cross back over the Blue Ridge in order to get here. He does, though, remember approaching Raleigh from the west. That would make sense if he actually went through the mountains. We then asked him is he grew up in the 1960s and if he actually remembered any of it? He is too young so it rules out the possibility of some really bad flashbacks with images of mountains.

Anyway, we cooked some crab legs and munched for an hour or so, then moved it inside when it started to get moist outside. And since Michael brought us a large, yellow candle that looks like a tumor to put out on the table, we will forgive him for his lack of spatial orientation ability.

Mosquito Report: Val is reporting an increasing number of mosquito attacks and is going to purchase her 1999 vat of topical antihistamine goop cream this week.

Monday, 12 April 1999

Hey, this is April in North Carolina. It's not supposed to be this cold.

Tuesday, 13 April 1999

Cold, seriously cold.

Wednesday, 14 April 1999

OK, this is getting a bit ridiculous. There is no way that it is supposed to be this cold. I mean...we're talking scattered frost at night.

Thursday, 15 April 1999

Well, it warmed up, but now it's raining. Perhaps we DID try to open IHOS a bit early this year. Unfortunately, that rain represents a cold front heading out way and the weather forecast does not look very good for IHOS for the next week or so. Really big pool of cold air coming out way with nice daytime highs in the 60s, but lows in the lower 40s and upper 30s. I suppose we will suspend IHOS for a week or so since it would get somewhat boring just letting everyone know that we are freezing our schlongs off every night. So I will see you next week. Go away now.

Friday, 21 May 1999

IHOS is back with a vengeance. After a month of essentially crappy weather, cold, rain, small mammals humping in the front yard, and other apocalyptic events, I think we are finally going.

Dave, keeper of Kim, and an IHOS virgin named Mark (who is a microbiologist desperately trying to become a neurobiologist) stopped by after the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Mark went to a small college in Iowa called Grennell or some such thing -- not to be confused with Cornell, a prestigious university with a pitiful football team located somewhere in Ivy League country. Dave still has no ass which may or may not be associated with the physical location of Cornell; we will research that more extensively tomorrow. Kimbies did not come along with Dave since she is a wimp.

Before Dave and Mark arrived, though, we had a visit from Billy Bob, aka Thunper, aka Young Bill, a moniker he picked up today since he shaved all his facial hair off. It really makes him look ten years younger which is probably bad since he is only 21 to begin with. Billy Bob wimped out very early, mumbling something about being tired; something about doing 130,000 crunches in two minutes during a P.E. Class earlier in the day.

Shallon stopped by after work and was not in a very good mood.. It seems that some drunk wandered into the bar she works at cut in several places, probably a result of messing with Slim. Then some other drunk came in a threw up all over their bathroom, which of course Shallon had to clean up. She had enough steam left in her, though, to show Mark her ass, uh...her tattoo. Mark was impressed as is everyone who gets to look at Shallon's ass,

Mitch wandered in shortly after the bars closed having consumed all the alcohol on the face of the planet. We are pleased to report that Mitch is still being faithful to the babe he recently acquired, a babe that is currently in New York or some such place up near Cornell. Mitch has gone about a week now resisting the advances of a plethora of women, some from his past of whom he has known Biblically, and others who have recently arrived on the scene looking for wood in all the wrong places. And he met his match tonight -- even I was proud of him.

Shortly after Mitch arrived, a mountain came strolling down the street. This guy was about six-four and 225. He was obviously not in a very good mood. He passed with only a modicum of ridicule on our part. Following him was a Babe. Since we had officially lit the IHOS candle, she was attracted to the light and came up to IHOS. We immediately suspected that the mountain and the Babe were somehow connected and we were proven correct when our inquiry evoked the tragic story offered by Michelle. We will not bore you with the details since they do not include murder, sodomy, or consumption of sweetened iced tea, but let it suffice to say that it looks like Michelle is once again single. She was also a tad inebriated. She was also feeling lonely. She was also in need of much more alcohol of which Mitch was in the possession thereof. No amount of coercion on the part of Michelle could persuade Mitch to take her up to his apartment for the purpose of consuming alcohol and other forms of consumption. The hints were not subtle either. I mean, it's difficult to pick up mixed signals when a drunken Babe who has just had a fight with her boyfriend grabs you by the hand and begs you to take her up to your place for a drink. Mitch finally had enough of the temptation, bolted up out of his chair, and announced that he was going to fix himself a salad since he was hungry. He scurried off into the night leaving Michelle looking somewhat forlorn and considerably horny. Mark was so stunned at the whole thing that he suffered cutie field failure and was unable to step in to take the reins. Michelle wandered off into the night in the opposite direction from Mitch and the potential boning ended with Mitch's recently-found monogamy intact.

Jim Report: no Jims tonight, though Jim did stop by after midnight in the early morning hours of Friday so I suppose it counts. On the other hand, given what comments Jim allegedly and jokingly made to his pregnant wife, now beginning to look like a manatee from all accounts, it may be that Jim will be stopping by much more often.
Slug Report: no slugs
Blond Goddess Across The Parking Lot Report: the Blond Goddess was seen today wearing a very small bathing suit while walking her dog in the front yard. The disruption in the space-time continuum could be heard as the fabric of time itself was rent in two. We are going to ask her not to do that again without warning since the human heart generally can not stand such a strain.
Tumor-Like Candle Report: we officially lit the 1999 IHOS candle this evening, a candle so graciously offered as a sacrifice to IHOS by our very own Michael Bell, aka Bubba. It was a flaming success, though it proved a bit difficult to put out at the end of the evening. Now if we could only figure out how to scrape hot wax off of human skin we would have it made.
Rhino Record Night Discography Report: unfortunately, we could not have Rhino Record night (where they collect records so you don't have to) this evening as planned since we have a sound system problem. We did hum some old Motown tunes, though, and will get the speakers working as soon as day breaks or noon comes around, whichever is later in the day.

Saturday, 22 May 1999

These people are all insane. Who you might ask? Why, those who stop in at IHOS.

I thought it would be a relatively quiet evening at the start when it was just myself, Val, Billy Bob aka Thumper, and Lord Byron (who appeared after a year's absence.) But Noooooo. Billy Bob and Lord Byron retired early in order to watch two Hispanics beat the crap out of each other on some pay-per-view boxing thing and, once they left, the thundering herd dropped in.

A car pulls up and disgorges Jim, PJ, Dave, and Ryan. I suppose I should start with Ryan since he was an IHOS virgin, even though he had been here before, but he has been gone so long that his virginity returned. Ryan is a programmer with a sadistic streak. He spent much of the night bouncing up and down to get a closer view of the bug zapper and spent almost as much time trying to think of ways to catch vermin that could be physically inserted into the bug zapper. He made a nice addition to the evening. Ryan is married, though, and will probably not be showing up much, unlike Jim who will be showing up alot if he doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut while commenting on his wife's increasing girth as a result of her pregnancy.

Apparently, the reason Jim was allowed out this evening was the result of his placing his head on the enlarging midsection of Leigh and making some comment relating to her being so big that she was creating her own internal weather systems. That was in response to a series of noises being emitted from said girth, probably the result of the Jim Spawn getting rowdy, or perhaps coming from a bit higher up near the stomach region since Leigh has (allegedly) turned into a horking pig, devouring anything that does not eat her first. Anyway, Ryan probably would not say such things to his wife, JoAnn (capital 'A", no "e", no space, no hyphen) who we suspect would shove him in the food processor if he ever tried such a thing.

PJ proved to be rather interesting this evening as well. He actually got out a complete English sentence on his own -- no prompting was necessary. We were all so stunned at the utterance that we forget what he actually stated, though it was apparently of little consequence since we are talking about PJ here. He did fart, however. And it was a very good one.

Dave still has no ass.

Well into the evening, somewhere around one AM, a car pulled up into the parking lot across the street and a guy got out. He walked over to a small tree and picked a leaf off of it. Then he took a tape measurer out and measured the circumference of the base of the tree. He got back in his car and left. Now, we're not talking about some Redwood or 300 year-old oak or even anything beyond a run of the mill apartment tree that was only planted two years ago. We have no idea what that was all about other than we are aware of the School of Forestry right up the road from us. Nonetheless, there are certainly far more interesting trees that that one.

Then Mitch cam home. Mitch had three people in tow -- literally. One was so drunk that he could not figure out how to sit in a chair. That one decided after about ten minutes that he was going home. So he walked off into the night. Unfortunately for him, he lives about three miles away. We didn't read of any squashed people in the Sunday newspaper, but is was after deadline when he wandered off so maybe we just have to wait until Monday.

Then Greg came home. Greg is you remember is the mountain that used to live next door and will be moving back in next week. Greg is yet increasing in size and is now estimated to be fourteen foot, seven inches tall and weigh 3200 pounds. Greg was (shall we say) somewhat intoxicated. In other words, his head and arm were hanging out of the passenger side of his truck window. Literally hanging since he was completely incapable of animation. Yet, once parked, the giant awoke and demanded that someone take him home. Five other guys that were in the truck didn't know whether to bust out laughing or accede to the demands knowing that if they didn't, their lives might be cut short. One elected to take Greg home, About ten minutes later, they came driving back with Greg still in tow. We never found out exactly what happened, but we speculate that Greg forgot where he lived and the guy driving didn't know to begin with. By that time, Greg was in total hibernation and didn't seem to care.

Jim Report: one Jim
Screeching, Flying Thing Report: one screeching, flying thing seen by Billy Bob and noted after the fact since he didn't give any audible warning while it was swooping down, sizing us up as potential dinner.
Bimbo Report: a smattering of bimbos, none of any particular consequence
Flag Report: the American Flag is once again flying proudly in the front of the house. If it comes off the wall now it is because a tornado has removed the wall

Sunday, 31 May 1999

Well, we're in one of those weird weather patterns where it is nice and warm during the day, but dry and cool at night. Hopefully this will break soon and it will become roasting during the day and hot and moist at night. Last year, it didn't get perfect until the last week in May, os we're only about a week behind at this point. Things should be rolling on a nightly basis shortly.

In the meantime, we are sad to announce that the babes in the apartment across the parking lot (as opposed to the Babes in the Apartment Acorss the Street) have kinda moved. Two of them actually moved into our cul-de-sac, but the blonde goddess moved around the corner. As soon as it warms up, we will put up a light and see if we can attract her back.

Jim called last night to inform us that he has found an anteater to place in the garden. He will bring it over to us soon -- probably sooner that he would like since Leigh is due to throw him out of the house again when he makes another beached whale joke at her expense.

Tuesday, 1 June 1999

Nice warm night, but still a bit dry and breezy. Either this breaks soon, or we start building outdoor saunas to emulate true summer.

Billy Bob, aka Thunper, made an outstanding discovery today. The dreaded rabbit actually lives under the front deck of the building. And we have previously determined that it has babies. We are deciding what to do next.

Wednesday, 2 June 1999

Just Val and I sitting out at IHOS enjoying the steadily dropping temperatures. It has finally gotten truly hot during the day, but the humidity is so low that it starts getting cool when the sun goes down. And it get cool real quick.

Round about 10 PM, Val was trying to say something while her teeth were chattering and we decided to call it a night.

Jim Report: No Jims
Rock Report: two new rocks have shown up in the garden. This is getting a bit out of hand. I mean, we go to sleep and new rocks appear by morning. We considered that the rocks may perhaps be propagating, but have yet to find any evidence of rock spunk. We will continue to investigate.
Slug Report: no slugs yet, though we have not thrown down any slug poison. We suspect that the lack of slugs is due to the cool nights combined with no rain for several weeks. We will continue to investigate this as well.

Thursday, 3 June 1999

Today is our anniversary. Jaq and Andy stopped in to say hello, though not knowing it was our anniversary, they did not wish us a happy anniversary until we properly informed them and threatened to kill them if they did not wish us a happy anniversary. Jared, aka J-A-R-A-D, aka Don was not with them so we spent several hours talking about Jared, aka J-A-R-A-D, aka Don, making up stories that could probably be true under the right circumstances. After we finished, we realized what a complete pervert he would be if all the stuff were actually true. We will not go into specific details here just in case Jared, aka J-A-R-A-D, aka Don should read this and become influenced by what he read.

Jim Report: no Jims
Rabbit Report: the rabbit family is still living under the porch and I have decided that I am now a protector of rabbits even though they eat my plants from time to time. What changed my mind on this was watching one of them eat part of the lawn. I mean , the thing was hungry, but because it has been so dry, the rabbits are reduced to eating grass. He sat there, nibbling for a couple of seconds then popping his head up to scan the surroundings for predators. Eat. Scan. Eat. Scan. For about 20 minutes he kept it up. I figure that anything that defenseless that has to be constantly aware of its surroundings just to chow down needs protection. Therefore, rabbits are now in the stable of protected animals at IHOS.

Saturday, 5 June 1999

Finally, Jim came by. And we also solved the problem of where the rocks came from. It appears that Jim was coming by in the middle of the night after we had gone to sleep and deposited the rocks. In fact, his whole back seat was full of rocks for future adventures.

Jim also brought us something which is shown here. I'll let the horror of it speak for itself, but let it suffice to say that the Jim-Spawn is coming along well.

Shallon Report: we caught Shallon leaving her apartment early this morning with a member of the sausage factory in tow. She looked a bit disheveled, but denied any boning activity had occurred.
Greg Report: Greg has moved in next door for the next month until his official Greg Pad is finished. He is now about 17 feet tall and tips the scales at 6700 pounds. He wandered over rather late, munching on a whole sheep that he had stuffed in his shirt pocket. Luckily, it was fully cooked.

Friday, 9 July 1999

I suppose an apology is in order. Yes, I know that I haven't put much up on the IHOS page this summer. That's not to say that we haven't been open...hardly. Nary a night goes by that we don't spend some time sitting outside. It's only that two things have happened this summer. One, Val and I are very busy making money left and right doing web design, web hosting, and software development, so much so that we are almost at the point where we can look down our noses at you mere commoners. But we would not do that.

Second, it has been dead boring. Most of the folks who live around here are either taking a full load in summer session or they are working. The six or so apartments inhabited by living scumbags who used to provide us with hours and hours of entertainment have all been thrown out. And the handful of people who used to drop in on us regularly have either graduated and moved, graduated and got married, or drank themselves into a coma. Even The fourth of July, complete with excessive heat, fireworks, and falling on a Welfare Weekend was boring; the police radio was extremely quiet all weekend long.

Again, that doesn't mean that you can not drop in. And it certainly does not mean that IHOS has ended. I just think that it will take a few more weeks for the work to wind down, the bimbos to return, and the yahoos to start beating the crap out of each other again.

October 1999

Well, the year is closed and I have been completely slack. Beyond being so busy, we were hit by four hurricanes from late July through mid-September. The IHOS umbrella was destroyed and the table didn't far very well either. But there are things afoot for next year.

Until then, have a great winter. I will update the site in January and keep things current as soon as IHOS opens next year.

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